*Discussion Of The Week #1* Second Marriages - Page 7

Originally posted by: CornKhazana

Here in India, I have not met any Islamic men who married multiple time while being married. So this concept of sharing husband is wierd to me.

But personally I have seen so many couples getting divorced and wife feeling sad and dejected when husband marries second time. If the feeling of hurt is after divorce, I cannot think how it would feel when you live in same house and see your husband getting married.

I would not be able to tolerate it, thinking if my husband is with other women. What if I have something important to discuss and husband cannot come leaving second wife behind.

So at the end of day, it is subjective. If you can tolerate and it doesn't make a difference to you can stay together. But if first wife is jealous, then this arrangement would not work.

I understand your pov. No woman will feel happy if her husband remarries, same goes for affairs out of wedlock. We see this in many western countries where married men have mistresses. Is it better than second marriage? No. Coz mistresses have little rights.. they are looked at as home wreckers.. while in Islam the 2nd wife is respected. Her children are legitimate. So why are western ppl pointing fingers against Islam, and not against their own culture which allows them to have mistresses?😳

Researches say that many men and women cheated on their spouses in the USA.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/five-myths-about-cheating/2012/02/08/gIQANGdaBR_story.html

So what do you think? So many unhappy couples..sad wives and husbands even there, where multible marriages aren't allowed.😳

Originally posted by: awida

No . You aren't interfering in my life at all . I am sharing my experience with all as you see.😊 my sister was a first wife who suffered after her husband got a second marriage. So I can tell you . The hurt which the 1st wife gets is uncomparable to the hurt of 2nd wife. 😭

I had to refuse many proposals before I settled to marrying a married man . I waited untill I became 37 yrs old. And it was taking a toll on my metal health. I was depressed, because I needed to have a family and kids without breaking anyone's heart. 😒 but destiny had it this way only .

We are not sharing the same house, each of us live seperately..we rarely communicate, so it is much easier for us both. She has 5 kids, I have 3. I work..and am almost indepeding on myself in everything. My hubby lives abroad. So I learned how to deal with my own matters without running to him if any problem happens.😃

Love isn't important in marriage. Many love marriages failed meserably. It is the mutual understanding, and respect which keep the marriage strong . Here in my country many religious men, and rich men get 2nd marriages, coz they want to have bigger families. Do you know that Allah rewards those who take care of biger families? Of course being justic to both the wives is difficult, but if done, so why not. In Quraan:" If ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, Marry women of your choice, Two or three or four; but if ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one, or (a captive) that your right hands possess, that will be more suitable, to prevent you from doing injustice."

Wow, you r so nice. I feel that your husband is lucky to strike balance between both his wives and have peacefuly life. The respect you have for the first wife is something I have never seen before. I guess its due to culture. Here at my place, women will kill each other for man.

Whether to leave husband or stay married should be the wife's decision. Only her decision. Cause other than society, love, emotions, kids, there is mental pressure. If wife stays, she has to bear this. If she leaves, she has to be successful, otherwise same society will taunt her.

The most difficult thing in this world is sharing. Especially sharing love and thats why God places huge importance in it.

Originally posted by: CornKhazana

Wow, you r so nice. I feel that your husband is lucky to strike balance between both his wives and have peacefuly life. The respect you have for the first wife is something I have never seen before. I guess its due to culture. Here at my place, women will kill each other for man.

He chose me on purpose , coz he knew how I am.😉 and yes , his first wife is a generous woman, she is younger than I am.😳 but she accepted me although I saw the pain in her eyes when we met few years ago. I am not better than her. I am in fact owing her.😳

Whether to leave husband or stay married should be the wife's decision. Only her decision. Cause other than society, love, emotions, kids, there is mental pressure. If wife stays, she has to bear this. If she leaves, she has to be successful, otherwise same society will taunt her.

I agree with you totally. It is her life..none will bear the results other than her, so she has to be carefull. When I got married I feared that maybe his 1st wife will ask for divorce, I won't be able to live with the guilt if that happened😒. So I made sure, he fulfils all her needs first, I told him that I don't want the same rights like her. Just want her to accept me, so make sure that she is happy.😊

The most difficult thing in this world is sharing. Especially sharing love and thats why God places huge importance in it.

I agree, sharing your beloved ones or tings is too difficult , for this rivalry is the worst enemy of humanity. We see many women fighting over men, not just wives.. saas bahus, nand bahus, or even sisters fighting over the silliest of things.

I think growing older makes you feel the importance of love even more. But not just loving your ownself or beloved ones..loving the humans in general.❤️

who said you need to pretend to be strong lol

why do you keep sayiong women are weak

Originally posted by: awida

You see it is the difference between cultures and religions.🤓 And even though we live in an Islamic country here. And it is very clear from Quraan , sunnah and fiqh that multi marriages (maxi 4) is allowed in Islam, and it was done by the most loved and respected men in Islamic history (prohet (p.b.u.h) and sahaba ) still there are many ppl here who think like you. That it is an insult to the first wife.😳 How can it be considered as an insult? This means that in Islamic history women , gr8 muslim women were insulted.😲 astaghfirulaah. This isn't true at all. 😊

But if you look at this situation from Pakistani drama point of view --or generally Pakistani life,even though I am Indian ,I feel I can relate to these dramas much more than say if I watch Arabic Saudi Arabia type drama.From this society point of view second marriage remains painful,sad and uncommon occurrence in society.

It is more prevalent in areas across the river Indus as it is different culture there--pakhtun and tribal areas or you see it in extremely rich feudal people.

I feel what dramas show,the reaction,the fights etc are reflection of the society as a whole and I do agree with general reflection shown in them--meaning one marriage is enough.

as i mentioned before, second marriage is unfair to both first and second wife

this is just my opinion but i feel its more harder and heartbreaking for the first wife as she is the one being deceived/mistreated/devalued/ignored, she loves her husband unconditionally and never even imagined she would have to share him with somebody else, the second wife though has no love/attachment for the man she marries and its easier for her to accept the fact that she has to share him because she knows this before the marriage takes place that he has another wife. I dont know if I am making sense here. A second wife knows what shes getting herself into, its her own choice if she marries him and shares him but she knows she is doing wrong to the other wife so thats being selfish on her part

That being said, another thing to keep in mind is that in our society (talking about Pak), most women do second marriages with the intention of making the husband divorce his wife for their own benefits. Its very rare that you would find a selfless and generous woman who agrees to marry without any benefit of her own.

Originally posted by: sami011

you know you are right in your own thinking and I don't want to comment on religious aspect as it is your religion and I don't follow it but I respect all religions and consider them good , but from society point of view,without bringing religion in it ,I am all for compromise in marriage and i have done it,but 2 things i draw line at are cheating and physical abuse..

I respect you for this. I too don't want to talk about religions, but as multible marraige is an Islamic topic I had no choice but to highlight this point. For ppl to understand why we don't see it as cheating on the first wife.

But if you look at this sitqqqquation from Pakistani drama point of view --or generally Pakistani life,even though I am Indian ,I feel I can relate to these dramas much more than say if I watch Arabic Saudi Arabia type drama.From this society point of view second marriage remains painful,sad and uncommon occurrence in society.

It is more prevalent in areas across the river Indus as it is different culture there--pakhtun and tribal areas or you see it in extremely rich feudal people.

I feel what dramas show,the reaction,the fights etc are reflection of the society as a whole and I do agree with general reflection shown in them--meaning one marriage is enough.

I agree. One marriage is better, and I won't feel happy if my daughter has to share her husband in future. 😒 It is very tough for everyone involved in it. 😔

I relate to Pakistani dramas, coz many Arabian dramas discussed the same topics before , the same way.. second wives are always appeared like evils, home wreckers , and selfish as Hinna mentioned.😃 So it is the same thing here.

Few women confronted me about it ..I was invited for a dinner in Kuwait , and a woman blamed me for it. All I had to say is that it is my muqaddar. 😳My hubby's aunt is also angry at me, coz she loves his first wife. Some ppl from my Uni told me that I shouldn't do it. I know many ppl judge me. But I don't get hurt. Coz I know our society won't be able to accept it.🤓

Originally posted by: awida

I agree. One marriage is better, and I won't feel happy if my daughter has to share her husband in future. 😒 It is very tough for everyone involved in it. 😔

I relate to Pakistani dramas, coz many Arabian dramas discussed the same topics before , the same way.. second wives are always appeared like evils, home wreckers , and selfish as Hinna mentioned.😃 So it is the same thing here.

Few women confronted me about it ..I was invited for a dinner in Kuwait , and a woman blamed me for it. All I had to say is that it is my muqaddar. 😳My hubby's aunt is also angry at me, coz she loves his first wife. Some ppl from my Uni told me that I shouldn't do it. I know many ppl judge me. But I don't get hurt. Coz I know our society won't be able to accept it.🤓

Originally posted by: sami011

I understand...and it is very difficult topic.in life we make choices to best of our ability and in your case you are still raising your kids alone...I salute your bravery...

Thank you Sami. You are very kind to me. Yes. I am a single mother , and I intended to be one from the day my nikaah happened. I even had it written in my niakahnama , that I will continue working and living in Yemen.😊 I didn't want to share a man with his wife. I only wanted his name, and maybe a child to fill my lonely life. And I am not shy of it. Ppl may think I am selfish , maybe I am one. But what is the use of being mahaan, when you know that you aren't strong enough to continue living as a pachelorett.🤔

Originally posted by: heavenlybliss

as i mentioned before, second marriage is unfair to both first and second wife

this is just my opinion but i feel its more harder and heartbreaking for the first wife as she is the one being deceived/mistreated/devalued/ignored, she loves her husband unconditionally and never even imagined she would have to share him with somebody else, the second wife though has no love/attachment for the man she marries and its easier for her to accept the fact that she has to share him because she knows this before the marriage takes place that he has another wife. I dont know if I am making sense here. A second wife knows what shes getting herself into, its her own choice if she marries him and shares him but she knows she is doing wrong to the other wife so thats being selfish on her part

That being said, another thing to keep in mind is that in our society (talking about Pak), most women do second marriages with the intention of making the husband divorce his wife for their own benefits. Its very rare that you would find a selfless and generous woman who agrees to marry without any benefit of her own.

Second marriage may appear as an insult to the 1st wife or unfair ..but it has its positives too.

You see first wife as a loving and caring person..the husband and second wife as culprits.. but in reality you can see that many second marriages happen for reasons, the most importent one is that the husband and wife have many differenties. So the picture is bigger than you saw in some cases. I don't blame the first wives , no I see differnce as a normal thing which happens in life.

In other cultures you see one of them forbids divorce. So even if the couple don't get well togather they are tied to eachother for the rest of their lives. In such cultures spouses may involve in affairs with other ppl , coz they need to feel loved. 😔

In another culture divorce is a norm. The numbers of divorce cases is increasing and broken families lead to many problems for the kids. The society suffers from this.

If men aren't allowed to have second marriage, so either they divorce the first wife, or involve in an extramarital relationships. I see second marriage as a better soution than both , coz it keeps the children under the custody of both their parents. If the 1st wife still doesn't feel comfortible with it she has the right to get divorced..but guess what? Many 1st wives prefer to stay married to keep their families tight.😊

I know both the wives may keep fighting. I pity the husband who is brave enough to take this step, and hold the responsibility of both the wives and his children, trying to be justice. . If he wants he can easily divorce the 1st wife..but he doesn't want to break the family. He still loves and respects her, and wants be around his children , to help in their upbringing.

Women have many reasons to accept being second wives..like being poor, orphan, old , divorcee, widow, or even for love. We can't judge them for this everyone knows what he is going through. Life is very complicated.