A mosquito sat on her face sucking her blood and she woke up. But her body refused to move and so did her heart when she found herself tightly hugged by Virat in his sleep. And she found herself clasping his hand. The memory of chudail became fresh in her mind and her hand trembled.
Virat's other hand subconsciously patted her back and a smile spread across her face. She didnt want to move but she had to pour out her feelings somewhere, the feelings she was unable to tell him. So she got up, removing his hand carefully without breaking his sleep. And removed her hand reluctantly.
She sat down on her table and unintentionally looked at the bargad ka ped outside the window. She trembled at the sight but then she saw him sleeping in the bed. And her smile became bigger than her fear. She pulled out her diary and took her favorite pen in her hand to contemplate where to start.
Dear diary
Kitna kuch kehna hai tumse. Kitni sari batein karni hain. Us aadmi ke bare mein (Sai looked at the sleeping Virat whose hand was still in the same position and she looked back into her diary) Jiske hathon ki garmahat ne abhi tak mere hathon ko chhoda nahi hai. Jiski bahon mein pehli baar khud ko paya aur sharm se zyada sukoon mehsoos hua. Chhodne ka mann nahi tha lekin chhodne me hichkichahat bhi nahi hui. (She looked at the window and back) darr lag raha hai lekin bharosa bhi hai ki main akeli nahi hu. Wo mere saath hain. Kahin nahi jayenge. Aaba ne meri zimmedari unhein di thi. Lekin main kisi ki zimmedari nahi banna chahti thi. Kisi ki khwahish Banna chahti thi.
Aaj wo din yaad aa raha hai jab Virat Garchchiroli chhodkar ja rahe the. Bahut akeli thi main. Cheekh cheekh kar rok lena chahti thi unhein. Anjane mein aawaaz de baithi. Aur wo ruk gaye. Par main unke samne kamzor nahi padna chahti thi. Nahi chahti thi ki unhein lage ki main apna khayal nahi rakh sakti. Nahi chahti thi ki unhein mehsoos ho ki mujhe unki zarurat hai. Isliye khud ko mazboot bana liya. Ek patthar ki deewar khadi kar li jiske pare unhein mere aansu, mera darr, mera akelapan, kuchh bhi nazar na aaye. Keh diya ki kuch nahi. Aur wo maan gaye. Chale gaye.
Har baar jab zindagi ne thapede diye, maine chattan bankar unka saamna kiya. Gussa aata to kehti mujhe koi fark nahi padta. Darr lagta to kehti main apna khayal khud rakh sakti hu. Aap jab bhi kareeb aate, aapko khud se door kar deti. Is darr se ki kahin aapke itne kareeb na aa jaun ki kamzor pad jaun. Khud ko khula chhod diya to toot jaungi. Mera aatmsamman, meri takat, mujhe tootne se bachaati rahi hai. Is darr se bachaati aayi hai ki maine apna hath badhaya aur aapne thamne se inkar kar diya to main kya karungi?
Us din ki tarah, jab maine kaha ki mujhe aapki zaroorat nahi hai aur aap chale gaye. Lekin aaj apne na mujhe khud se door kiya, na khud se door Jane diya. Aaj aise laga jaise aapne meri us mazboot deewar ke pare mere ansoo dekh liye ho. Meri taqleef dekh li ho, meri Marzi dekh li ho, meri zaroorat dekh li ho. Aaj aise laga jaise us deewar ke pare aapne mujhe dekh liya.
Aur ab main chahun bhi to khud ko chupa nahi pa rahi hu. Aapki aankhein har jagah mere saath hoti hain. Yun lagta hai jaise meri zid ke pare, meri baaton, mere Jhagdon ke pare, aap mujhe dekh rahe hain. Mere deewar mein jharokhe bana liye hain aapne.
Aaj mujhe aapse apna darr chhupane ki zaroorat mehsoos nahi hui.
Apni taqleef chhupane ki zaroorat mehsoos nahi hui.
Khud ko chhupane ki zaroorat mehsoos nahi hui.
Aapke saamne mazboot banne ki zaroorat mehsoos nahi hui.
Aaj aapka haath thaamkar sukoon aaya.
Mere mann mein shaq aur avishvas ke alawa kabhi kuch aur nahi tha Virat. Khud ke siwaye kisi par yakeen nahi tha. Lekin aaj jab apne apna haath mujh par rakh kar kaha ki "main hu" mera sara darr chhoomantar ho gaya. Aaba ke jane ke baad aisa kabhi nahi hua. Lekin aaj pehli baar khud se zyada kisi aur par bharosa hua. Pehli baar laga ki mujhe chinta karne ki zaroorat nahi hai. Pehli baar laga ki mere kandhon par koi bojh nahi hai. Pehli baar khud ko itna halka paya. Pehli baar laga ki koi hai jo dekh lega, koi chudail aaye ya koi aur. Main befikr hokar so sakti hu. (Sai yawned and chuckled at herself)
Bas yahi kehna tha. Ab main jati hu, apni garmahat ke paas, apne "main hu" ke paas, apne Virat ke paas.
Love
Sai
Sai put the diary back and came back to her bed. As soon as she put her hand there, Virat grabbed it tightly and hugged her again. A smile appeared on her face as she closed her eyes and slept peacefully.
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Seher Hone Ko Hai
