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Rabba one month anniversary ve - bitiyas! Oo ka hai na - the sabun completes 4 weeks today, and for those annoying nitpickers who insist that the official ek mahina anniversary is still a few days away - aap toh bus shutupiya lo.
🤗
This week ka Take 5 zyada lamba ho gaya - this is what happens when you're at the airport and there's a Starbucks right next to you. 😕 Aaj ka hyper-caffeinated PhD thesis starts with an ode to...
1. ...Rabba Ewww 🤢 (Monday)
I don't care if bitwa is Justin Bieber and Shawn Mendez ki chati aulaad after his haircut and shave - climbing onto bitiya's bed while wearing chappals is a YUUUGE no-no. 😡
Bitwa wants to get bitiya alone for show and tell, and in order to separate her from the behenas - he sprinkles what looks like foot fungus powder 😲 (but is actually behoshi ka medicine) on her noodles. Behenas gorge...and drop like college fratboys after their first beer bong rave. Waisey - what was his backup plan if she too had snuck a bite of those tampered noodles? But she didn't - and bitwa is now in her room...on her bed...in her face. Cue rabba ve, and bitwa sweeps her off her feet like his dadaji Rhett Butler Singh Raizada did a zillion years ago - when he called Scarlett his Bhagyavaan and gave her dhak dhak wala acidity.
Bitwa carts bitiya to his room, to yet another strain of rabba ve. At this point - I'm pretty sure the only version they haven't tried is one accompanied by tongue clicks and armpit noises.
Cut to his room - bitwa has arranged for a slightly cheesy light-and-sound show. Bitiya starts melting like an ice-cream cone on a hot sidewalk...when bitwa proves yet again that men will never learn to quit while they're ahead. So dupatta lands on bitiya's head - and she promptly decides he's a few pennies short of a dollar (matlab loony).
In the third act - bitiya ki behenas are playing catch with produce in the kitchen...again (I wouldn't eat anything out of that kitchen unless it was effing-STERILIZED, kasam se 😡). Amma arrives to drop anchor - no further rasoi ka kaam is needed. Bhy? Because bitwa has arranged for catered (read hygienic) khana to be delivered. Amma is grateful-wala-happy, but bitiya smells a bitwa-sized RAT. What exactly is he up to this time?
Wardrobe Notables - Monday's nostril clamp was a lotus, which is better than a beetle. Also, bitiya was wearing knuckle dusters - was she expecting an assault by Imperial Storm troopers? But those be small potatoes, kyunki looming on the horizon are...
2. ...Magnetic Chappals (Tuesday)
Bitwa has brought back PeePee & Co. for contract signing (roka) - but he has no intention of actually letting it happen. Bitiya on the other hand has ants in her pants - what stunt is he going to pull next? Turns out she's right to worry...but he doesn't retread the same path twice. No sirree. 😎
As bitiya busies herself in the kitchen with daily ration wala rabba ve and boiling chai (in that order) - bitwa's minions are layering her chappals with magnetized soles, and hiding a metal sheet under the carpet. Gazab wala W*Fery be that this contraption works by remote control (the stunts in this sabun get more ridiculous each day - but you gotta give the geniuses credit for thinking outside the box 😃). Bitiya tries to carry in tea tray wearing her suddenly sticky-as-tar chappals...and predictably ends up showering PeePee and his Maata with garma-garam chai. Waisey - bitiya spilled chai in Kashmir, and it flew cross-country to land on mehmaan in Kanyakumari. Or at least that's what it looked like in maha fake CGI shot.
THREE.
Kya three? Three laakh brain cells died an agonizing, keening death after watching this epi.
Wardrobe Notables - PeePee ki Maata ka necklace. Looked like something that angrezon-key-zamaaney-ka-jailer would hang around a qaidi's neck. Also - I can't forgetiya bitiya's blouse...Bombay Dyeing ka shirt had a mad, passionate, illicit affair with Lucknavi chicken-kaari-not-curry, and this monstrosity was born in a dark alley. Wardrobe witch is obviously assisted by the three blind mice.
But at least bitiya is wearing clothes. PeePee and his Maata are wearing...
3. ...Magnetic Chappal Accessories (Wednesday)
What IS it with the footwear fetish this week?
After drenching PeePee and Maata with chai, bitiya does serious ma-behen of their izzat by kicking up her chappals straight at them. Not deliberately of course - but courtesy bitwa's remote control, which has apparently taken control of her limbs too. One lands on PeePee Maata's purse and gets stuck there - coz magnetic field. The other lands on PeePee's belly button and gets stuck there - coz obviously magnetic field there too. PeePee doesn't know it, but he should be thanking Mahadev that the er...belt magnet only attracted magnetic chappal and not the metal sheet thingy under the rug - that sucker could have done some serious damage to future generations of PeePees.
Can we please be done with chappals now? Bilkul - say CV's...coz next W*F stunt be ready to roll.
OY VEY.
Bitiya is shocked and horrified - ek apology to PeePee toh banta hai, coz shaadi be important to Amma. Unfortunately - said apology is thwarted by (you guessed it) bitwa - he's everywhere these days. After Wednesday ka mandatory rabba ve - the all-seeing, all-knowing antaryaami bitwa sets PeePee on fake CGI fire. Of course, bitwa has already ensured PeePee is stealthily coated with special wala oil that allows fake aag to dance several inches above the skin - but no one else knows that. Shaatir dimaag is firing on all cylinders this week.
Forty Five.
Kya forty five? Previous episode ka THREE laakh brain cells multiplied by fifteen.
Wardrobe Notables: Tuesday ka satyanash continues, except PeePee Maata now sports a turban topped by something that looks like my X-box receiver. Closer inspection reveals it to be a fairly normal towel roll, thank the Devi Maiiya.
But that's the last of the normal, coz aagey ka din brings...
4. ...The Poopy Blues (Thursday)
Roka is still on - despite bitwa's best efforts. Amma is thrilled, bitiya is happy...and bitwa is in jail.
Kya boli - he's not in jail? 😲 Then bhy the qaidi material ka ghastly suit that reminded me of Kaalia? (the movie - geniuses, not the crow! )
I liked that bitiya at least attempts to use head for something other than hanging earrings in this episode - and proceeds to give bitwa a taste of his own medicine. ⭐️ I even appreciated bitwa's reaction when he realizes his predicament - the "Game on - Bhagyavaan!" wala slight smile. ⭐️⭐️
Unfortunately for her - bitwa prevails in the battle of the remote controls. Matlab - her remote wonly traps him in place, his unleashes a horde of pigeons that release a nuclear payload of poop on command. Said poop showers down like Bombay ki barsaat over everyone sans bitwa - he's channeling Olaf the snowman and has his own little invisible cloud cover. Roka has gone down the toilet - literally. Ab bas flushiyana and clean-up baaki hai.
Long time readers of Take 5 know that I generally avoid scatological humor as not in good taste. But when episode ka climax be scat - toh bhat karey J? 😕
One more thing before I forgetiya, Thursday ka background score brought to you courtesy a bunch of drunk monkeys - who somehow got their hands on Chaar Sher ka entire music library...and proceeded to have a lot of fun mixing tracks in the recording studio.
Anyway - wonly one more day to go. So can we lose the blues and cheer up, bitiyas?
Wardrobe Notables: No - we can't lose the effing blues. 😡 Coz everybody except the pigeons was WEARING EFFING BLUE - and I'm not completely sure the set decorator didn't painstakingly hand-tint their poop a light blue to match. Bitwa's outfit was bad enough, but Amma ney bhi dil tod diya. 😭 Amma - the Allahabad Mantal Asylum called, and they want their straitjacket back.
Which brings us to the final episode of the week. But hold your horses - kyunki Roka has incredibly swum back out of the toilet, indicating...
5. ... Pigeon Poop Shagun (Friday)
Pizza has been delivered on time, but at the galat address. Matlab bitiya's roka is done - but with bitwa, not PeePee (shocking exactly no one with any experience of watching desi sabuns). The bitwa-copyrighted dupatta has officially landed on her head - with bells attached to boot.
As the camera spends the next 5 years capturing reactions of every individual phaimily member in slooow-mo (and I swear - it felt like every pigeon too 😡), bitwa and bitiya are the wonly ones who understandiya whose ankles just got shackled. Everyone else is still in PeePee duniya dealing with poop-poop - and happy that bitiya has been roka'd off with (thoda stinky but) achcha shagun.
Unfortunately for them - PeePee is a cad. All he wants is the opportunity to do the horizontal polka with bitiya...and then do a Mr. India (disappear). When he enlightens bitwa (and audience) of his asli intentions - bitwa is enraged. That he didn't think of it first.
Kidding! Jeez.
Bitwa is mad as hell, which indicates that he is developing pyaar for bitiya...in his big toe. It still needs some time to travel all the way up to his dil, so abhi lots of picture is baaki - mere dost.
Wardrobe Notables: All the outfits (save those of bitwa and bitiya) sport intricate designs of poop-kaari (just like chicken-kaari, only smellier). Enough said.
Someday, wardrobe witch will have to answer for crimes against humanity - and explain her sadistic kolaveri against a fairly good looking cast. 😡 Except for the unfortunate denim jacket this week, the only cast member who hasn't generally looked like a blithering idiot is Amma - adding ghaaslet to my awe for her acting and (more important) her negotiation skills. ⭐️
Phew.
Despite being a veritable snarktopia this week - sabun is still not ringing the proverbial ghanta, at least not yet. A script that is currently weaker than a starving Rwandan refugee, a much-loved background score that now sounds like nails on a chalkboard thanks to gross overuse, a wardrobe stylist & set decorator from the seventh levels of Hell, plus the nauseating camera jerk (jerk used as both noun and verb) are all making it difficult to watch...and inserting daily rabba ve's to cover up these glaring weaknesses is like peeing on a forest fire and hoping for the best. Overseeing the satyanash is a producer who has a proven track record, but her shaatir sense seems to have gone on haaliday to iss-Scotlandiya.
So why are we still watching? Many of us are giving it a longer than usual chance to recover because of PH ka pedigree and a talented cast led by Amma and bitwa - but rose-tinted yaadein only take you so far, uske baad product delivery maangta. Agar nahin mila...then BYE BYE without fuss or fanfare, to make way for those who choose to continue watching.
So - will the sabun deliver for its (still) hopeful viewers? Phront phront waiting to see bhat bhat happens, for just a little while longer...
PS: Just so I don't end on a completely satyanash note - can someone make sure the charan kamal of this sabun's barber are hot-glued to the set floors until "THE END" wala closing credits flash onscreen? Whattay phenomenal job cornering bitwa and making sure ALL the excess foliage was sheared off!!⭐️⭐️ Memo to Gul - he/she deserves a double bonus and the thanks of several grateful nations.
Waisey - Gul also gets mera personal gratitude for itna zyaada material for Take 5 this week. 'Twas like drinking out of a firehose - Jidhar dekhoon...W*Fery ki barsaat...nazar aati hai...😃
PPS: Bahut shurukiya to bitiya ThodasaChic (OnePoundChic) for sending me PM giphat with these awesome Inter-Continental-Ballistic-Chai wala gifs!😃😃
Aaj ka final PPPS: I promise! 😉
Daakiya daak laaya (that means PM for you younglings) that we use way too many acronyms in this thread. Keeping that in mind - here be cheating wala farre (Long time satyanashers - please to add if I missed any)
IF - India Forums (Duh!)
RV - Rabba Ve
LDRV - Long Distance Rabba Ve
SRJ - Saansein Ruk Jaayengi
CHC - Chalta Hai Chronicles (Dips99 ka bahut phunny snark bombs)
FNRVIS - Friendly Neighborhood Rabba Ve Interruption Service (usually reserved for nosy naani/daadi/bua/bhabhi/jiji/insert-female-relative lurking in the vicinity, while the leads play trip-fall-catch)
HHBB - Hello Hi Bye Bye
AD - Asli Duniya
SKD - Sapnon Ki Duniya
NSTS - Not Supposed to Say (generally used when dil maangey choice gaalis, but IF censor board orders you to keep it PG-13)
NW1W - Not Worth 1 Word
KBF - Khoon Bhara Font (the moniker that yours truly got tagged with)
DHTD - Dekhna Hai to Dekho (Chaar Sher ka phavorite line when deflecting criticism)
BD's - Body Doubles (Coming soon to a sabun near you!)
W*F - If you don't know what this means - you aren't old enough to be reading this anyway.
Rabba ve bitiyas - the coffee's gone...and they're calling my flight. Miltey hain shaam ko for (yay!) weekend wala guftagoo!
Itti Si Khushi Sab TV
Cricket
