Finally, the day has arrived!! Finally, it's February 16th!! *Sigh* Oh, how have I been desperately waiting for this day.. waiting since this day passed by last year. It has been a long arduous year, yet another lifeless year..
I could not sleep well last night, for the intensity of anticipation of tomorrow was unbearable. I hoped the morning would bring in some relief, but the crack of dawn, only worsened my anxiety. My mind churning at an absurd pace, trying to guess and second guess, what I am to receive today, what words it would read and if I would receive it at all... I barely managed to finish the chores this morning and quickly made it out of the house, before letting anyone notice my restlessness... And now, here in my cabin, I wait, with utmost impatience..
The clock seems to be ticking slower than usual. I pace around hastily, in my little room, wishing if I could somehow fast forward it. I open the file at the top of the pile on my table, in an attempt to busy myself with work, but in vain. Unable to register a single word, I close it shut, letting out a deep sigh. I fiddle with the pallu of my saari, twisting, turning and tugging on it. But, Nothing seems to be helping. I start pacing the length of my small room again, alternately glancing at the hospital entrance and the clock. I know it's not time yet! I grab a glass of water and gulp it down in one shot, begging the butterflies in my stomach to calm down, but they, only seem to multiply in number and take over my entire body. My hands are now cold and so are my feet..
For an instant, I fear, someone might take notice and come looking for me, as I haven't stepped out of the cabin since I entered about 3 hours ago. I try to regain composure, repeatedly assuring myself, "he has promised". Unable to bear the tension any more, I grab a few papers, on the top of the table and rush out of the cabin.
As soon as I drop the papers, I hurry back. Then again, my mind picks up.. where it had never left off.. I slump into my chair and throw my head back, exhaling deeply. As I sit, staring at the ceiling, thinking about this date, the past comes rushing back to me..
Today is February 16th, a date, that has off late become the most important one of my life. No, it is not my birthday or any of my children's birthday, or the day we got married or... or even the day we were separated!! Sigh!! Yes, we are now separated for 10 years.. 10 long lonely years of misery. This date, did not hold any significance in my life until 5 years ago.. when, on this day, I had once again heard my own, long forgotten name.. "Mrs Ragini Khanna". My name, that not mine anymore...
The first few years of separation were almost all drenched in tears. The abundant tears, I didnt know existed. My world had come to an abrupt end, Nachiket, had walked away, to never return. And off with him had gone my 2 kids, Ranbir and Aagam. The family was mercilessly divided and my heart shattered, into pieces, so many, I cant even fathom. I cried, I wept, day or night, unable to reason, unable to accept, sometimes trying to find what went wrong, where did I lack, sometimes just buried in my agony. At times I blamed myself and at times, I cursed him. I hated myself, for loving him beyond madness, and blindly trusting him to eternity. The tears rolled down faster and faster and along with them took my hope, my strength, my life.. I didn't want to live.. but destiny wouldn't let that either, for I had to live for Nishi and little Aarav, the 2 children that stayed with me and became my only reason to be alive.
Maa, had been looking after them, while I wallowed in despair, weak, lost and helpless. I sat lifeless, for hours in the corner, clutching tight on the picture of my complete family, trying to restore, something that had broken beyond repair. My heart craved. My mind stood blocked! I barely knew, when I was awake and when asleep. At night, my eyes refused to close and when they did, I almost always screamed myself out of the doze. The grief of separation competed with the acute pain of, he, not having turned back even once, each often overtaking the other. Lifeless, was my state for, I dont remember how long.
Then, I remember.. a few days (may be months) later, I sat in the corner coldly staring into the abyss. The tears wouldn't show up any more, no matter how much I cried, for lately, they had dried up. Even Maa, had given up on me, after trying everything in her capacity to talk me out of that state. She was beginning to lose hopes, of me ever recovering.. Nishi and Aarav, almost always stayed with Maa. I often heard Nishi asking, "Naani, maa ko kya hua hai?", and Maa would answer, "Maa thodi saad hai beta".
That day, as I sat, with my gaze fixed to a corner and my hands wrapped to my legs, little Nishi, walked up into my arms.. Cupping my face in her little soft hands, in her low, innocent voice, whispered, "Maa, aap itna sad mat ho! Paapa phir se Delhi gaye hain, aajayenge", her eyes filled with belief and hopes... I hugged her tight, unable to betray her naiveness ... and I broke down... my tears were flowing again.. But, this time, it was for the last time!! I looked at her hopeful eyes and only A sense of betrayal stood in all its strength, his betrayal to my kids. I venomously hated him, for heartlessly walking away from my children, for mercilessly crushing their hopes. I was shivering with immense rage and extreme hatred. I stood up, in all determination, to never remember him again!! I wiped off those last tears, and resolved, to start afresh again... To prove him, that I can give my kids the best upbringing, alone, without any help... I started to look for a job.
My life now revolved around my kids and my profession, as the assistant admin of the hospital. I had come to be a stern, loveless woman, who strictly went by the rule book and did/spoke nothing other than her work. The folks at the hospital didn't dare ask me about my past. They saw a rigid, hard-working single mom, boldly fighting against the harshness of life, determined to make ends meet. My heart, now, was nothing more than an organ, utterly devoid of any emotions or feelings. I had wiped out everything, that brought back his memories. I even, detached his name from mine, I was again, "Miss Ragini Patel".
But even then, behind closed doors, in the coldness of the nights,, I often fell weak, unable to put up the fight against my own heart, I gave into his memories and let them engulf me.. I cried, I yearned for him...for my family.. I ached for my kids..
It had been 5 years of this monotonous life. I had barely made a settlement with my heart, to overcome their memories, and look away.. when..
It was a normal day at the office, I was seated in the boardroom, engaged in an important meeting with the senior doctors, when a courier guy walked in with an envelope in his hand.. "Mrs Ragini Khanna", he announced out loud. I was startled, his words, reverberating and echoing from different directions. I almost toppled off my chair, in disbelief of what I had just heard. Luckily, none noticed my reaction and were busy responding to him. "Yahan koi Ragini Khanna nahi hai, sirf yahi ek Ragini hai, but she is Ragini Patel", said Dr Devika to the man, before turning to me and confirming her response. I just nodded indiscreetly, still recovering from the shock, of hearing my own.. long forgotten name. The man, looked around one last time, and seeing no reaction from anyone, walked out.
Tightly shutting my eyes, I told myself, I should not react, I should not run behind him, I know that envelope could not belong to me, I don't know the person it came from, I have forgotten the only one person who absolutely adored and prided in calling me Mrs Ragini Khanna.. I should not leave the meeting... but before my conscious could complete, I was desperately racing down the hallway, trying to catch up to him. Finally, right before the main door, I voiced him to stop. "Woh mujhe do..', I said authoritatively. "Aapko sign karna padega.. aur mere liye strict instructions hai ki, Mrs Ragini Khanna, hee sign kare", I cringed my eyes, hearing the sound of my name again and his unreasonable request. Then, composing myself, said "Lao, mai sign karti hoon". "Yeh aapka nahi hai", he retorted, confused. "Mai Mrs.Ragini Khanna hoon", I said in a softest voice possible, snatching the paper to sign from him. I was no less than shocked myself, at my proclamation. I had just uttered the forbidden name, I had vowed to annihilate. I had painfully broken the vow,, for what?, I knew not.. I signed my old signature "Mrs Ragini Khanna', grabbed the envelope and quickly ran to the cabin to drop it off, before hurrying back to the meeting. But my mind, never made it to the boardroom, as was completely held captive by the letter..
Couple of hours later, when I was able to finally free myself.. I rushed back and picked up the envelope. My cold hands trembled, as I looked closely, at, "Mrs Ragini Khanna", inscribed on it. The curved R, a long-looped "g" and an artistic K... the writer needed no guesses. Subconsciously, I hugged the envelope close to my heart and alternately re-read my name again and again and again...
But why? Why now? after 5 years? Was everything ok? I panicked at that thought and hastily tore open the cover..
Inside, were 4 pages of handwritten papers, in a calligraphy, all so familiar. Even on that day, seeing the writing, that is imprinted so deeply in my heart, sent shivers down my spine and the reminiscence of the love letters we had exchanged, before marriage, flooded back..
Taking in a deep breathe, I started to read..
Ragini,
It makes me immensely happy to know, that you are still Mrs.Ragini Khanna. Ha ha ha, So, you haven't moved on? Thank you for considering yourself Mrs Khanna, my wife!!, even today!
I was enraged, "he thinks I am stuck!". Seething, I growled, "Dare of this man!! What does he want to prove?". I hurled the letter to the corner and darted out...
I did not return until late afternoon when it was time to go home. I had endured the day with great difficulty, for his mockery had ruled in my head. Angrily, I picked up the letter and shoved it into my purse, as another burden to carry, another secret to hide, another uninvited problem to my already disordered life.
Later.. in the quiet darkness of the night, I lay wide awake, unable to fall asleep. I felt a force pulling me towards the letter, as if it possessed a magical power... "Had he written to only taunt me? Taken the pain to find out where I was and send it, to only show off his ego? Was revenge, his only intention? What would he be seeking revenge for?", my mind wouldn't stop. Finally, I got up and approached it, with nothing but the expectation of disappointment..
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