Chapter 5: Heartbreak Ramnath Malhotra watched as his son broke down, in front of his eyes while he stood as a mere spectator. Tonight, he would not get any semblance of peace. He kept staring at the ceiling while pondering over his life's actions. He never imagined to which extent Shravan longed for motherly love, for a hand to caress his head, to tell him it was all okay, to assure him that everything was going to be fine.
His eyes shifted to the right side of his room, towards the hall of fame' like he used to call it fondly. His eyes scanned through all the trophies, the certificates earned by his dearest son, the apple of his eyes. As he looked, he realized how lucky he was to get him in his life.
He had made him so proud over the years. He had become a man of his own stature, a man who was know for his integrity, a man people admired and envied at the same time. In the quest of creating a man, he had killed the child inside him and as much as he tried he couldn't bring him back.
It didn't matter how successful and independent Shravan was because at the end of the day, he had nobody to share it with.
Tears brimmed in his eyes as he realized his folly. After his estranged wife left his house, he had taken an oath to make Shravan the most capable man ever. Unfortunately, at the cost of his childhood.
Nobody would be able to point a finger at him, he would prove to be a better parent than Nirmala yet he had a lingering doubt... what if he failed, what if he was not able to instill the values and principles he lived by, what if by any chance, Shravan became his shadow?
Till now he had the intimate conviction that whatever he had done was to ensure Shravan's well-being but as he recalled the events from the last few days, he realized that he was actually trying to save himself, his pathetic image of self-worth which was going to shatter into pieces. That's when the blindfold was removed and he could finally see the consequences of his actions.
It was time to make amends, to give Shravan his share of happiness, the one he truly deserved. He knew that the truth was going to break him to pieces but he had the assurance that unlike last time there was someone on whom he could rely someone who would stand strong for him when he would be crumbling down, someone who would pick up the pieces one by one and fix them. Someone who would stand tall in time of adversity.
His anchor.
Shravan was going to hurt. His heart was going to break, again.
But Ramnath knew that he would recover, he would be fine because he had her and unlike to his belief, she was the kind of woman who stood in front of a tornado, unmoving, if need arises.
---------------------------------------------------------------
"Sojao, chup chap." She ordered as her hand tightened around his neck, her eyes still closed.
Shravan stirred in his sleep, his neck was stiff due to the position he was sleeping in, half sitting half laying. Still in a haze, he grew aware of the fingers which were rubbing soothing circles in the back of his hands, writing her name into his skin.
He tried to wiggle out from her grasp but she pushed him back on the bed and snuggled closer to him, stopping him from moving altogether. When he tried again, she forbade him to even think about getting up. So he was now waiting for her highness to wake up and let him go, but she seemed to have another plan in her mind.
"Sleeping beauty." He whispered in a mock tone as his fingers dared to caress her temple before tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.
From the way she was wrapped around him, anyone could think that she needed him more than any thing, when in reality he was the one seeking support, last night.
While growing up, he always had this problem, he couldn't open up to anyone. Even in London he was always on his guards around people. He was scared of them. Of the look in their eyes. It made him feel weak.
She always looked at him in a different way like she understood, like she could see through his tormented soul. Sometimes, he felt that she had a little bit of him inside of her and it made him think that perhaps they were not that different.
His fingers traced the soft skin of her cheeks, he felt the need to assure his heart that she was really here, with him. She wasn't another illusion. She stirred and his heart did a somersault in his chest. Unlike last time he didn't have to duck behind a book. He could openly admire her. She was here with him, for him.
She slowly opened her eyes and the sight she met was the one she had once wished for. A smile adorned her face as she looked up to him. He was staring back at her and the way he looked at her in that moment filled her heart with epiphany.
She looked down feeling shy but her fingers kept playing with the hem of his t-shirt. He smiled at her action and made her look up to him with his hand under her chin.
"Tum theek ho ?" Her breath hitched as his hand inched lower to the cove of her neck,
He hadn't forgot anything about yesterday, it still hurt but for time being he just wanted to bask into the proximity of the woman he had been in love with, since forever.
She was getting used to waking up in his arms, she felt so close to him, like right now she could feel the thumping of his heart against her hand, his breath falling on her bangs and his eyes scrutinising her.It had become a routine and she had picked up peculiar liking for it. Talking about routine, what time is it ?
"Time kya huwa hai?" She asked, her voice raspy from sleep.
"9:30" He answered yawning.
"9:30 !" She pushed his hand from her face and frantically searched for her shoes.
"Tumne jagaya kyon nahi mujhe ? Ah tumhari wajah se main late hojayongi. Hadd karte ho." She said in one go, grabbing a towel and her clothes on the way.
"Excuse me ? Lete raho chup chap ye kisne bola tha. Upar se aapna pura wazan mujh pe dal ke ghori bejh ke so gayi tum. Aur mujhe kehti hai. He huffed in annoyance.
"You called me fat." Her mouth was formed a big O.
"Aur nahi to kya ?"
She threw a cushion at him and ran to the bathroom as he sprinted behind her. She plumped against the door of the bathroom, a smile on her face and stifled a laugh as she heard him sighing. She had missed all of this the easy banter and the familiarity. It almost felt like old times and she couldn't be happier, but the shadows of the past were waiting at their doorstep. She shacked her head, dismissing the negative thoughts which plagued her mind early morning.
When she came out of the bathroom, Shravan was busy working on a case. She stood in front of the mirror, brushing her hair. She could see him stealing sly glances at her. But he tried to wear it off with an expression of deep concentration, but she knew he was just pretending.
They both looked at each other in tandem as he got up from his seat and stood behind her in front of the mirror. She gestured at him to say something, but he shacked his head side to side. She could see that he was trying to say something but was unable to. His mouth opened a few times then closed on his own as he tsk in annoyance.
Kuch kehna hai tumhe ? She turned to look at him.
"Haan wo..." He fidgeted with the little packet in his hand. She looked at him endearingly. It was funny how easily they could fight with each other but when they had to open up to the other, they found their palms sweating and their hearts racing.
"Kuch dena hai tumhe." He took her small palm in his large one and kept the packet on her hand. She tore the paper off in excitement and what she saw stunned her. Emerald earrings, small and delicate yet they shone under the light. She had been wanting to buy a pair since a long time, but they were never up to the mark, they were either too loud or too bland. During the wedding's shopping, her attention was caught by them. One look at the price and she had passed in front of it.
"They made me think about you." He confessed, looking at his shoes. He had seen her looking at these, back in the day and immediately bought them for her, but he never got the opportunity to give it to her. His first proper gift to her. So many memories came flooding back. He remembered it all, the little details about her. Her fears, her insecurities, what made her smile, what made her frown. It was like she was imprinted all over his mind and heart.
She was in love with this giant. With the whole of him.
He didn't say anything but she knew that it was his way of saying thank you, for yesterday. She wanted to hug him, so badly, but fought the urge. He already looked so embarrassed, she didn't want him get even more conscious. So she settled for his hand and gave it a little squeeze.
"They are beautiful. I love them. Thank you so much." She thanked him with that dazzling smile of hers which made him felt worthy in his own eyes.
"Accha suno, I need a favour from you."
"Bolo."
"Tum please mujhe aapne ghar chod doge, mujhe aapni ghari leni hai wahan se. Agar nahi, to koi baat nahi, main auto le loon gi." She waited for his answer, for some reason he looked bothered.
"Aapne ghar ? Ye ghar tumhara nahi hai kya ?" He looked almost hurt and she found herself, reaching out to his hand, to calm him down. He was a child, from whatever she had said it was the only thing that caught his attention.
"Mera wo matlab nahi tha." She assured him, but he still had a scowl on his face.
"Jaise Tiwari Killa tumhara ghar hai, waise hi ye ghar mera hai. Tumhari har cheez par mera haq hai... bachpan se." That seemed to do it for him, his features softened hearing her words, making her melt like an ice cream on a sunny day.
"Chalo." He interwined their fingers together and she was amazed to see how they fit; as if they were meant to be.
The ride to Tiwari Killa was silent, but it didn't stop them from looking at each other from the corner of the eyes. Sumo, in his car, was a normal occurrence, but this was the first time she sat as his wife.
They reached to their destination. He had to rush back to the office as he was already late, so he couldn't accompany her, but asked her to pay his greetings to everyone. She was about to get out from the car but her hand stayed still on the car's door. She was willing to say something.
"Kya huwa ?" He looked at her as she turned towards him.
"Tumhe kabhi bhi kisi cheez ke bare main baat karna ho to main hoon. Jab tumhara dil chahe, to bula lena, main poch jaon gi."
Her statement overwhelmed him, he had waited all his life for someone to acknowledge his feelings, to listen to him and she just gave him the assurance he needed, to move forward. He nodded wordlessly and she got down from the car.
"Miss me Mr.Malhotra." She said smiling as she went towards the entrance of Tiwari Killa.
"In your dreams, Mrs.Malhotra." He shouted back. As he saw her retreating figure, he could finally admit it to himself.
"Hamesha."
-----------------------------------------------
Ramnath sat in his son's cabin waiting for him. He had asked him to meet him here. The same place, where he had given him his pen, where had had given him all the responsibilities. His fingers traced the letter of his name on his name plate, as he thought about the impending doom. A soft knock on the door broke his reverie.
"May I come in Sir ?" His voice was playful and his eyes felt lighter. He looked happy. Tears brimmed into his eyes as he knew that he wouldn't get out of here, in the same state of mind. His boy's heart was going to break and he was the only reason behind it.
"Come, sit." He gestured towards the chair next to him. He turned his own chair, so they were face to face, now. Even when he was sitting down, he was taller than him and Ramnath couldn't help but realize how time seemed to fly.
He took his hand in his as he couldn't muster the courage to look into his eyes. Shravan was taken back by his action, his father never bowed down before anyone.
"Papa kya huwa, sab theek to hai. ?" The concern in his eyes made him feel even guiltier.
"I need to talk to you about something very important. Please, meri baat suna Shravan aur use samjhne ki koshish karna." He dared to look up at him and let a shuddering sigh.
"If it's about yesterday, I don't want to talk about it. I am fine Papa, I just needed some time off. She doesn't deserve our attention neither our anger. Waise bhi unne kabhi parwa hi nahi thi humari." He said with a sad smile on his face.
"Usse hai, tumhari parwa."
"Papa ple-"
"Let me talk Shravan, please." Talking was getting difficult as he found himself sitting in the place of the culprit.
"Tumhari maa, Nirmala Malhotra, tumhe chod ke nahi gayi thi."
The words seemed to be an echo to him, as his hold tightened on the hand he had been holding.
"She came back for you. But I didn't let her take you away. I threatened her to drag her to the court. I blackmailed her in order to protect you, because I knew that you would choose her." He was crying now.
It felt like he couldn't breathe, like every nerve in his body had stopped functioning. Even his heartbeats seemed foreign to him. The only thing that made him believe that he was still alive was the hold on his hand, a futile attempt to keep him from slipping into the darkness.
"I sent you to London, so she couldn't reach out to you. Phir tum wapas aaye aur tumhari zindagi main Suman aayi and she became the way for you to meet your mother. Toh jab tumne mujhe bataya ke tum use pyaar karte ho, to main darr gaya Shravan, main bohot zyada darr gaya. I was so scared to lose you, that I distanced her from you. I gave her cheque for Puskhar's wedding and in exchange asked her to give up on you." So this was his place, his stature in their eyes. He was an object to them, his love was nothing more than a thing. One had estimated his worth, the other had sold him.
"But she didn't take it, she told me that you would find your way back to her, but I proved her wrong."
There was no life left in his body, as his hand fell limply by his side. A lone tear rolled down his right cheek. This was a nightmare and there was no emergency exit from it.
"I'm so sorry Shravan please forgive me. Aapne aap ko aise takleef mat do." He knelt down in front of him his hands holding his knee, begging for forgiveness. As Shravan looked down at him, he realized that he was unknown to this man. This man was a stranger to him, he had worshipped the floor he walked on, stood by every of his words, he never questioned him, he never argued because if he could bet his cards on one person in his life then it was on this individual, who turned out to be his biggest culprit. Now he remembered, initially how he tried to know more about his mother from his father and how the latter dismissed his every question. As the years passed, he stopped asking altogether, because he didn't want to hurt him, to remind him constantly of his failed marriage. Now, he realized that he wouldn't answer to his questions, because he was too busy protecting himself while he was left with the impression that his mother didn't love him enough to stay.
"Shravan please say something." His voice was a mere whisper, but it felt like a needle to his heart, poking him.
"She was the only one I ever wanted. The only thing I ever asked from you." He kept staring ahead, not even daring to look at him, in the eyes-it would hurt too much and his heart was already on the edge.
"Every time, I defended her to you, more than you I was trying to make myself believe in her. She wouldn't leave me like my mother did. Wo Nirmala Ahuja nahi thi. Aur jab jab wo mujh se door bagh ti thi, to mere dil ko samjha na aur bhi mushkil hojata tha. Aapki har baat sahi sabit horahi thi aur mera pyaar jhoota." His voice sounded alien to his own ears. It seemed distant.
"Ijazat maangi thi na mene aapse. Ek baar kaha hota aapne. I would have chosen you. Jaise taise jee leta uske beghair, samjha leta aapne dil ko. Dobara kabhi nahi milta usse." He closed his eyes as bile rose into his throat.
"I am so sorry Shravan." As his hand clutched his knee, in a desperate attempt to connect to him, but one look at his eyes and he understood that he had lost him, most probably forever.
Shravan got up from the chair, leaving the man sitting on the floor regretting. Immense sadness engulfed him as he passed the threshold of the house he called home.
He belonged nowhere. Today, he felt loneliness in the cruelest way, a human being could ever feel. He reached to his room and came face to face to his reflection. He traced his features with his eyes, he was the replicata of that man. The puppet to the master puppeteer, the perfect toy to play with. His whole life was the fruit of series of manipulations, betrayals forged by the one person he had thought as his own.
Your father played you and you fell into the trap, like a debutante. The girl you love sold you off and your mother, well she never felt the need to look back at you, the delusional kid you were, spent all these years, pinning for them, waiting for them, like a fool. Look around you, who is standing by your side. You are alone. You have no one. You belong nowhere.
You are a joke Shravan Malhotra, a joke.
He wanted to cry but tears didn't came. He wanted to yell and break things, but he didn't have the strength in him to do so. He wanted to grab a bottle of the poison he had grown accustomed to and drink till he couldn't feel. He wanted to pull his hair by its roots and erase his existence, but he did nothing of the sort. He simply sat against the cupboard. He wished he could be the little Shravan again, the one who would found solace into his mother's lap. He wanted to sleep and never wake up again.
----------------------------------------------------
Sumo rushed to the house in a state of panic, she had gotten a call from Pushkar, who seemed to be quite shaken up and asked her to come as soon as possible. When she came into the living room, she understood. Ramnath Uncle had lost all colours from his face and Lalaji was trying to make him eat something. The tension in the house was palpable. She glanced at the room upstairs and her heart clenched, as her palms became sweaty. The possibility of what she was going to confront shacked her to her very core.
She ran to the room, but it was closed. She asked Pushkar, to bring the key who was reluctant, but gave it when she stared at him.
She ran into the room, searching for any sign of destruction, knowing Shravan, she expected the room to be a mess, but it was as cleaned as she left it, this morning. She turned around and the sight she met broke something in her.
Shravan was sitting on the floor, his arms around his knees as his lifeless eyes kept staring into nothingness. She knelt down in front of him, a hand clutching the col of her kurta. She wanted to protect him but she didn't know how to do that. How do you bring someone from the darkness, how do you hold their hand and ask them to stay?
"Shravan." She whispered, he kept staring at the ceiling, his eyes dead.
Her hand wavered with fear as she caressed the side of his nape lightly, the movement made him flinch and she withdrew her hand instantly as he turned his face to the other side, letting tears fall. One touch and all his defences came crashing down, he was so vulnerable with her, so exposed. As much as he tried not to break, to stay strong, she didn't let him, like she wanted to be strong for him. She took his face into her hands ever so gently as if he was made of glass and made him look at her. His lips quivered, but he stayed stubborn, he didn't let the tears fall.
"You are going to be fine okay? Sab theek hojayega. I promise you." She whispered and it was all he needed to bare his heart. He rested his forehead against her shoulder, as sobs wrecked his body and she kept caressing his back. He wanted to believe her so badly but this time he had fallen too low and he didn't know if he would ever be able to get through this.
Darkness engulfed him as oxygen left his body.
This is the sound of heartbreak, it's silent.
Chapter 6:
https://www.indiaforums.com/forum/ek-duje-ke-vaaste/4800419/shraman-ff-holding-you-c18-pg-102?pn=26Edited by KitkitMkb - 6 years ago
comment:
p_commentcount