
Chapter 5: More Than That
The chill of the night hits me right as I get out of my car. Despite the fact that I am wearing a sweater and jeans instead of my usual âwork clothesâ (a plain collared shirt and polyester pants), my change of outfit ceases to spare me from the merciless January wind.
Our boss, Ranveer, has organized a party for all the employees of Penn Papers on the third floor of our office building. It has sort of become a winter tradition. Apparently the main attraction of tonight is to be the game of pool, gambled amongst anyone who wishes to play and all the proceeds from every game will be donated to a charity. The boss pitched his idea during a meeting a few weeks ago, looking very proud of himself. âStellar idea, really,â He had said with a grin. We all clapped and agreed. Last year it was casino night, this year itâs pool.
I usually never come to parties of any kind but I couldnât resist coming to this one. I let out a quick breath and open the glass doors to the sizable room, dimly lit and crowded with formally dressed employees socializing with one another. I immediately catch sight of her within three seconds of panning my eyes around the room â she has her hair completely down instead of it in a ponytail or fastened with a clip like it is during office hours. Sheâs wearing a pale pink dress, the shade identical to the color of her smiling lips. I suddenly donât remember what I had prepared to say to her as my mind goes completely blank, and then I feel an abrupt weight on my chest when I see her fiancĂ© hug her waist.
âArnav! Fancy seeing you here!â
âRanveer, hi,â I manage, shaking his hand with a practiced smile.
âCome on, get a drink and play a game, my friend!â Ranveer ushers me to the bar, laughing exuberantly at seemingly nothing.
I gulp down a glass or two, squinting my eyes at the taste. Gathering courage I didnât know I needed, I walk up to her.
âArnav, hi!â She looks as if she is about to hug me, but stops. âI donât think you two have met. Roy, Arnav. Arnav, Roy.â She introduces, gesturing with her hand.
âHey man, whatâs up.â Roy speaks in a gruff voice, shaking my hand.
I struggle to match the firmness of his handshake. âHey, nice to meet you,â I hesitate. âCongratulations on the engagement, by the way.â
I look at her. She looks⊠happy.
I snap myself out of it and try to remember why I downed those two glasses earlier. âMs. Gupta,â I smile, âWould you care to be challenged by me to a serious game of pool?â
Khushi smiles, wider than she already was. âWhy of course.â
We walk over to the pool table and for the next 15 minutes, Khushi and I engage in a not so serious game. She is surprisingly good, and I find myself learning new techniques from her, that is when I am able to concentrate on her words without getting lost in her smile.
âYouâre going to have to do better than this, Raizada,â She smirks, walking over to the other side as she sharpens her cue stick.
âIâm giving you an easy win here, Gupta. Jeez, take a hint,â I retort, rolling my eyes in jest. She laughs, and I memorize this moment in my brain to recall on my drive back home.
âMaybe I like some tough competition. Wouldnât kill you to try,â
âWell, Iâm afraid Iâm a very gracious loser,â I shrug, faking an innocent pout. Khushi looks down and shakes her head, the tendrils of hair swaying by the sides of her full cheeks. âBesides, I could lose to you any day,â The words spill out before I can think twice. Her smile fades slightly, clearly trying to decipher the meaning behind why I said what I did.
âKhush, Iâm leaving,â
She looks to see Roy waving from a few feet away, looking extremely bored. She rushes to him and I look away, somehow deeming it wrong to see her with her fiancé. Not improper, just⊠amiss.
I walk over to the bar, secretly hoping Khushi doesnât have to leave since Roy is. Just as I grab a drink and sit down, a familiar voice interrupts my thoughts.
âHey, when did you arrive?â Sumit asks, sitting down beside me.
âOh, just a while ago. Good to see you man,â
âSame here. By the way, Iâve been meaning to ask you. When are you going to tell Khushi about your transfer?â
I pause mid drink to look at him. I know what he is referring to, of course. When I found out about Khushiâs engagement Iâd gone in for an interview at the corporate office for a position in a different branch.
Foolishly, at first I tried to persuade myself to believe that it will be fine, that Iâll be able to walk in everyday and see her face and not feel anything, that the fact that sheâs an engaged woman wonât affect me, that the fact that the woman Iâm in love with will eventually be married to another man wonât affect me.
The woman Iâm in love with.
And then I told myself how incredibly impossible it is for me to be able to exist in the same room as her if I know that she can never be mine. Feelings canât just disappear. So, the only solution was for me to disappear. Or at least in this case, transfer to another branch.
The only person I had told about the interview and the possible transfer is Sumit. What Iâm confused about though, is why he specifically asked if I had told Khushi.
âKhushi? What do you mean?â
âOh come on, Arnav, itâs clear as day that you have strong feelings for her. On top of that, you two are great friends. She told me once that youâre her best friend,â
I raise my eyebrows and look down to my glass, my heart warm. âShe told you that?â
âYes. How do you think sheâll feel if she comes to know about your transfer from someone else?â
âYouâre right,â I nod, âShe should hear it from me,â
âAnd brotherâŠâ He puts his hand on my shoulder, âItâs never too late,â
I manage a dry smile. âSheâs engaged, Sumit,â
âSo what? Engaged ainât married.â
I take a second to assess what he says, nodding sincerely. He pats my shoulder and walks away with his drink.
I look down at my glass again, filled to the brim. I swish the amber liquid around, before putting in down. Iâm not trying to get buzzed tonight.
The chill of the night welcomes me once again as I open the glass doors and walk out of the building, the noise of the party dwindling behind me. I couldnât find her anywhere inside â she had to be out here, unless she left with Roy.
âAre you leaving already?â
I turn around to find her leaning against a pillar, a pale blue sweater that she usually wears to work now over her dress. She looks adorable this way, with an oversized sweater over her fancy pink dress.
âNo, I was justâŠâ I attempt to laugh to try to mask my awkwardness and hesitation, failing miserably.
I look at her and then at the parking lot, unable to find Roy.
âRoy-â
âHe left. Said he was getting bored,â She fiddles with a piece of lint on the arm of her sweater, sighing, âHe was my ride tonight, now Iâll have to call an Uber,â
I walk closer, leaning on the opposite end of the pillar. âNo need for that, Iâll drop you home,â
âI wouldnât want to bother you Arnav-â
âAre you kidding? Iâm not letting you take an Uber home this late at night,â
I can feel her gaze on me as she thanks me, but I canât look back, because Iâll forget why I came looking for her in the first place. I find myself thinking about how Roy just left her at a party and went home, taking the car with him. No one should do that, let alone a fiancĂ©. Especially because Khushi deserves so much better. I want to tell her that, but I canât.
âSometimes I just donât get Roy,â I hear her say, her voice small. It sounded like she had just voiced her inner thoughts, and she hadnât meant to say it out loud.
The seemingly trivial declaration catches me off guard, and I canât help but ask.
âAre you happy?â The question comes out more desperate than I had intended. She meets my gaze, unswerving as I see the conflicting emotions in her eyes.
âOf course Iâm happy, Iâm engaged why would I not be happy?â The answer is a hurried string of words and she fumbles to get them out, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear.
Why does it sound like youâre trying to convince yourself that youâre happy? Is what I think, but refrain from saying.
Itâs silent for the next few minutes as we stand side my side, the pillar being the only separation. I sense that sheâs uncomfortable after the previous exchange, so I decide to tell her what I had initially planned to.
âIâm transferring to another branch,â The air feels colder now, almost icy as it dries my throat. The skin on her nose is now a faint shade of burgundy.
âWhat? Why?â She stands in front of me now, facing me completely as she crosses her arms in front of her chest.
I let out a small laugh and look to the sky and then back at her.
âThereâs nothing here for me to stay,â Iâm not exaggerating when I say this. With family and most of my friends in another state, thereâs no one here for me except for her, since seeing her is pretty much the only motivation to go to work. If she does get married, well⊠then Iâd lose her too.
âWhat about me? Iâd miss you terribly, Raizada,â She softly punches my arm, no sign of a smile on her dejected face.
I push my hand further into my pocket and brush back my hair, noticing her silver heels for the first time. âNo need for fake consolations here, Gupta,â
âNo, Arnav, I really mean it. I honestly donât know how I would go through a day at work without you there. I would seriously blow my brains out,â
I laugh and nod my head at the hyperbole, telling myself sheâs probably only saying this because Iâm her friend. She did tell Sumit that Iâm her best friend, didnât she?
âPlease donât go,â She reaches out and touches my wrist, her touch the warmth of a fireplace during a snowstorm. Thereâs so much I want to say, but somehow I canât bring myself to. This is too fragile of a moment and I fear that itâll end if I say anything in response. So instead, I hold her hand as my thumb brushes her palm, before I tell her that itâs getting late and I ought to drop her home.
The drive to her apartment feels like the shortest drive of my life. Sheâs never sat in my car before, but the sight of her sitting right next to me in the passenger seat of my car is something I could get used to. If I had the chance.
For most of the drive we donât really talk, instead she asks to play my Spotify playlist and I happily oblige, smirking as I see her goofily lip syncing to some of her favorite songs that are in my playlist. Within no time I find myself stopping at her apartment, shifting the gear to park.
âYouâve got some bangers in that playlist. Iâm proud of you Arnav, you cultured man,â She giggles, handing my phone back to me. When I donât respond, she has that look on her face again, the one that makes me want to take her into my arms.
âThereâs something else I wanted to tell you,â She nods, waiting for me. Itâs now or never.
âIâŠâ If I tell her and it doesnât work out, I have nothing to lose. Sheâs already engaged. But if I donât tell her Iâll be regretting this for the rest of my life, wondering what could have happened if she knew how I felt.
âArnav, you can tell me,â
âKhushi⊠Iâm in love with you,â
I feel a lump in the back of my throat as I see her expression change, from curiosity to shock.
âWhat? What- what do you mean?â
The car suddenly feels extremely small. I can hear her breathing, can hear her breaths becoming shallower every second.
âI know this is probably not the right time. I just wanted you to know, once,â
âArnav, I canât. Iâm engaged,â Her eyes are glassy, her voice shivering, even though itâs warm in the car. âIâm so sorry if you misinterpreted our friendship. Youâre my best friendâŠâ
The lump in my throat is aching now. I wipe a single tear that I failed to keep from falling.
âPlease, donât do that. I want to be more than that,â
I look up at her, only to see tears escape her eyes. At that moment, I donât know whether itâs my wishful thinking, but she looks at me like she wants to say something but canât. She scoots close to me and inhales sharply, but no words come out of her mouth.
âKhushi,â
I can smell her perfume, a deep, rose scent. She looks at me longingly, with an expression I cannot quite read. My gaze falls to her lips and it becomes physically painful to try to keep from touching her. Her hand then comes up to my neck, her fingers brushing my unkempt hair and before I know it, her lips are on mine. I squeeze my eyes shut in surprise, my tears mingling with hers as my arms involuntarily hug her close, fearing that sheâll disappear if I donât hold on. She gasps and looks into my eyes, but doesnât move away. I take the opportunity and kiss her again, tasting the flavor of piña colada as I gently touch her tongue. Her fingers clutch my hair and I click our seatbelts open, fighting to get closer still. She lets out an almost inaudible moan, shattering my self control. As I raise my hand from her waist to her cheek she pulls away with a jerk.
âI have to go,â She untangles my arms from her body, tears her gaze away from mine and opens the door, the sound of her closing it piercing me. I watch her walk into her apartment building without looking back, and I rest my head on the steering wheel, feeling like sheâs taken a piece of me with her.
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A/N: Dying to know your thoughts!! đł Thanks for reading and commenting everyone đ€ - Rain