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Bitiyas old and new... 🤗 🤗 🤗
After chaar saal wandering in the desert searching for that next snarktastic desi sabun (and tripping over several unfortunate wannabes) - bhelcomes to the land of the re-tooled, remixed and chipmunked (sped up) rabba ve. ⭐️ The beat is faster than usual, the "veyyy" is longer than usual, the bitwa is hairier than usual, and the bitiya has had plastic surgery.
Say bhat?
Jee haan - we have a new bitiya. You see - Amma Gul wanted to make a brand new show that HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IN COMMON WITH THE ORIGINAL - CAPISCE? So she changed the name of the show, the male lead's initials, the background track, the brooding-bitwa-with-barbaad-bachpan-formula, the channel, even the telecast slot - to basically make it completely different.
Say double bhat? She didn't change ANY of those things? 😲
Satyanash. 😕
But, but, but - the bitiya is brand spanking new. Proof that this has nothing to do with the original superhit show. So move along people - nothing to fuss about here.
You gotta feel for new bitiya. She inherited some Goliath sized shoes to step into, plus a fairly talented co-star who hibernated for five years without shaving. She also faces a rabid fan base that has Rabba Ve perma-tattooed on various body parts and is waiting - just waiting for her to put one pink toenail out of place. 😡 Oh, and to ice this cake - she also has a stylist she allegedly tortured in a previous life, so he's doling out gleeful, sadistic punishment in this janam.
Still...
Here's to auspicious beginnings - as we take pity on 4 Loins and help them find a damn name for this pyaar already, so the same title doesn't keep resurfacing like dead fish for the next forty-five shows. 😡😡 Aaj ka Take 5 begins with an introduction to ...
1. ALL HAIL ADVAY SINGH RAIZADA!
Please to excuse while I give my mouth a break after the cardio workout that name requires.
He's dark - metaphorically speaking. Any darker and he'd be absorbing light and matter like a black hole. (He's also like - literally dark. With all that hair covering his face - sunlight hasn't reached the surface in years )
He's also devious, dangerous and damaged. And his driving desire is to char-broil and barbecue bitiya for puraaney dastardly, devilish misdeeds. He also dislikes sunglasses (keeping yanking them off in slo-mo), enjoys welcoming future lau interests "to hell" in an angrez-ka-bachcha accent, and rescues puppies before kicking the stuffing out of them. Okay - so I made up that last part - but he's DARK. Samjhey? 😡
2. And Chandni.
What - she gets a triple-barrelled name too? Who cares - she's just a female, yo! But she has rivers of hair that flow through multiple zip codes, a bindi that ships use for navigation on dark stormy nights, clothes that issue anguished pleas for crowdfunding donations, and earrings that double as ballast. To top it all off - she's unaware that she's basically the main ingredient in a new tandoori dish called Chandni-fry, and bitwa is the head chef.
For the nitpicky reader - yes, I ignored the nose ring. There's only so much I can take before I blow a gasket. 
3. Act 1, Scene 1.
Rescue pup - check. Followed by short lecture to said pup on birds, bees and the dangers of mixing it up with girl pups-check. Brave, valiant, crying, put-upon bitiya who's a living breathing model of "innocence" and "purity" and Star-Plus-aunty-approved - check. Wet bitwa in first scene - CHECK! Bitwa's juvenile (and sometimes-not-so-juvenile) fan base in paani induced coma - CHECK!! Pack-up for today - tomorrow is another day, Scarlett! 😈
Add to list of things to ignore - favorite piece of music from Season 1 - RECYCLED. 😡
4. Wait - there's more?
Maafi. We shall continue watching. Bitiya is also riven by her own past demons, which is a change from Gul Maiiya's usual sunshine-and-light bitiyas. (Hey - maybe there IS something different about this three-quel, after all? 😲 ) She is under self-induced house arrest, for supposed misdeeds that were the top story on ANN (aunty-news-network, which is just the best for spreading hot khabar in des).
But now she needs to emerge from her cocoon. To light the diya for maha-aarti. Will she or won't she? Of course she will - coz...promo. (DUH)
Aaand back to bitwa. (Did you forgetiya the target audience for this show? ) Having rescued drowing pups, he's busy single-handedly rescuing falling idols, since Thor is currently back at Asgard and can't lend a hand. But never fear - bitwa is up to the job. The barbecue is waiting, after all!
5. VERDICT?
Already? Phront phront see bhat bhat haippens. 😉
And so here we all are, at the premiere of another offering from the tabela of Chaar Sher. Gul and Co have a great reputation for grand launches - shortly before it all goes to hell in a hand basket as body doubles, peeling sets and "dekhna hai toh dekho" all start making an appearance. 😕
You see, Chaar Sher is already responsible for two other demanding toddlers on Star Plus (Botox & Basanti being the firstborn, followed by spinoff titled Botox ke Baalwale Bhai). Add a cranky newborn (IPK3) to the mix, and regular diaper changes stop happening for at least one of the kids. So the burning question is - which kid (show) will be sitting in its own poop a few months from now?
But those inevitable dark days are still a ways off, and for now it is all sweetness and light. As the cast of IPK 3 swaggers onstage - the "bitwa forever" brigade hyperventilates into a paper bag with dazed delight, die-hard fans of Star Wars Episode 1 (maafi, IPK Episode 1) start sticking pins into Gul Khan dolls, and those of us who don't give a damn either way start...
So whether this stays a short-lived deal or the beginning of a new "Hamesha" - phront phront seeing bhat bhat happens!
For now - RABBA VE, AND BHELCOMES! ⭐️
O Humnava Tum Dena Saath Mera
