Joke Junction #8 - Page 2

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.

"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."

He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore!"

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.

He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do."

Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."

A mother asked her young son, as they waited for the bus, to tell the driver he was 5 years old, because then he would ride for free.

As they got into the bus the driver asked him how old he was.

"I am 5 years old," said the little boy proudly.

The driver had a son of his own that age, and smiled, "And when will you be 6 years old?' he asked.

"When I get off the bus," answered the boy.

Six-year-old Pappu came downstairs crying loudly.

"What's the matter?" asked his mother.

"Papa was hanging pictures, and he just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Pappu.

"That's not so serious," soothed his mother. A big man like you shouldn't cry at a trifle like that. Why didn't you just laugh?"

"I did," sobbed Pappu.

Santa goes to the podiatrist with a swollen foot.

After a careful examination, the doctor hands him a pill that looks big enough to choke a horse.

"I will be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.

The doctor has been gone a while, and Santa is losing his patience. He hobbles outside to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat, and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat.

Santa then hobbles back into the examining room. Just then the doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water.

"Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that foot for about 20 minutes."

Cop: How did you kill 50 people in a car crash?

Santa: I suddenly lost control.

Cop: Then what happened?

Santa: I saw 2 people on the right & a wedding party on the left. You tell me which should I have hit?

Cop: The 2 people on the right would have certainly caused less damage.

Santa: Exactly what I thought! I hit the 1st one but then the other one person ran into the wedding so I went after him!

One night Peeto, doesn't return home.

The next morning when Banta demands to know where she was all night, she claims she stayed at a friends house.

Banta rings around her 10 best friends and they all say Jeeto didn't stay at their place last night.

One night Banta doesn't return home.

The next morning when Jeeto demands to know where he was all night, he claims he stayed at a friends house.

Jeeto rings around his 10 best friends. 8 of them say Banta did stay at their place last night, and the other 2 claim he is still there!

Judy called the police.

"My next door neighbor is exposing himself. Oh my," she continued, "he's just standing there, big as you please, taking a shower with his window shades up!"

The squad car arrived immediately to catch the evil culprit in the act. She led the cop into her bedroom and pointed out her window.

"See what I mean, officer."

The policeman scratched his head and said, "Ma'am, I can only see the top of his head."

Judy, "Fool, just put a chair on that dresser over there and stand on that!"

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.

"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."