I dint know why I chose this topic and why am I writing this.. Really no clue...But felt I wanted to pour down... if not I may become insane.. Why ..Im so.. an emotional fool..who is strong from out..but inside still a small gal who wants to just live in the innocence and never want to grow up .. and be living far far away in a isolated island where only the birds and the trees and the ocean waves and the morning sun and the night moon and the twinkling stars I could see and breath only the fresh air of the blooming flowers or day and night and live among the non speaking but have all the senses living being.. I felt life would have been so easy if it was this way.. But what life had kept in my kitty I dint know... I was surviving.. I was a Angel in disguise..but when did I allow a Demon to grow inside my heart I dint know.. Did that heart have anything called as Soul and feelings which were connected to emotions like cry , smile, anger, shy etc.. did it have.. I dint know.. I dint know when my tears disappeared and when I became a stone and cried only in the night along with the dark clouds or the dark demon .. I dint know.. when my windows of my heart ...which once was ..completely shut down I dint know.. When I started loving the word Hate and the word called as Love when it vanished in the air I dint know..
I just asked the Almighty above..why me .. me.. me ?? ..After all the answers replied by him .. or not replied by him..I asked after few days.. Are You alive ..or you a stone like me .. or did u just die after all the ill happenings happened to the man kind.. or the thing called as YOUR EXISTENCE IN THE WORLD AS A FORM IN A FIGURE OR U WERE IN DISGUISE IN SOME ONES KIND NATURE WHEN THEY HELPED ETC.. was it really there...or is it really here ... or will it may be there ??? I dint know .. I don't know..I don't want to know too..
After all you are a Pattar .. the stone.. You dint have any figure.. Its just that somebody told ..some body created u and gave some figure according to their religion and I like a bloody fool believed..what happened to my sixth sense..the Buddhi..which my mom gave.. I dint know.. I shouldn't have believed what others said..I should think from my mind..I should think on my own..I felt..Im doing that now..
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Story :
I was born in the place.. the place which was famous for mainly Guns and Grenades.. Blood and tears.. Bombs and blasts.. Where men dominated more ..and women were just used and made feel each and every day they are just a living being in the world ..in that place.. or may be in some places the women were given due respect what they deserved..
I saw blood and the bones.. the place ..the house where I lived in, was it built above the skeletons houses.. buried underneath .. where many were held captive once and killed or somehow they died by themselves in any way ..either fighting for their freedom with men or the country ..or due to terrorism prevailing..
Did I eat ..the food..the rice.. which was grown in the soil..where once blood was bled and it was mixed in the earth as a natural element elixir.. of life for the growth.. Instead of Water ..when did Blood was used as the essential for the food.. I dint know..
I was born after so many years after my parents marriage..My mom was 30 years younger than my Dad..My Nana and Nani what did they think and got her married ..I dint know..My Dad was a Good man , but why did my parents have fights all day and night ..due to what reason ..I dint know..I was very young. I guess it was the AGE GAP.. or the generation Gap.. I fought and scolded my grand parents..My mom went thru hell and heaven at the same time.. She was tortured by inlaws.. by aunts.. at the young age..She was married when she was just 15 ..She herself was a kid..She was married and given to a man who was 45 ..Who should be having a kid of himself of 5years.How could he do this to my Mom..I was born..Our lives some how was beautiful..rather mummy made it beautiful.she was matured beyond her age ...When she was 20 , she had the mind set of 45 yrs..
I saw the blood and gunda garthi and goons and guns and officers dressed in uniforms all the time near by neighbouring place.. all around ..twenty hours security and scrutiny..Among all the odds , I turned up to be a very good gal.. I scored A's in all my papers.. Going to school and coming back from school was a big problem. But some how , my parents gave me a good education that way. I dint know when I grew up..I was a big gal now. Daddy passed away when I was 15 years old. Mummy had to bring me up all alone. She did as a good mummy as what ever she could do.She was a good friend, a good companion, a good mentor, a good support system for me. Even for her I was the same. None around, we gave each other shoulders when we were happy and sad.. Relatives were a strict No...They dint mingle with us.. so no friends or relatives external.. We survived alone..I guess we were the kids of Darwin..
I grew up..After Daddys death ..mummy became alone..Though we were there for each other , she was aloof, she was alone..she was not able to live without Daddy. I guess what ever the misunderstandings or differences they had , she and he they loved each other and always saw to that I was not a burden any time.I was the passion of fruit.They showered me with love and affection ..I was their Jigar ka tukda..
I grew up. I wanted to fly high in the sky without any barricades and not caged.. But is it the locality or the country I live in or the people or the religion or Is it the man kind or is the pressure from other countries, when did the place where I was born became a living hell I dint know..Once I saw daffodils and lavenders swaying their long stretched body for the wind as shalal laa.. now I dint see any plants or trees.. I see only Barbed wires.. stones and glass pieces..
I couldn't step outside. I dint know how will I study.How will I survive. I some how with elders help joined college. Im in my final year.Still clueless where my life is leading. I need to wear Burkha , so that my physical beauty is not revealed to outside word.. Only my eyes were left to see ..Rest all covered. Didn't I have freedom to dress I thought. One way felt that , the vultures cannot see the beauty inside as they raped me each and every time by the mere look of theirs inspite of me wearing a long black covered burkha from head to toe..Was the Man gender of this kind.. Why in earth .. many men were so.. I dint know..
I cant go outside to buy a pencil. I cant step outside for purchasing food items. So I grew a organic farm inside my home. I made my house my world.Thanks to IT and Bill gates and the electronics and the forefathers.. Babbage and bell and Edison and many more.. I have all the latest gadgets ..Im connected with all my friends and realtives all the time.. So I made a heaven inside my home where my locality and people were partially heaven and see and saw hell too.
I started hating Man kind..Why ?.. Was there something that was hindering me of the past. Was it my Daddy or my Grand parents both the side or the community I belong too where I had to share my bed when ever they wanted..i had to give birth to kids unlimited thinking that Gods blessings..i would love too.As I was only one..For me if I gave birth to three and more too I may be fine ..not sure.. My thoughts were abnormal ones.. I was extra ordinary.I was witty and strong willed.I was a survivor in the odds. I was very talented and brave. I was from outside the strongest and fittest. But all they look ..was it true ..I guess a coin has two sides...the one which is beautiful and the other ugly..They said beauty and the beast.. All people had twin sides of their faces..one the beasty one ..one the beauty.. I was mix of both.
When this Angel in reality started drawing and painting a picture of a devil inside ..Was a Angel in disguise or was I an Angel and the Demon at the same spot. Was I a combination of two. Angels ..Angels ..Angels..
My city was filled with Angels.. my city was called the City of Angels..Where the pigeons could fly freely ..Where the moon was worshiped as God.. Greenery was in the flag.. But when did the Green was replaced by Red blood I dint know.
When I felt for breathing ... I need to struggle and suffocate I dint know. I shut my windows. I crooned myself hugging my legs to gether and sat on the couch or the bed and cried and cried. For how many days I dint know. After so many days or crying .. I became senseless .My eyes became numb.. I went dumb. I was bed ridden .I had a weak heart. Mummy called the doctor. The doctor gave medicines and finally I was fit. But still why life played a cruel game.Why did God take away one and only my Best friend ..She was a young lady.She had a family.What about the Children of hers.Where they will go. What they will do. I miss my pal. I fought with the one above , who was laughing at what things were happening in the world. I cursed him..I cried a lot. Now I felt that , if he was standing in front of me , I would kill him.. when did my heart become so cold , I made it a Ice .. which will melt only for heat. The heat or pain ..which I felt was wincing and killing myself or others around me. . I don't want this Demon of mine to grow..Im an Angel I thought and somehow still fighting with so many ways to stay alive as the innocent and the angel ..
But how much ever I try , why does the heaven ..which I painted it virtually with its core reality becomes hell I dint know. Kids were going to school.All mummy and Daddys kissed their little ones and send Bye and returned home. They were checking the news in moby and TV..the head lines..Bomb blast in the school.. I was shocked..My breathing stopped. My hands shivered .I held the near by pillar and sat down trembling.. My eyes were watery.. I couldn't stop my crying.. I cried loudly with more noise..Mummy came near ..i couldn't control my sobbing.. I told her all things..In the killed kids , even my cousin was there .I said bye yesterday to her..Today she Is no more in the world.
The same people of the country or the government what did they do now.We thought the neighbouring country was a neighbour but when did they turn against us.. After all things happened what they can do now.In TV they run shows and showcase the happenings and do chat shows and etc.. They get the momentum of appreciation and applauds. But the reality and the pain of the suffered the .. mother and the father of the died..what are they gaining.Nothing .They have only loss.Their future died. Their only one ..little one died.The only one who was to be burning the ashes of their father died.The only one who would take their gene forward to the next generation died. The hope and expectation of the little one, who would fulfil their Dads dreams as Dad I will become a lawyer ,a police officer, a collector , a lecturer an entrepreneur, a social worker, a reformist , a psychologist, a philosopher died.. HOPE AND FAITH died. Hope of a future life of the little one..Faith in God and HUMANITY DIED..
I asked him above.. who was sitting and laughing..really did u create such beings in this world..Where these people kids of urs.. Then why do u give this cynicism and sarcastic difference in each and every things..first comes gal and boy..then comes, domination and superiority of gal and boy..always boy above the gal and the gal not to open her mouth anytime..Then comes early marriage , more kids,where the woman kind and her identity is lost..then comes to society..Rich and poor.. Wealthy and weak..Fight and cry..Tears and sorrows..Finally this dint stop with in society ..it spread beyond borders..differenecs in countries ..developed.. underdeveloped.. grown and growing country.. Violence and non violence.. Naxalism and terrorist.. Why all these.
Was Earth no more the land ,where once everybody where happy. Why all these things happened.Why there was no Unity among the people and the country.. countries. If India did some thing good , then comes opposition from Pak or China or US or somewhere against it. When Pak does something good rest other countries shoot their nasty mouth. EGO AND JEALOUSY AND ARROGANCE.. when did these take over instead of the words called AS LOVE AND PEACE.
I still dint know.. some time I felt ..the man and the mens eyes and their ways of living .. it is better to be killed in oneshot..So much I became a Stone , that I hated Living and surviving.i started hating the human kind.
I felt that let the D Day come.The Armageddon ..let the earth burn off all the human kind..There wont be any fights anymore between the country and the people.
I still don't the end of this story.. but im writing clueless what ever im feeling.. Did I have a soul.. I guess No. Im a sadist , I like tears and pain.. Why..was I one of the Dove among the group of doves which were in the sky..but caught in the net and tied with a string and kept inside the cage..
I don't know.. They say .. to Hell and back.. I guess my struggling period was over..It was a phase..the time had to pass. I did see a bright light..shown by my new friends.. I had a set of friends now..who cheer me up to the core. They make me laugh all the time. I said , I will survive and make the black dust too to sing a song..I will make the Black rose too a decorative piece..as I was the beast ..i loved black..but I was an Angel. So Demon on Angel.. never anytime has won.. So Angel won.. the black swan..was the ugly duckling.. when over a period of time became the white Angel..
All my new friends made me laugh and cry with all their antinques..what all crap they said, it made me laugh and burst the teary bubbles into the air with laughter.. Day and night I struggled..finally I found peace ..
My future.. I don't know where it is taking me .. My aim is to become a Public service person.. I want to become a cop. I wanted to join the police academy.But don't know the gender bias..will it let me survive..I guess. I was born to change the world. With my this little thought I can Change I guess..They say it all starts with a drop of water..then it forms a pond..then it forms a lake..then it connects to a river and then the ocean ..and the then all interconnected in the lovely earth where ..sky was the limit.. the ocean was unlimited, the nature ..the greenery and the habitats..the birds and the swans and the insects and the animals and the tiny ants and the butteflies were my friends.. The sun and the moon and the stars were my neighbours..yes I was accompanied by 8 more other planets in this solar system . I was never alone.In the galaxy there were many more things..like asteroids and stuff..
So I said.. THE EARTH IS IN MY HANDS .. THE SKY WAS IN MY FIST.. EK MUTTI AASMAN.. I WAS THE BIRD IN THE SKY WEARING A BULLET PROOF JACKET WITH A GUN IN HAND WEARING A BLACK PRADA ..ANY TIME OTHERS TRIED ATTACKING ME , THE BULLET PROOF JACKET HIT THEM BACK AND THEY DIED. I thought of reverse strategy then the regular route.. yes I was the one survival who survived and suriving amon all the odds..
Back to story..i will become a Police officer and look after my home town for now. With promotions I will take care of the entire country ..I know..I was always born to win ..
Yours Lovingly ..
Astha ..
***************Words from the broken pen*************
Dedicated to one of my real friend.. " Lover , Player and Winner of the Fate and her destiny "
Thank you gal for coming into my life..
Love you ..
Eos ..
Edited by deepavasudev - 11 years ago
Seher Hone Ko Hai
