The virginity test - Anuj Saxena

THE WEEK/CVoter survey: Young India is liberating the Big V from matrimony, spurring a new sexual revolution
By Rekha Borgohain Dixit
Akanksha Gupta is in her late 20s, and troubled. That she is still single and cannot boast a steady relationship with a man doesn't bother the Mumbai content developer. That she is still a virgin does. "It is disturbing," she whispers her worry. "It isn't normal."
Imagine dying a virgin, said Catherine Alexander, protagonist of Sidney Sheldon's The Other Side of Midnight. That was in the US, way back in 1973, and on the pages of a bestselling fiction. Catherine's secret worry is emerging as a palpable dread in contemporary India, spurring a new sexual revolution. With one significant difference, though. While the conventional view was to preserve the Big V for the nuptial night, young India is liberating it from the shackles of matrimony.

For a peek into the mind of Indian teenagers-the movers and shakers of New India-in the 15-19 age group, THE WEEK commissioned market research agency CVoter. Here's a sample of what we found: GenNow seems to be caught between the two worlds of tradition and modernity. While 61 per cent of 1,004 participants across 10 cities do not regret losing their virginity, and 22 per cent claim to have done so by class 12, traditions continue to influence young minds, too; 63 per cent think virginity is sacrosanct.
Views are changing fast, of course. "Losing virginity is that big step between childhood and becoming a woman," says Rakhi Manjrekar, a 20-year-old Mumbai collegian. For her being a woman and being married are two very different realities. For many youngsters marriage has nothing to do with virginity; only 17 per cent of those who participated in the survey would wait till the vows.

Experts who study social trends point to a rise in premarital sex in urban, rural and mofussil areas. "Premarital sex is rampant, and virginity is an outdated concept," says Dr Suman Verma, head of child welfare department at the Government Home Science College, Chandigarh. "There were abortions of unwed women even 50 years ago. But now abortions are on the rise. Add to that the number of girls who could be covered by some kind of contraception and the figure could be really high." A senior Chandigarh doc says that 40 per cent of the earnings of most gynaecs would be from dilation and curettage (procedure performed to take uterine tissue to diagnose and treat various gynaecological conditions) and abortions in unwed girls. The Population Council's 2006-07 survey of Maharashtra shows that nearly 14 per cent of urban males have had premarital sex, the figure being 25 per cent for rural males. The corresponding figures for females are 11 and 23 per cent. But the significant change is not this.

The change, sociologists say, is more in the outlook towards these relationships. "Earlier, most sexual encounters before marriage were either incestuous or abusive, or both. There was shame attached to them. Even those which were consensual were frowned upon," says Anil Kumar, associate professor at Mumbai's Tata Institute of Social Sciences. "Today, much premarital sex is consensual. These liaisons are openly flaunted, often as a trophy among the younger lot, but more quietly, as another lifestyle choice among mature adults." Kumar recently worked on a project comparing studies on youth and sexuality over the last few decades.

"There's nothing so sacrosanct about being a virgin," mocks 22-year-old Prithvi Khanna. "It just means lack of opportunity." "There is the right age for everything. If you haven't 'done it' by then, it can lead to a lot of frustrations," says 27-year-old Prashant Singh in justification of having lost his virginity seven years ago. "You can marry only when the right person comes along. But suppose that doesn't happen, you can't deprive yourself of other pleasures, can you?"
Not every teenager is bed-hopping, nor every unmarried working woman living in with her boyfriend. But those who are, don't need celebrity status to escape censure. As Mumbai collegian Simi Gupte says, "For me, virginity is an important requisite for marriage. But that's my choice. I don't think any less of those friends who have a different take on it."

The issue [of premarital sex] is not so much a moral one, as one of safety, in this age of Aids. but sex without emotional atachment is meaningless - ANUJ SAXENA, ACTOR

Those who think differently also talk about it. "I have been sexually active for over a decade," says Neil Krishnan, 30. "My girlfriends have mostly been from the same social background as me. How then, can I demand, or even expect the woman I marry to be a virgin?" But only 37 per cent of those surveyed thought like Krishnan: "What she did before she met me shouldn't matter." Or like Dhvanit, a 27-year-old RJ in Ahmedabad who feels that a guy for whom it's not the first time has no right to expect his spouse to be a virgin. "If she has had it in the past, it is OK," he says. "The important issue is whether it affects my relationship or emotional balance. If it does not, then it is fine."

But many change tack when it is time to tie the knot. Virginity matters more to guys; men constitute the majority of the 60 per cent who want a virgin spouse even if they are not. Again, 72 per cent of those who feel virginity is sacrosanct are men.
Women, perhaps, are more tolerant of their spouse's premarital dalliances and view this fuss about virginity as an expression of male chauvinism. "The concept of virginity has never been in favour of women," says Sagarika Sen, 30, who works at an MNC in Gurgaon. "It has always propagated and satisfied the male ego. With women rubbing shoulders with men, it is time society shed its double standards. If you love someone and are sexually attracted to him, why deny yourself the pleasure?"

Many women today have the courage to speak their mind. Says Akrita Shrivastav, a 22-year-old copywriter in Ahmedabad: "In an arranged marriage, I will not marry the guy who asks me if I am a virgin. It is foolish to draw conclusions about my character in a short while." Rashmi Narang, 18, lost her virginity when she was in class XI. "I had my aspirations and it didn't suit him," she says. "We parted ways. Big deal! Who knows if the guy I get married to would be a virgin? It is unreasonable for people to expect their spouses to be virgins in this age."

Even as girls become more outspoken, liberal as well as accommodating, elders are coming to terms with changing social values. "Even in arranged marriages, families take a more tolerant view of a girl who may have had a small affair," says Anil Kumar. Of course, anything more serious is still a complete no-no. Adds Mumbai sexologist Rajan Bhonsle: "Most parents who discover that their children are sexually active, or pregnant out of wedlock, still go through the anger and denial phases. But these are much shorter than before. They then quickly reach the acceptability stage, and look for solutions to the problem."

K. Shankar is a retired bureaucrat living in a Chennai suburb. His 29-year-old daughter is an ad professional in Mumbai, and has had a steady boyfriend for the last four years. Father and daughter have never talked about it. THE WEEK/CVoter survey reveals that less than half the teenagers have talked about virginity with a parent. There is a tacit understanding, though. Shankar believes his daughter would take the right decision and so he is not objecting. He is keen, however, that the youngsters make the relationship legal soon.
Stella Kunte of Mumbai, a grandmother of four, has seen a lot change over the decades. "There were affairs in our times, too. But now, even this field is competitive. Every youngster wants to have done it before his or her friend," she chuckles.

Is sexually repressed India then finally coming out in the open? Perhaps. But the transition is not that simple, given the complicated social dynamics. "I live alone in Delhi. Often, my boyfriend spends the night with me. Or I go over to his place. The landlord does not condone my lifestyle, he doesn't condemn it either. I couldn't have lived so freely in a small town," says Rajshree Menon, who works at an MNC. She cites an incident from Thiruvananthapuram, where an unmarried girl who had rented a flat was hounded out by others in the apartment complex several years ago. They felt it was not proper for a girl to be on her own.

There are other issues, too. "Not everyone is able to handle the freedom responsibly. On the one hand, you have a bunch of youngsters who have gone to the other extreme of being brazen, even careless about sex," says Mumbai-based cosmetic surgeon Mohan Thomas.
Dr Thomas recounts an incident in Delhi, where a 20-something single woman sought a concession for her abortion fees at the clinic, since she had had a similar procedure done some months before. "On the other hand, double standards prevail," he says. "Many of these girls, who have not thought twice before parting with their virginity, have to face the reality of an arranged marriage. And they then resort to procedures like hymenoplasty to recreate at least the physical state of virginity." (See story on page 42.)

Adds Bhonsle: "Often, when entering a relationship, the boy may say he is open-minded. But later, when there is a squabble, the girl's loss of virginity to another man is used as a barb to hurt." Girls bear a heavier burden of premarital sex than boys.
Nandita Gandhi, a researcher with Akshara, a resource centre for women and youth in Mumbai, says that the youth from the lower middle classes are the ones who are finding the social transition most difficult. "I come across boys who want to get close to a girl, but then, it is such a big step to think of having an affair, that, when faced with rejection, they can't handle it," says Gandhi. "This is when you hear of acid throwing, or setting girls on fire. This is a very confused group, torn between traditional norms and the sweeping social changes."

Life is much easier for youngsters who have made truce with the 'evolving culture'. "When everyone is openly talking about nightclubs, one-night stands, live-in relationships and break-ups, why is virginity still a prime issue? If I am not a virgin, how can I expect my woman to be one? Moreover, virginity has nothing to do with loyalty. If a person is truly in love with you, it will be forever," says Manish Rastogi, 22, who studies law at Delhi University.

Social changes, too, have contributed. "Earlier people used to get married by 19 or 20 but now the marriageable age has stretched to 30 and 35," says Akanksha Sharma, a 19-year-old Delhiite. "In this case, it completely depends on a person, if he or she wants to continue being a virgin or not. After an age, youngsters should be left alone to decide for themselves."

However, psychiatrists feel youngsters are still not prepared to accept the consequences. "Most students indulge in a relationship out of peer pressure," says Delhi psychiatrist Samir Parikh. "They don't know how to balance the emotional and physical side of it. This complicates the matter. They lose their focus and become vulnerable."
Many teenagers don't give a fig for tradition (46 per cent believes that sex is for fun), but there are some on whom family values still have a strong hold. "If you have had multiple relationships before marriage, how can you promise fidelity to your spouse? Moreover, sex is not just physical; it is about faith and emotional bonding, too. I have inculcated these values in my daughter and I am sure she realises the importance of being a virgin," says 45-year-old Tara Verma, a Delhi housewife. There are youngsters who concur with such views; in the survey, 61 per cent believe that there can be love without sex.

Akrita for one believes that it is better if you hold on till past your teen. "When you finish education and start working, then it is all right," she says. "However, you should be clear about why you want to lose virginity: is it because of physical needs or emotional?"

Says Madhavi Singh, a science student at Gargi College, Delhi: "Virginity is the most precious thing to me. I respect the kind of atmosphere I have been brought up in and would stick to the social customs."
For many like Madhavi abstinence is a conscious choice; 39 per cent say they will lose their virginity to their spouse only. If at all they do it before marriage, 62 per cent feel they would marry the person they have lost their virginity to.
The concept of virginity is not as straight as it appears to be, especially in an evolving society. "There has always been a lot of anxiety and excitement built up around the first night of marriage," says Delhi sociologist Patricia Oberoi. "The moral, psychological and political aspect of losing virginity is quite complex in the Indian society and is still a big deal."

Indian teenagers are game for fun, as is evident from THE WEEK/CVoter survey. Which also brings out their dilemma. Most of them hesitate talking to parents and are forced to decide for themselves. Says Stella: "I worry because these kids take these steps so irresponsibly. They could be scarred for life."
Perhaps Akanksha, the worrying young woman, needs someone like Stella as much as she needs a man.
(Some names have been changed.)