Background:Based on the current track.
Dilemma
“Shaurya,” Shaan called him out, with a soft knock on the door.
No response.
Knowing the temperament and the ability of Shaurya to shut himself up when he was hurt, Shaan was determined to not leave him alone. His knocks turned into a steady thumping, and the rhythmic ruckus, a reflection of the occupant’s own state of mind, managed to bring Shaurya out of his deliberate reverie.
“Why are you hammering my door Dad, leave me alone!” he snarled, hoping that the tone of his voice would prompt his father to leave him alone, as he always had.
“Shaurya, open the door. You are not a kid who’d lock himself up when things don’t go your way,” Shaan scolded him.
Am I too late, Shaan wondered, but then, quickly dispelled the thoughts. He knew that his son was better than him in all aspects, but he also knew of Shaurya’s gratitude towards his brother and sister-in-law. And, as much as he has failed Shaurya, he would not let him live his life under any sort of obligation, as a slave to someone. It was his inattention that had dragged Shaurya in this quicksand of indebtedness, and he would do everything in his capacity to prevent it from swallowing him.
“Shaurya, open the door or I’ll break it, and you very well know I can. If you are stubborn, I’m your father,” he warned.
There was an indistinct ruffle, and then a still, and then, the door opened to a very disheveled Shaurya. His room as well as his appearance was in a state of chaos, and if anything, it represented his inner turmoil. If the bloodshot eyes of his son scared Shaan, he did not give it away through his expressions.
Unbothered by the presence of his father, Shaurya resumed his earlier position on the floor, staring at the engagement ring on the nightstand..
“It won’t melt, Shaurya,” Shaan said, as he sat next to his son on the floor.
“What,” Shaurya asked, confused.
“The ring. No matter how fiercely you stare at it, it won’t melt,” Shaan quipped.
Shaurya scoffed at Shaan’s lame attempt to ease the discomfort.
“And so won’t your dilemma,” Shaan began.
“Come to the point dad, I’m sure you are not here to discuss the melting point of gold!” Shaurya urged him.
“What have you decided?”
“Regarding what?”
“Regarding the upcoming engagement, Shaurya. Are you sure you want to go ahead with it?”
“Do I have a choice, Dad? I’ve spent a major part of my life living with the decisions of others. I’m sure I`ll be just fine” he said with a sarcastic laugh, looking at his father straight in his eyes, the accusation clear in his acidic tone.
“You didn't have a choice then, but you have one today. You have a choice, Shaurya!”
“Easy for you to be preachy when you are not the one who’ll be making the decision, Dad”
“I’ve been there son. And I made the wrong choice. And then, one wrong led to another and that’s how we ended up in this loop. If only…” Shaan sighed, unable to continue.
If only I made the right choice then.
“How do I make up my mind when both seem to be the right choice. At the end of the day, despite the sacrifices, either Anokhi or Badi Ma will be hurt, so, what difference does it really make?”
“And what about YOU? Where are YOU in all of this, Shaurya? What about YOUR happiness? Who and what would make YOU happy?” Shaan asked, even if both of them already knew the answer to that.
Shaan touched Shaurya’s clasped palms, hoping to give him the courage that he himself never had.
Hoping that he was not too late after all.
His touch must have soothed Shaurya a bit, for he closed his eyes and let the unshed tears flow, no longer chary of showing his vulnerable side. It made Shaan’s own heart clench, however, years of distance made him reluctant to console Shaurya the way he wanted to.
“Shouldn’t I make peace with the unacceptable, Dad. Isn't it easier that way?” he asked, eyes still close.
“Will YOU be at peace?” Shaan countered, making Shaurya look at him.
His long weary sigh was the answer he did not even bother to vocalize at this point.
“You can evade the conflict to maintain peace, Shaurya. You can choose to follow your promise so that the dynamics in the house remain the same. But, in so doing, you'll start a war within yourself. And life is too short, Shaurya, too unpredictable to fight yourself,” he stated.
“Won’t that make me selfish, I mean…”
“No matter which road you take, you are bound to come across as selfish to either one of them.You'd just have to decide whether you’d be able to live with a broken promise, or with memories that will break you.”
“How very deep dad,” he teased, his mock laugh earning him a playful bop on the shoulder. Playing along, Shaurya feigned a hurt expression, making Shaan chuckle in response.
“Life is a constant oscillation between the good times and the bad, you just need to be with someone who you’ll thrive for, no matter the circumstances, someone who’ll reciprocate your effort with similar conviction,” Shaan said, to which Shaurya nodded intently, tongue in cheek.
This philosophical Shaan was certainly a bit difficult for Shaurya to digest.
“Shaurya!!!” he groused, annoyed at being made fun of, “I'll smack you for real if you don’t stop with those cheeky expressions.”
“Do it, then Dad,” he said seriously, before adding, “You’ve never really hit me or pulled my ears.”
And then, all of a sudden things turned awkward. Sensing that he has somewhat cornered his father, Shaurya attempted to break the ice, “And what would you choose dad, if you were in my place?”
“I’m not the best person to give you advice on that, Shaurya. I just know that broken promises; you can work around them. But, memories, they'll eat you up. Years later, the thought of "what ifs" would haunt you. Your heart knows the answer to this dilemma, it’s just your mind that you’d have to convince.”
He nodded.
“What I want you to remember is your future will depend on the choice you make today. Your choice, whatever it is, should reflect your desire for a better, happier future. Let not the past weigh you down. The choice you make should not be a burden that you’ll shoulder while suffocating yourself. And…” Shaan lingered on, wondering whether he should continue.
“And what, Dad?”
“The choice you make today, it will have its consequences. Whatever it is that you’d choose, you’d have to prepare yourself to accept the responsibility of that choice - whether you like it or not.”
“Are you trying to scare me right now, dad? Because, I already am very scared that I’d have to pretend to be the perfect husband to a woman who does not give a damn about the fact that I feel nothing for her.”
“Should I scare you a little bit more?” Shaan asked.
He wiggled his eyebrows, signaling him to go ahead.
“When I say you’d have to accept the responsibility, I meant that with regards to Anokhi. You’d have to let her go,” he stopped, letting Shaurya absorb that piece of information. “You’d have to pretend to be indifferent to her. I don’t know if she’ll remain in Chandigarh after her studies, but, you’ll have to live with the idea that she is happy somewhere else, with someone else.”
The words hit Shaurya like a bolt. He sat there, at a loss of words, processing what his father just told him, the enormity of it and how void it made him feel.
Sure now that Shaurya would deliberate upon his words, Shaan stood up and picked the untouched glass of whiskey, lying on the nightstand. He looked at Shaurya and his child looked so broken that, on instinct, Shaan kneeled in front of him and ruffled his unkempt hairs, silently assuring him that he’d find his father by his side throughout this ordeal.
Always.
“Shaurya, love is a silent promise as well. It’s a promise to yourself that you’d keep the person in front of you happy, come what may. It’s the most beautiful one; maybe because it is not bound by obligations, there’s no expectation, what there is, is the unselfish desire to see that person happy, because in their happiness lies yours.”
“Thanks Dad,” Shaurya mumbled.
“And I'm taking this with me,” he said, pointing to the glass, “This is not you.”
Shaan stood up, and took a few steps towards the door but kept wondering how he could ease things up for Shaurya.
“What do you think love is, Shaurya?” he asked, abruptly stopping and turning to look back at Shaurya.
“The happiness of the person who you claim to love,” he murmured, his voice giving away his exhaustion.
“And who do you think loves you the most in this house, Shaurya?” he solicited the answer to the question that he had always feared.
“Badi ma,” he replied without much thought, but, a look at his father, he added a meek “maybe” to his answer.
“And who is your happiness?”
“Anokhi.”
“There you go,” Shaan said with a wink.
“What?” asked a confused Shaurya.
“You need to solve this soon, because you sure are dumbing down a lot,” Shaan answered.
Seeing that he was still confused, Shaan added “You say that Badi maa loves you, right, so, if she really loves you as much as you claim she does, then she’d want you to be happy. Your happiness should be her priority. So then, don’t you think this dilemma should not be yours.”
“And Shaurya, I’d smack you really hard if you make the wrong decision after this whole discussion where I all, but, spelled what you should do”
Shaan left the room, eager to know what choice Devi would make, should Shaurya decide to throw the ball in her court - would she agree, or would she still hold onto the debt of gratitude. Should she choose the second, she would herself create a crack in her and Shaurya’s relationship, and then, it would not take much for Shaurya to be disillusioned by the web of emotions. Whatever choice she made, Shaan was sure that he would not allow Shaurya to make any choice that would not make him happy.
History would not repeat itself.
-------
Note: This started as a drabble, but there is so much tension between this father-son duo that I couldn't stop myself from lengthening it. As it will be obvious, I love Shaan- Shaurya a lot and I do believe that Shaan could be the key to resolving the upcoming dilemma, given that he has been there. While Shaurya is definitely stronger than Shaan was, I do believe it will be difficult for him to make the ultimate choice; he'd need someone to guide him.
Anyway, enough of me. I hope you enjoyed it. 😳
Shower your love or criticisms😳
Have a blessed day ahead.
P.s: Will Proofread later.
Cheers,
Keshni
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