Life often takes a drastic turn when you least expect it. Dreams and plans get shattered and with time, they take a different shape. It's all about navigating your way out of this thicket until life comes to a halt.
I never met my parents and often wondered what it would have felt to hold their hand and walk with them. Or how it would have felt to have them on my first day of school. I recall aching for my mothers presence in the most crucial phase of my transition from a girl to a lady. There was no one to turn to for advice on sensitive matters. The worst of my days were during the parents teacher meeting and as much as my teachers sympathized with me, I could not help but feel like the most lonely orphan. I wonder why God wrote down such a sad beginning for me, but I was sure He will not give me a bad ending. Hope keeps a heart alive, that's what I learned while growing up. Being positive is not an option but a necessity.
My brother, only a mere eight years older was a great support. He had my back like a father would and had the warmth of a mother. My heart aches, for he renounced his childhood to take care of me. He was already and old man trapped in a little boys body and the thought of how cruel this was always haunts me. Yet, he got me through school and college by working shifts. I could never repay him for his sacrifices. I often wonder if he feels any regret for being forced into this cruel submission of fate. I never found the courage to bring this up with him, for I fear what I may hear. I was relieved when he found a life partner who understood his needs, his past and accepted him wholeheartedly. My sister in law has always been like a sister to me, yet I feel a strange distance that never let me open up to her.
I still remember the day I first married. My dreams of having a family and a husband to love was finally a reality until he was taken away from me the same day. Fate could never have been more cruel. I did expect to be shunned immediately, for a woman's whose husband dies on the wedding day is regarded as a bearer of misfortune. But it seems God finally shone his light upon me and I found a family in my in laws. A mother, a father, uncle, an aunt, a brother and sisters. The sight of a complete family left me in awe and I let my past be, turning over a new leaf with a new found passion in business. Two years is a short time to gather all the happiness for a lifetime. Who knew that God will be sending a disaster in the name of Raghav at my doorstep. He came, wrecked havoc and shattered the happiness I built for myself but not without binding himself to me in what began as a sham of a marriage.
Raghav. I always thought I understood everyone and their intention towards me almost immediately. After all, leading an orphans life does teach you the way of life. Raghav is one person I have never come to fully decipher. He is rude, arrogant, selfish and angry. He is caring, sensitive, dare I say, loving, and empathetic. One month of being married to him and I still couldn’t understand him in his entirety. He won the challenge and reunited me with my family.
Going by the agreement, he was not to sign the divorce papers. Just when I found myself slightly settled at his place, he creates a storm by asking me to chose if I wish to stay with him or leave. Not that I wanted to live here forever, but his actions confuse me. He readily prepared and signed the divorce papers and I do not understand what he wants from me. Why has he given me this difficult task of making a choice? Of all people, he should know that I am not used to making decisions, I've never had a choice.
This man is infuriating. Nothing about him makes any sense and I'm left at a crossroad of confused relationships.
It was not a long time back when he asked me what makes me happy. His questions have always left me perplexed, for I have no concrete answer and end up fumbling or embarrassed by the lack of zeal I have towards myself. Then again, no one has ever asked me what I wanted. They gave and I accepted. They withheld and I accepted. Why does he then ask such difficult questions?
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It's been three months since I signed the papers, and yet, I see no sign of her doing the same. Why would she not sign the papers? She has never expressed her explicit wish to stay back. Our moments together were beautiful but not enough to sustain a marriage. The thirty day challenge came to an end and I succeeded.
To see her happy was elating. Which is why I decided to sign the papers. She will not have to keep up with any of this if she does not wish to stay with me. After all, love is all about setting your lover free and not caging them up in your love. I do love her. Was it ever otherwise? I hope there is never a day in my life when I don’t love her and if so, may that be the last day of my life.
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He won't call. He doesn't show up at my home. His thoughts don't seem to come to a closure even after three months of being separated. I see him in the mirror standing behind me, filling my parting with the red color I've come to love and accept. I see him when I'm eating...smiling away. He comes in my dreams and teases his way out of my sight .I see him at my saree shop, aching to hear my name one more time. When baba and aayi are talking to me, I don't understand anything, for I just hear his name. Is this love or am I going mad?
My phone rings. Why does it ring at the wrong time!
"Bhabhi, Anna has been missing for 3 days, we don't know where he has gone. Private detectives are trying their best. We just don't know what to do. Amma is distressed. I know I should not bother you, but please come home, we need you"
Farhad breaks the most heart wrenching news to me. I find myself running without a care in this world. I must get to his home...our home. The tears won't stop. My heart is aching. Where could he have gone? Why is he like this! Is he okay? Is he alive? I push aside dreadful thoughts. God cannot be so cruel again. Not this time God! I hear myself fighting back.
Amma is in no position to speak. Keerti keeps crying...I don't know how to console them. I cannot even console myself. Where is this storm of a man?!
Two days pass and there’s no news of him. My heart is sinking. The police gives me daily updates which mean nothing to me if he’s not here. Negative thoughts makes it’s way into my mind but I’ll not let them dampen my faith. God will not be cruel this time. He will return.
Three more days ....will he be found? I know he’s not dead. My heart is sure. I continue to dress up only for him. The red color will not fade. My love will not fade. I always hear that love has the power to overturn mountains, this is just a small hill.
“Raghav!” Amma screams.
I rush out and see him standing at the doorstep. He’s here and he’s fine! Running towards him, I halt just as his eyes meet mine. I missed his gaze. He’s curious but he’s happy to see me. I may not understand him but I never fail to read his eyes, he’s an open book.
I’ve silenced the parade of questions thrown at him for there is nothing I wish to do than to look at him. Almost with a sudden realization, they all leave the room, leaving us behind.
I don’t know when my feet led me to him for a hard hitting hug, it’s all a daze. He immediately hugged me back and that’s not a daze.
“You asked me what makes me happy” I ask him, slightly looking up at his face.
“Yes I did. Did you find your answer?”
“It is this moment in your hold that makes me happy, and there is no other dream I hold so true to my heart than that of loving you. If life were to come to an end today, I’d hold no regrets, for I’ve met you”.
He looks at me intently and I find him tearing up as he pulls me close to his heart one more time.
“Where did you go?!” I slap his arm.
“Did you not hear? I went to climb a mountain”
“Why would you do that without informing anyone?”
“I missed you”
“Answer my question”
“I just did”
Will I ever understand him?! He is so infuriating.
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Hello peeps.
A short, not so short piece from Pallavis perspective. I love Raghavs character more but thought of penning down a piece from pallus perspective. After all, she is quite complicated when it comes to what she wants. Plus we don’t get to peep inside her brain and her thoughts. So I did it for myself 😎
I’m not good at writing highly romantic stuff so if you found it to be stoic, pls bear with me
Pls ignore spelling mistakes, typing from my phone 😆
Goodnight!
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