I have contemplated a lot and yet decided to share some feelings with all the unknown and yet known people here.I hope I would not be judged. The day also helps me understand Sai's feelings. I am a not a very extrovert person. I might not have said this to a lot of people and I dont know why I put it here out in open for people to read me, for people to judge me.
While watching the show and Sai's interaction with Aai, I realized how misunderstood Sai is , even to herself. She does not want to get angry and yet cant help it and
she thinks she is bahut buri in doing that. The girl who never had a mother and lost her father at 18, is questioning herself about being buri. She does not understand herself, she craves love, she craves acceptance, she craves life in its fullest form.
In general, when one looks at it, probably it might not be a big deal to have no one who you share your blood with but its such a big deal that it might get difficult at times to breathe.
Sai lost her father at much younger age than I lost mine. And yet I could connect to her wanting to end her life the moment she realized the intensity of it all.
A moment of weakness that I get ashamed of sometimes, but that is my truth. I have a lot of people in my family unlike Sai, but loosing a father just like that, when you talked to him just the other day , you could reach him out just a day before, loosing him just like that is the scar that remains forever. I still get panicky when I want to talk to him, want him near me , want him to guide me, want him to protect me and that makes me go restless in the need to talk to him. I get restless thinking I can never hear him call me Beta, there would be no reciprocation to my Papa. The cocoon of warmth, safety, protection that a father provides is something that no one can provide. There was so much to learn, so much to take, so much to give to him and he went away just like that, leaving me with so many questions. I could connect to Sai not having any aim when the person she dreamed the dream is no more around. I still feel the same. I still feel clueless about my life at times. I have my existential crisis, I have no zeal to achieve what he wanted me to achieve. In the world where daughters are always beneath the son, I was always his priority. I know I would never be loved by anyway the way he loved me and that hurts, hurts really bad. There is a feeling of anxiety at times, a feeling of insufficiently confident , I never got to know whether he was proud of me or not, I would never get to know as well.
Anyway since this is about Sai. She had no one , no mother figure to realize a love that mother has for her child. She grew up with her Aaba being her life, her world, her friend, her brother, her sister , her mother. Her life surrounded him , her dream surrounded him, to see him going just like that would be so scarring to her soul. Aaba understood her, reciprocated her feelings , drew away her insecurities. She got her cocoon there. And she is thrown in a life where is out, open hurt and vulnerable in the world to protect herself and to not appear weak or they would crush you. Mind you I feel her there, even the closest of close relatives and friends are there with their swords of words actions, taunts when the time of sensitivity which probably stays for a week or so , to hurt you, to freshen the already existing wounds. They see tears as your weakness and you grab any other garb to protect yourself from appearing with your real side. The baby side of you, which probably only you parents can understand and not use it against you. Sai has garbed herself with happiness, anger and cheerfulness. She gets love from Aai , Tai UM but she doubts if they really do love her. With Virat its a different thing she is confused and she sometimes does not understand him. She is happy around him, she sees her father in him but she never gets the love, the appreciation the saath, the apnaapan she wants or expects from him. SHe has also closed herself from him. She is so young to go through all this, so young to feel the emptiness that she feels that probably no one understands
I actually felt really good that Aai understood her, Aai was the voice of the audience telling her how precious she is. She might not have her father but she has her. I also love how Aai lets her go with her tantrum throwing fits and also makes her agree to things that she would not want to do. She does treat her like her daughter.
She understands her anger, she understands her insecurity, she understands that baby part of her, which only her Aaba could understand. For the world, for may be even Virat, she is the ziddi, badtameez, muhfat ,akdu , egoist Sai...for Aai she is the baby Sai nurtured by her Aaba..
It was heart warming to see that someone understand her, there is someone she could cry to. I have many people even though they could never take my father place, I have people on whose shoulders I could cry, without having the fear of being judged. Sai had none, but I guess Aai would be there for her.. till the writers want her to be.
Sai you are misunderstood, by everyone around you at times by yourself as well, but I understand you, I feel you.
PS: This is not for sympathy. I would request all my forum friends to not make it about sympathy or into an attention seeking post . It's has taken me a lot of effort and contemplation from my end for so many days to talk about this. Utmost request to treat it the way it deserves. It's my heart.❤️
It's about feelings one keeps for a long time. It's my way to relating to Sai and anyone who do not have parents or any one of them. Its okay to feel this way. It's okay to feel all is lost .It's okay to fall and try getting up again. And once in a while just lie there where you fell, thinking what went wrong.
O Humnava Tum Dena Saath Mera
Kumkum Bhagya
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