Chapter 48 (9/10/07)
Bani parked her car and walked toward the bar. Trying to locate Jai from outside, Bani looked through the french styled glass windows and scanned the crowd until she saw Jai sitting on a corner table, drink in his hand, big smile on his face. He was not alone and the person entertaining him with some kind of fun conversation was not Derek...........it was a woman, in fact some red haired woman who had her hands all over him, whispering things in his ears and making him smile, playing with his hair........Jai really seemed to be enjoying all the attention she was showering on him.
How could Jai do this to her? Bani stood silent for so long, she felt her heart begin to sink, tears were blinding her, but she refused to shed them.
Instead she laughed at herself. Jai had already hurt her too badly, what else could she expect from him. So much for trying to bridge gaps. Jai had definitely moved on it seems........high time she did the same.
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Bani walked into the mildly crowded bar and headed for the bar counter which was exactly opposite to where Jai was sitting. The red haired woman was missing. Not that she cared.
Jai noticed her almost immediately and stood up to greet her with a big smile, but Bani just glared back at him and took a seat opposite the bartender.
"Mmm, looks like madam is still angry," said Jai to himself. Well he has given her enough reasons to be angry, and when it came to apologizing, he had goofed up each and every time. Not that Bani was making it easy for him. Admitting his faults to her and apologizing was going to be hard, especially in public. Jai's stomach tightened. He lifted his chin. He could do it.........if she won't listen to him at home, then he could try his luck here.
"Hi swww....." Jai tried to say, but Bani interrupted him almost immediately. "Don't you dare call me that," she warned him loudly.
"Order up!" Sam the bartender shouted. "That is, if you're finished greeting the lady."
Everyone who witnessed that exchange laughed.
Everyone except Bani.
Jai's pulse quickened. Judging by the fire in her eyes, Bani could take him in any boxing ring…and win. "Look, there's no need to beat yourself up because you're angry with me. Why don't you just accept it that you can't stay away from me?"
"What? I'm not..........You don't know what you're talking about," snapped Bani.
Jai smiled and reached for Bani's glass.
"So what does a man have to do to get his wife to buy him a drink?" Jai asked. "Water, preferably. I don't mind a full jug of it."
Bani pulled her glass of water out of Jai's hands. "Three dollars."
"For water?" Jai asked with a smile.
"Yes, that's what I paid," said Bani.
Jai smiled and reached for her glass again.
Bani moved it away from his reach. "Three dollars."
"Oooh," the men at the counter chorused.
Still smiling, Jai reached for his wallet and removed a hundred dollar bill. "This should cover the water…and your wonderful company."
"Aaah," the counter of spectators responded.
Without warning, Bani drenched Jai with the icy water. "On the house."
This time all the patrons in the bar exploded with laughter.
"Actually, that was quite refreshing," Jai admitted. "May I have another? This time, if it could remain in the glass, I'd appreciate it."
"Get it yourself," Bani growled. Standing up, she took the hundred dollar bill and stuffed it into Jai's pocket. "Save this for the red-haired bimbo who seems to be keeping you warm tonight."
She marched out of the bar without giving Jai another glance even though he called after her.
Jai had never been a gambling man, but he was smart enough to know that this was one battle he couldn't afford to lose. However, Rome wasn't built in a day and conquering his fiery water-slinging wife was going to take a little more time than he expected.
No point in following her right now, she would only end up getting angrier. The fact that she was jealous showed that she still cared.....if only she knew it was over nothing. Let her cool down, like he was doing at the moment, thanks to the icy water she poured on him.
Tomorrow, he will start rebuilding their heart's empire again.
****************************************************
Thru the minutes and hours of time
I let the dire take over, what was mine
My thoughts and feelings became unruly
I just wanted to hear, I love you truly
Life had become just a way to live
Learning from others to take and not give
I forgot how to care, understand and listen
For in my heart, real love was missing
Then from her voice the words did say
Hey you over there, you're going the wrong way
You have taken the path more traveled and worn
The path were hearts get battered and torn
If you can listen and try to understand
I will show you we can walk, hand in hand
She showed me what true love was all about
She loved me for real without a doubt
I was over taken with what she had to impart
Leaving her behind with a wounded and broken heart
Now I don't have her, for she has closed the door
My heart bleeds with emptiness upon the floor
I have realized what love is all about
To understand and care, without a doubt
To first think of others feelings and concern
To hear their hearts and needs they yearn
For if she ever lets me back in her heart
I swear before god I wont tear it apart.
Jai arrived at Masi's the next morning. Enough was enough; he had to talk to Bani today. He couldn't stand this distance between them anymore. But he had to make sure there was no water or tea or coffee or basically anything lethal in sight with which Bani could hurt him.
He entered the house through the back door. The kitchen was empty, no sign of Masi which was odd since she spent most of her time here, cooking, cleaning........just keeping herself busy.
Jai walked towards the living room and saw Masi sitting on the couch, her eyes were red as if she had been crying........but why?
"Hi, Masi.........what happened, is everything alright? Jai asked.
Masi refused to reply, she looked away. Jai thought maybe she was upset with him for not coming to see Bani for the last two days or Bani probably told her about last night. No worries, he knew how to bring that smile back on everybody's faces.
Jai headed straight for Bani's room, but as he covered the distance he could feel something was wrong. For starters, there was no sign of Bani in the room. The bed was neatly made, curtains drawn, dressing table all cleared out. He stepped inside with a heavy heart and went towards the wash room. Bani would definitely be there, getting ready perhaps. Jai knocked on the door but got no reply. When he turned the door knob he realized it was not locked. He opened it and peeped in, called out Bani's name. But she wasn't there too.
Panic rising slowly but steadily he turned and saw Masi standing at the door way.
"Bani's not here..........she left this morning," said Masi.
It took a few seconds for Masi's words to sink in before Jai replied. "Left?" he asked in a broken voice.
"Yes, left," Masi repeated.
"Don't joke Masi, this is definitely not my idea of having fun," said Jai and opened the cupboards to peek inside........as if he expected Bani to be hiding in there. But the cupboards were empty.
"Wh......where has Bani gone, Masi?" Jai asked softly, his head was spinning and he didn't know what to make of all this.
"I don't know," replied Masi.
"What do you mean by you don't know?" screamed Jai in frustration.
"Keep your voice down, Jai," replied Masi in a high pitched tone.
"I'm.........I'm sorry," whispered Jai.
"I don't know, means I don't know," said Masi. "She was determined to leave and refused to listen. Said it was all over and she took her things and left."
"And you just let her leave?" asked Jai. "Why couldn't you stop her? Why didn't you call me?"
"Call you for what, Jai? When you were face to face with her on Sunday you could not salvage anything, what could you have possibly done over the telephone?" said Masi.
"Did Bani say anything at all?" asked Jai.
"No more questions from you," shouted Masi. "Now I will ask and you answer. I won't be kept in the dark anymore. What did you say to Bani on Sunday night? Why did she go to see her lawyer the next day? Why was Karuna upset with you, what were you two discussing in the corner the other day?.........then Bani's had an accident, from the hospital you bring her here instead of taking her home, you suddenly stop coming to see her and the next thing I know, she's gone. Haven't you two spoken and sorted things out?" Masi caught Jai's arms and shook him angrily, waiting for him to give her some answers.
Jai looked like a five-alarm fire just went off in his chest. There was such a crowd of emotions on his face that one couldn't tell if Jai was going to cry or scream or run from the room. Masi couldn't for the life of her tell what he was thinking right now. He looked lifeless.
"Jai..........Jai," Masi called out.
He pulled out his phone in a daze and dialed a number. No response. He dialed again...........and again and again..........when he still got no response Jai threw the phone in frustration.
"What happened, Jai?" asked Masi.
"She won't even take my calls," replied Jai in a barely audible tone. "I......I deserve this..........but, what will I tell Kabir? I promised I would get his Mama back........"
Jai looked like he was on the verge of a breakdown. Masi's heart went out to him, she pulled him into a hug and said, "We'll find her, don't worry, she loves you and Kabir a lot, she won't go too far."
"Where do I even begin to look for her?" Jai asked.
Masi thought for a while, and then replied, "Bani said something about going back to where she came from. Karuna tried to talk her out of it also, but Bani just pleaded and asked her to let go. She was crying and not listening Jai, we tried to stop her, we really did," said Masi.
"I.......I need to go Masi, can you please pick Kabir up from the daycare centre," said Jai.
"Where are you going son? Talk to me please, don't do anything rash, let me come with you," said Masi.
"No.....no please, just take care of Kabir," replied Jai and rushed out of the room, the house, hopped into his car and zoomed away.
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It was close to midnight when Jai returned home. He had looked for Bani everywhere............finally calling it a night after receiving no positive news at all.
Jai's heart was thumping when he let himself into the house. He'd seen the Mini Cooper parked outside.....that was Bani's car. Bani didn't leave, she....she came back. Bani came back to him. He recalled Masi's words, "I'm going back to where I came from." That's what Bani had told Masi, and true enough she came back. As a glimmer of hope filled his heart, Jai ran towards the house.
But as soon as he walked in the door Jai knew Bani was gone. Even though her scent lingered on the air, the place felt flat, devoid of energy.
Jai saw the car key on the table. And a note.
"I can't accept the car.........or anything else. I have asked my lawyer to process the necessary papers for us, please do co-operate with him. Don't worry, I am not going to fight for Kabir's custody, he is your son and belongs with you. Also know that I have given up my rights towards any alimony.
Look after yourself and never stop loving Kabir. If possible love him on my behalf too; it's not fair that he loses out on both of us. I am going to miss him like crazy, but I have another baby who needs me more than Kabir and unfortunately there is only so much that I can handle.
Just one request, Jai........if I ever meant anything to you at all, don't look for me, don't try to find me, let me live in peace while you do the same. That is all I ask of you. I feel I earned it. Bani."
She'd drawn a little heart under her name, like she always did. But somehow today it seemed like it was broken. Briefly Jai closed his eyes. Then he crumpled the note and tried to shove it in his pocket, but it fluttered to the floor, out of his fingers, blown away by the breeze.........soon it was gone, just like Bani.
Sure enough, when Jai walked into their bedroom, all the clothes he'd bought Bani were neatly laid out in bags, labeled up with the relevant shop names. And all the jewelery was on the dressing table in each individual box. She hadn't kept one thing.
Not even the engagement ring and wedding band.
Inexplicably, this made Jai sick. If Bani had taken everything, it would have somehow made him feel better, made him feel like he had paid his dues towards her..........she had enough to move on financially at least.
But wasn't this typical of Bani? Jai sat down heavily on the bed. Every step along the way, Bani had consistently surprised him by not acting the way he'd assumed all women did. He got up and went out to the terrace. For the first time in his life, Jai felt at a loss........felt defeated........he didn't know what to do...........he felt impotent.
He wanted his Bani........so badly..........he could taste it.
As he looked out towards the ocean and felt the ache spreading through his limbs, Jai knew it. And had to acknowledge it once again. Bani had got so far and so deep under his skin that he'd fallen for her hook, line and sinker. He slammed a hand down on the railing. Who was he kidding? He'd fallen for her even before she had agreed to get married to him. And despite everything, he was so far in love with her now.........that he knew he'd never find a way back. He was a lost cause.
And she never wanted to see him again. She didn't want him to look for her. Karma. Revenge.
Jai left the view and went back in, slamming the door shut behind him so forcefully that the windows shuddered.
"Love would never be a promise of a rose garden unless it is showered with the light of faith, water of sincerity and air of passion,"........these were Masi's words to him, and as always she was right. But had Jai listened to her?
No.
There was sincerity and loads of passion in his relationship with Bani, but faith.........that lacked big time and not because Bani was not trustworthy and capable of deceit, but because he was incapable of placing his complete faith in her, trusting her to do right thing for him. His ex's betrayal after betrayal had destroyed both love and trust and with all the passion he had left in him, he'd vowed never to love and trust another woman again. No one had been allowed close enough to crack the casing around his heart.
Until Bani came along.
Bani would never willingly betray him. He knew that as surely as he knew poppies were red. The tenderness he felt when he held Bani in his arms; his passionate hunger for her body and his ever-deepening dependence on her were all different aspects of his love for her. She was his fate. His destiny.
How ironic that he had to lose her to understand that.
Jai saw Bani's photograph on the bedside table......his wife. The soon-to-be mother of his child. The woman who loved him with all the generosity of her heart. He said a quick prayer asking that she'd be safe wherever she was.
He was a man regarded by many as a brilliant success. It had taken a small time nurse like Bani to bring him face to face with himself, face to face with the scars of the past and the gaping hole at the centre of his life.
All this while she was with him, and he didn't know how to love her back; he had two chances at happiness and he threw both away........in a very real way, he was a failure.......a big failure.
Jai poured himself a large peg of whiskey and drank it neat. Not satisfied, he had two more neat shots in quick succession. He wanted the liquid to burn his insides, numb his feelings.......but who was he kidding, it would take more than a few shots of whiskey to do that.
He switched on the television.....anything to take his mind of Bani and drown the eerie silence in the house.........like that was possible. His land line kept ringing, 'Masi' flashed on the indicator, but Jai was in no mood to talk to anybody, and what would he say........that his wife left him, she wants to divorce him, she doesn't want to be found, he doesn't know where to look for her........what if it was Kabir and he asked for his Mama?........what would Jai tell him?......Mama's gone. Would he be able to dry his tears when Kabir realized his Mama was not coming back?
No.
Oh god he missed Bani so much..........if only he had gone over to Masi's yesterday. If only she was conscious in the hospital while he poured his heart out.......would that have helped? Jai didn't know and probably would never know.
What he would give just to see Bani's face now, feel her, hug her, kiss her, make her smile or even have her shout at him for his stupidity.
He had to get out of the house, Bani's presence was felt everywhere. Collecting his car keys, Jai decided to go for a long drive.
Jai got into the car and the first thing that caught his eyes was his mobile phone lying on the front seat. 11 missed calls from Masi, 3 from Karuna, 2 from Derek..........he scrolled further down hoping to see Bani's name on the list, instead he found Ranveer's and Veer's names.
He didn't know where he wanted to go, so Jai drove around aimlessly. He took the new Saint Avenue extension into the city and then headed south on Highway 94. Eventually he hit Highway 40, drove east, passed the Microsoft Solutions building and crossed the Crater Bridge into Chesterfield.
That he'd gone miles out of his way or made a complete circle didn't matter. Jai didn't care much about anything anymore. He drummed his fingers on the leather steering wheel. What did one doe in this situation?
Just me and the radio. No distractions.........Jai thought to himself.
He turned on the radio........the song that had begun playing was so apt for him...... Jai increased the volume and absorbed ever word of it as he continued driving.......
(I have attached a link of the song in question.......listen to it while reading the update......it's lovely......you would feel the dodo's pain and regret)
https://youtube.com/watch?v=ujLD5pldF9A&mode=related& search=
I'm sorry
Is all that you can say
Years gone by and still
Words don't come easily
Like sorry like sorry
Forgive me
Is all that you can say
Years gone by and still
Words don't come easily
Like forgive me forgive me forgive me
But you can say baby
Baby can I hold you tonight?
Baby if I told you the right words
Oh at the right time
You'll be mine
I love you
Is all that you can say
Years gone by and still
Words don't come easily
Like I love you
But you can say, baby
Baby can I hold you tonight?
Baby, if I told you the right words
Oh, at the right time
You would be mine
Jai exited at the Airport Road and wandered the slippery side roads until he hit Clarkson. From there it was north on Olive and a right turn on..........
Bani's car was still in the driveway when Jai finally pulled up. His eyes filled with tears as the song ended........ may be even the radio channel knew what a loser Jai Walia was, how he had messed up his life and Bani's. They too were trying to send him a message and rub it in like everybody else did.
Jai dragged himself into the bedroom, beer bottle in one hand; he reached for Bani's pillow and held it close to his chest. He closed his eyes. Even in the darkness he could still see Bani's face. He could almost feel his lips on hers. He could almost smell her. His eyes flew open, but all that greeted his searching glance was emptiness. He sighed.
"Where are you Bani?" Jai screamed, "Please come back to me, I'm sorry, very sorry........I miss you so much god dammit........" Hugging her pillow tight, like his life depended on it he dropped down on the bed and for the first time in a long long time, Jai Walia let himself cry.....
He cried.......
For making the grave mistake of getting married to Roshni........that marriage seemed to have sealed his fate for life.
For his daughter who was snatched away from him......he never got a chance to mourn for her properly, he was so busy trying to black out that part of his life. But today Jai wanted to cry for her.
For being a bad father to Kabir and missing out on all the precious moments in his son's life because he was too afraid to love him freely.
For letting Bani down and for all the hurt, pain and heartache he had caused her when all she did was love him in return.
Jai's life at this moment resembled an onion.............as he peeled every layer he cried even more. He let his tears flow freely because they watered his battered soul. When he finally ran out of them, Jai hardened his heart and told himself that it was no good crying over spilt milk. There was this place in Jai where Bani's finger tips still rested.....her kisses still lingered and her whispers softly echoed... It was a place where a part of Bani would forever be a part of Jai, and he would learn to live with that only because he had Kabir to think about. He would be damned if he failed his son too.
Determined to make it through this, Jai schooled his features to impassivity and went to Masi's the next morning..........he wanted to bring Kabir home. His face was so lifeless, grim and stern that no one dared to talk to him or question him.....not even Kabir, instead he simply hugged his daddy and rested his head on his shoulder.
Together they silently yearned for the woman who had become the centre of their existence.
