Chapter 2
Longings
Sometimes, while standing against the mirror you feel like talking to yourself. You talk about losing some of who you were in the past, the whispers and silence you carry around, your internal struggle and dissatisfaction with your own path you are foiling.
Many a times in life you love but that love is not reciprocated, you have to keep up with life though and silence your already voiceless sympathies along the way too.
Always there comes a time you get all your prayers answered, but until it doesn't you cant believe whether something like that really does exist.
For Kashaf life was full of many unanswered questions, many unfair grievances and many setbacks and death blows to relationships. All of this had left her very uncertain of every relation around. Her father had left her mother and her along with her two younger sisters for another woman when she was only twelve. Soon after which all other relations associated with her dad also slipped away just like the grains of sand from within a closed fist. It isn't easy for one to absorb the fact that the once loving father and family you were blessed with is no more there.
Kashaf had been a victim of the tragedy which follows a child from a broken family. She had always seen her mother breaking her back to support the three of them. Despite having the least of the time her mother had left no stone unturned in polishing her daughters' skills and talents. But despite filling her academic and professional life with the beads of success Rafia was unable to fill that gap in her personality; the gap which haunted her days and killed her nights' sleep.
She had always felt alone and in the darkness, when nothing felt complete, reliable or sustaining. And now it was harder than anything for Kashaf to bind herself in new relationships; because trust when once lost is so not easy to regain and place back in its right position and to the right degree.
"Phupho ko kuch tu sochna chahiye tha ye baat karne se pehle..." Kashaf poured her anger on poor Sidra who stood beside her helpless and unaided.
"Ab aisi bhi koi baat nahi kar di unho ne..." Sidra pushed in her opinion.
"Aur unhon ne bohat soch samajh kar hi ye faisla kia hai!" Rafia entered Kashaf's room with a glass of milk in her hands.
"Faisla? Ammi kia ho gaya hai? Meri zindagi hi ke bare mein itnay baray faislay karney wali who kaun hoti hai?" Kashaf tried leveling her pitch.
"Kashaf ab tum badtameezi kar rahi ho..." Rafia creased her forehead.
"Mujhe nahi pata mein kia kar rahi hu... Par mujhe un ki yeh harkat bilkul achi nahi lagi..." She repeated herself.
"Aisa kia keh dia hai unhon ne sirf tumharay aur..."
Kashaf interrupted in between.
"Kia ho gaya hai ap dono ko? Ye siraf hai?" She passed them those incredulous looks.
"Acha leave all this for now... Here take this milk and try to get some sleep. We will discuss this matter tomorrow." Rafia said and left the room, leaving a distressed Kashaf behind.
She tossed and turned in her bed, sleep was impossible for her at the moment. Her thoughts drifted back and forth to her memories and the present and then finally settled. She closed her eyes in sheer desperation and madness.
Kashaf clicked her fork on the empty plate in front of her. Usama along with Zaroon and Sara rushed inside the dining room. Usama passed a rather meaningful smile in her direction where she looked back thoughtlessly. Her attention soon shifted to Zaroon and Sara behind him.
"Kia pura din yahin rehtay hain?" Kashef poked Sidra; whispering in her ears.
"Pata nahi...but how cool right?" Sidra said pensively.
She passed her a weird look before shaking her head and pouring herself a glass of water. As soon as food started everyone broke into their useless chit chat over the table. Kashaf silently nibbled her food and tried ignoring the unease she felt with the radiations of an intense glare from across the table now and then.
"Kashaf here have some of this... I know you love rice and I specially ordered this one for you..." Her phuphu said passing her the mammoth size rice platter.
"Yeah its considered to be the best rice dish known.." Usama added.
Kashaf forced a smile and placed some rice in her plate.
"So what are you doing these days?" Usama asked and so started the series of questions from him and phupho which she so detested. She could never understand why people could not mind their own business and interfere less in others lives. Who is doing what and why and how. And then trying to fix their own opinions everywhere even if they don't fit anywhere.
Sara and Zaroon soon excused themselves from their where Kashaf was still under investigation, at least she would call it so. If it weren't for her ammi's sterns looks now and then she would have spat something unreasonable right there in front of everyone.
Surprisingly after the lunch was thankfully over Kashaf's phuphu called her and Rafia for a private talk in her study. Kashaf followed behind considering it the last of the day's drama.
"You don't know how happy I am to see you here today Kashaf." Her phupho tagged her line again, the same she was tagging ever since she had come there that day. Kashaf smiled forcefully yet again.
"There are so many things I want to say to you so many apologies so much guilt I have been keeping inside me..."
Please not again!' Kashaf thought but put up a brave face to tolerate some more of the drama she was going to make now.
"its okay phupho I do not have any regrets or complains..." She lied very conveniently just so she would stop her futile wallowing.
"You are such a gem Kashaf." She said with a very guarded tone. Kashaf was taken by surprise although Phupho was a good friend of her ammi but she had never so keenly taken any interest in Kashaf, same was the case when it came to Sidra or Shehnilla.
"Rafia there is something which was bothering me for quite a few days now." She addressed Rafia this time.
"Aisa kia ho gaya hai?"
"kuch arsey se mein khandaan mein Usama ke liye rishta dhoondne ki koshish kar rahi thi..."
"Ye tu achi baat hai..."
"aur meine tu kuch ka soch bhi lia tha par jab maine Usama se baat ki tu..."
"Tu...?"
"Uss ne mana kar dia."
"Par kiun?"
"who kisi aur se shadi karne me interested hai."
Rafia waited for her to complete.
"Who Kashaf se shadi karna chahta hai..."
Kashaf gaped at her phupho's face that was fixed in Rafia's direction only. Her words kept reverberating in her ears.
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Sorry for the super late update... college keeps me hell busy. cant promise but will try updating soon. kindly leave your comments behind.
Edited by SaneWhispers - 11 years ago
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