Chapter 4: Opening upIn the wee hours of the morning, the office was drowned in a looming silence. The only audible sound were his footsteps on the floor of marble. He paced down the length of his cabin, trying or rather failing to concentrate on the study of his case. As he started to read more vigorously, his eyes caught the sight of the calendar. The date he had been purposely ignoring, written in old, now taunted him, reminding him of the unstable state of his life.
24th September 2016 Eleven years. Eleven years ago, on this very day, he had lost everything. His mother, his best friend. The two individuals around whom his whole existence turned. But most importantly, he lost himself. As he sees his reflection in the photo frame which held his own photo holding a cup, a careless smile on the face and a mischievous glint in the eyes, he realizes how much he has changed and from a distant point of view, not really. He is the same teenager, afraid of making mistakes, afraid of separation, clumsy at times, he just made the exterior look stronger, created a faade, but he is still the boy, in search of belonging, in search of love.
The day, this date, still affected him. He still has a lump in his throat, when he sees a mother caring for his child. Like she used to, once upon a time. He would still steal glances of the photo, he had conveniently turned around. The only photo, he had kept of his mother and him. He had burned everything else, in a fit of rage, two days after she abandoned him. He remembers, his hands shaking when he had to tear it, he couldn't get himself to do that.
Perhaps because they were smiling and looked content, the only thing that made him believe that his mother had been happy with him, that she loved him. That's what kept him going, all these years, the belief that at one point of time, his love was returned, he wasn't living in an illusion and he hadn't painted a whole world on his own. They did share some memories, he did have a relationship with the woman he claimed to hate.
It didn't hurt him as before, because his attention had been shifted to studies and work, still there was this tiny, nagging voice who would appear, once a blue moon. He liked to imagine what kind of relationship they would be sharing, if she was here with him. What kind of man he would have become, under her care. Would she be proud of him and his achievements? Would she guide him if he made mistakes? Would she stand by him if he screwed?
Sometimes, he found himself wondering if she missed him. He did, as much as he liked to pretend not to he did, a lot. Then a part of him, didn't want to know the answer. He was so afraid to know that she had moved on with his life, that she did not even remember him whereas he was still stuck in his memories.
As always, he was right. His feelings were not reciprocated. She had moved on with her life with his replacement, Aditya. All his fears and insecurities, came flooding back.
"Aur meri, meri kya ghalti thi ?" He had asked her what his fault was. She looked at him, like you look at a stranger, emotionless eyes, nothing. In that moment he knew, that the woman who stood in front of him, was not his mother, he meant nothing to her. He was that mistake you try so hard to erase, but it leaves marks anyways, her little secret, she had left behind. He wasn't even worth trying.
Flashback His phone rang for the second time this morning and he didn't need to check the ID to know who it was. He picked up. The person on the other side, seemed hesitant still searching for the right words, but he stayed put.
"Hello... Shravan beta, ab kaise ho tum?" She asked, her voice unsure.
He almost laughed at the uneasiness of the situation, he could hear it in her voice, how difficult it was for her to talk to him, how disgusted she must be feeling, for she had to use nice words for him.
"Jis cheez ke liye phone kya hai, wo bataye." He asked, his voice cold, measured.
"Shravan, I genuinely want to know how you are doing?" She asked again with a little more authority in her voice.
"Oh really? You are interested?" He laughed at her face, before sighing. The morning turned out to be quite interesting.
"Main jaanti hoon ke Aditya ne jab tumhe kidnap kiya, to tumhe sarr pe jhot lagi. Ab kaise ho tum?"
She asked earnestly, her hand clutching the bed sheet.
"You shouldn't worry about that. Chot khaane ki adaat hogayi hai."He said with a small chuckle. The silence prevailed and he thought that the line went dead but then he heard her sharp intake of breath, like she was struggling with something, struggling to talk to him.
A wry smile took over his features, his own mother couldn't bear talking to him or even hearing his voice.
"Anyways, forget it. We both know that you didn't call for these casualties, so kaam ki baat kare." His walls won't crumble, not today, not in front of her.
"I received the notice you sent me."She admitted.
"You did. Good. I am glad to know that."He smiled genuinely. He might have used his contacts, to get a restraining order for Aditya and he was glad, he did. He couldn't let that douchebag any closer to Sumo and after that night, when he saw her in such a mess. He had vowed to make Aditya pay.
Sure, it was a small price compared to what he had done to Sumo yet it ensured her safety and he would go to any extent for that.
"You do realize, the kind of impact it can have on his life."She asked with her voice measured with anger, he knew she was trying to compose herself, he could recognize the slightly pitched change in her voice, after all he had heard it all his childhood.
"Your son, should have realized that, before making the blunder, he made. You don't go without paying the price of hurting Shravan Malhotra's family. Nop."He said popping the p. The rush of those memories, made his blood boil and his body stiffened. What could have happened that day if he hadn't reached on time.
He couldn't help but think about the part he had played into this whole fiasco. That's why he needed her to feel safe and comfortable with him, it lessened his guilt and at the same time, deepened it in a way that he couldn't see himself into the mirror.
"Shravan, please. Main jaanti hoon usse bohot baari ghalti huwi hai, lekin usse iss baat ka ehsaas hai. He really regrets it." She thought, he would listen to her.
"Ghalti ? That's what you call it? Aapke bete ki ghalti ki wajah se meri biwi raat ko so nahi pati. Darr se uth jati hai. So, no I am not taking it back." He spoke with finality.
"I am amazed that you can see his mistakes but not yours." She had touched a sensible chord. He laid his head back on the seat of the chair, closing his eyes. He knew how much he screwed, it was already difficult to live with the fact, he didn't need to be reminded of it.
"Tumhe blame bhi nahi karsakti, jiske saaye main paale bhare ho, ussi ke jaise bano ge." That was the last blow.
"Sahi kaha aapne, apke saaye main bhara hota, I would turn out to be a rapist as Aditya." His voice was raspy with anger as the words rolled from his tongue.
"Shravan, mind your language!" This was the first time her voice raised since the beginning of the conversation.
"I stop you right there, Mrs Ahuja. You crossed the line." His tone was icy.
"How can you still defend him, after everything ?" He needed to know.
"Because he is my son." He was sure he heard his heart break. He nodded wordlessly, his lips trembling.
"He is not in a good place, right now. All of this really affected him. He really loved her and he couldn't get her, try and understand." Her every word felt like a dagger to his heart.
"Understand ? Aapko aapne bete ki Kitni parwa hai. I might have shed a tear or two." He said his voice laced with sarcasm.
"I knew that you couldn't understand love, how it feels, when you lose the one you love to someone else. I am not surpr-" She couldn't complete what she had to say, as he cut her off.
"I love her. Bachpan se pyaar karta aaya hoon main usse and you dare to say that I don't understand." He gulped the lump that formed in his throat and tried to conceal the tremble in his voice.
"You are talking about pain. Aapko aapne uss bete ki takleef di khaye di lekin main aapko nazar nahi aaya. Soche aapke bete ka to kuch hafton purana pyaar hai, mera to saalon purana hai. Soche mujhe kitni takleef huwi hogi, mere dil ko kya hota hoga, jab wo kisi aur ki dulhan ban kar tayaar horahi thi." He choked a few times but he continued, he needed to get that out of his chest.
"Aur wo koi aur aapka beta tha. He had everything I ever wanted, I ever wished for. He had got my share of love and affection. Wo pyaar jo mera tha. Wo khush tha. Aapni zindagi se mutmaeen tha, aur main aapne aap se jhooj raha tha." He didn't even know when tears welled up in his eyes.
"Pucha tha mene aapse ke kya ghalti thi meri ? What did I do to make you go away? Kya aapki zindagi me meri itni bhi ehmiat nahi hai ke aapne jawab dena zaroori hi nahi samjha." His hands were shaking, now. The prickling sensation in his chest was back.
"Am I a mistake to you?" He whispered, his voice breaking as his vision blurred with more tears.
"I was not even worth an explanation. A last good bye. A word. Aur wapis aayi bhi to mujhse meri sabse queemti cheez cheen ne keliye, meri Sumo." He tried to regulate his breathing, he had been holding all of this since so long.
"I am sorry I didn't know." She muffled a cry with a hand on her mouth, he knew as the words sounded distant.
"Aap jaanti hi kab thi mujhe." He calmed down and wiped his tears, his voice heavy with emotion.
"I was in front of you the whole time you could have tried to reach out to me. But you were too busy counting the tears your son shed and it's okay because that's what a good mother does. She stands up for her child." The silence prevailed once again.
"Shravan you need to forgive and move on, please for yourself. Warna tum kabhi khush nahi reh paoge. Forgive Aditya. Sab bhul jao." She requested.
"No, after everything, you don't get to tell me where to draw the line, you don't get to tell me to forget and move on, because I was there, I was the one hurting and there was no one for me. Don't preach me on how to get over it or how to lead a better life. I am bad, bohot bura hoon main, sirf takleef de sakta hoon aur main kisi ke liye bhi nahi badlon ga." His jaw was tensed as his hands shaked with anger.
"You weren't there when it was all chaos and dark, you decide to come when there is facility when you see the light at the end of the tunnel, because you can't deal with the bad side and that's not love. When you love someone, you deal with every side, every aspect of their personality, you accept the whole of them you don't give up at a drop of a hat."He wanted to yell these words at her but as always silence conquered between them and the words were buried in the tomb of what was left of his heart.
"I have lived 11 years without you, I can surely live the rest of it. I don't need you, not anymore."
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Sumo sat in front of the mirror, combing her hair, she pondered over the happenings of the day.
The morning had been, well eventful to say the least.
She was not having nightmares thanks to this man, she could now claim as hers. She woke up to an interesting position, they were both laying on the small couch, she was on top of Shravan, her face buried in the crook of his neck, she snuggled closer to him and a smile broke on her face as he instinctively tightened his hold on her.
She went back to sleep in no time. When she woke up again, he wasn't there, but had covered her with the quilt and left a lemon glass for her with medicines
What worried her, was the fact that she couldn't remember anything from last night, she wondered how they ended up like that, on the couch. Her cheeks colored at the memory, she could get used to wake up to his warmth.
He walked out of the bathroom, all dressed up ready to go to work. He didn't glance towards her. She slowly got up from her sleeping position and sat down on the couch, cross-legged.
That's when she realized that she was wearing Shravan's clothes, she gasped at the realization. Had she crossed her limits, done or said something she shouldn't have.
As he turned to go, she sprinted out from the couch and shouted his name, making him stop into his tracks. He turned towards her, waiting for her to say something.
"Actually, I can't remember anything from last night. Could you please help me out?" She asked genuinely, her eyes cast down.
"Nothing worth mentioning." He processed to turn
towards the door again when her next question caused him to froze on the spot.
"Did something happened between us ?" She asked, mustering the courage to look at him. It's when he cocked an eyebrow in surprise that she understood the undertones of her innocent question.
"Oh God, I didn't mean that." Her cheeks were colored and she hid herself behind her palms.
He himself shifted, embarrassed.
Did I embarrass you?" She asked fiddling with her thumbs, looking everywhere but at him. She looked nervous and ashamed.
He sighed. He doesn't know what came over him, but he had the urge to ease the tension on her face, so he reached out to her and took her small palms in his large ones."You did not do anything of that sort."
"I did say something, you are not even looking at me." She mumbled under her breath.
He didn't want her to feel ashamed or nervous around him, especially after everything, he had done. He had grown up, admiring her willpower. She had become such a strong woman over the last few years, just thinking about it made his heart soared with pride.
"You said that you missed me." His eyes pierced into hers. When he saw her eyes widening, his hands fell limply to his sides and looked aside.
He was angered by his own desperation. He was the one to push her away, yet dying to know what she thought of him. Of course she didn't mean it. It was just the alcohol's effect. Still he couldn't help but wish, that she did really miss him.
"I do. I do miss you." Her eyes bore into his eyes- he knew she wasn't lying with the way she was looking at him.
"Sumo please don-" He wanted to refute any idea of them growing closer but he was cut off.
"What did you say?" She looked surprisingly shocked and was even smiling.
"Don't?" He asked in confusion.
"Usse pehle?" She yelled, her smile growing.
"Please?" He asked, totally confused.
She was exasperated, now. "Usse bhi pehle."
"Sumo, tumhari problem kya hai?" He realized his slip of tongue. Why couldn't he get a hold his feelings.
"You called me Sumo." She was beaming with joy.
"Nahi toh, woh to aise hi muh se nikal gaya."
He tried to shrug off the thing but Sumo was not someone to let go easily.
"Tum bhi mujhe miss karte ho. Haina?" She titled her head towards him but he avoided eye contact, he knew that if he looked at her, he would be done for.
"Bolo na." She insisted like a child, batting her eyelashes at him.
"I don't have time for this, pehle hi tumhare chakar main late hogaya, itni important meeting hai meri." He huffed in annoyance.
"Shravan aaj... Sunday hai." She said her voice laced with amusement.
"Whatever, har koi vella nahi hota tumhare Tara." He stormed out of the room in annoyance, leaving her laughing at his antics.
"Pagal, kabhi nahi sudrega." She smiled fondly remembering the incident. She wondered where he went this early morning. Her train of thoughts broke when she caught notice of his leather wallet, on the dresser. He might have forgotten it, in haste.
In the back of his wallet there was a rectangular piece of photo, her curiosity was picked. She knew that Shravan had always been someone who had great value of emotions, sure he tried to be nonchalant about it but she knew that deep down, he was very sensible and little things like that mattered a lot to him.
After all, he had kept every thing related to his childhood intact. Even though, he had moved on he still kept his 10 years old love letter, between the pages 27 and 28 of his 12th standard book but then again he had moved on.
She turned the photo and what she saw just made her froze for a good one minute. It was one of their photo. She had one arm around his neck and was looking towards the camera and he, well seemed lost in her.
Even back then she failed to see how much love and care his eyes held for her yet she called herself his best friend. Her eyes watered a bit, all this time he was roaming around with a photo of hers and at the same time claiming to hate her. Who are you Shravan Malhotra ?
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Ramnath Malhotra had been waiting all the day for his son to come home but there was no sign of him. He knew that he preferred to stay alone on this day. Recently, he realized how affected, his son still was. There was a reason why he never pushed the matter. They never talked about it. One in the fear of hurting the other. The other in the process of protecting himself. Shravan had become awfully quiet over the span of few years and he wanted to blame the changes over the fact that he was growing up, becoming a man.
Perhaps, those changes were just the reflection of his inner state. The child in him had met a premature end.
His son passed the threshold of the house, his tie undone, hair disheveled, his eyes bloodshot and a forlorn look on the face. The only time, he had seen him in this state, was the night he had broken every relationship with Suman.
From then, he had been hell bent on destroying his own life. Shravan had reached a point, where bringing him back seemed impossible. He lost him to his hatred, his prejudices. In his ego, he failed to see that he created a monster.
He failed to see what his son was seeking for-peace. Suman was peace to him. The sleep you deserve after a long tiring day. Home. She was home to him. He snatched that from him. He failed as a father.
"Shravan." He called out to him. He stopped in tracks. As he turned towards him, Ramnath was taken aback. He looked like an erupting volcano, ready to burst at any moment.
"Tum theek to ho ? "He asked unsure.
"I don't want to talk about it." He mumbled, turning to go back to his room.
"Shravan we need to tal-" He closed his eyes in frustration as he father held his arm in an attempt to stop him.
"I said NO !" He roared. It was the first time in the 27 years of his existence, that he had raised the voice in front of his father. He had always been the obedient son, the ideal one.
Silence prevailed in the whole house, everyone shocked at the outburst. Almost instantly, as if he had realized his mistake. He looked down, before speaking gently almost whispering.
"Please Papa, not today." His father nodded, understanding, his need for space. He walked out of the living room. Two pairs of eyes following him.
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The tray in her hands slightly wavered as she approached the courtyard. He was sitting against the table on the floor, his eyes closed, his jaw tense.
Exactly like he found her few weeks ago. Her heart broke at the sight. Every action of him made sense now. The way he was avoiding her, since the last few days was his own twisted way of protecting himself. It hurt to know, that she wasn't worth sharing his pain with. That he didn't trust her enough to do so. She left the tray on the table and processed to go.
"Do you still miss her ?" She turned to look at him, not sure if he was talking to her. His eyes were still closed. "Your mother ?" He opened them and looked at her. The look in his eyes did something to her heart. She wanted to erase the distance between them and hug him, sooth him. The distances between the hearts were too much to erase, mere steps wouldn't be enough.
She came and sat next to him. "Everyday." She said with a chuckle. "Somedays, a lot. Especially around Mother's Day. Or the day I got my first salary."
"As a kid, I spent most of the time, in front of my window, waiting for her to come back. She never came and I kept waiting." She never told that to anyone, but around Shravan, she seemed to lose any semblance she ever had.
"Tum itni akeli hogayi thi." He said in a murmur.
"No, I had Nanu and... you. But then you left and-"
"You were lonely again." He finished her sentence. She nodded wordlessly.
They both looked at each other. Their eyes piercing in each other's, conveying all what they needed to know.
"She called me today and asked me to take back the restraining order against Aditya." He took a sharp intake of breath, before continuing.
"She told me to forgive him. To forget everything. To move on." His lips twisted in disgust at the last words.
"Warna main kabhi khush nahi reh paonga." He was fiddling with his fingers as he kept looking forward.
"She is right. I am bad. I am the cause of every mishap of her son's life. Itna ke she asked me to stay away from his happiness. She asked me to stay away from you." She gasped at the revelation as she looked at the defeated man in front her. He looked tortured at the mere mention of being separated from her. Her hand wavered with fear as she took his into hers, giving it a little squeeze
"I wanted to hurt her, but I ended up hurting you. I always end up hurting you." His voice broke at the end of his sentence and the words came out as a mere whisper.
"I don't want to be this person anymore. I am tired" His voice croaked as tears rolled down his cheeks. She shed her own set of tears.
She took his face in her palms, ever so gently.
"You are not. Tum Shravan ho. Mera Chashmich. Sumo ka chashmich. They smiled between tears as she ruffled his hair.
He had the sudden urge to feel her. To be closer to her. He hurled her into his chest and nestled between the crook of his heaven as her arms tightened around him.
How life had turned. The one who had broken him to no extent was the one healing him, the one who left him limping was the one holding him, giving him the sense of safety, the comfort he had longed for. The one who caused his tears to flow was the one to wipe them.
Who are you Sumo ?
As he tried to move away from the crook of her neck she held him back securing her arm around his back.
"Hug hi karna tha to bata dete, itna emotional drama karne ki kya zaroorat thi." She teased him, trying to lighten the atmosphere.
"Shut up Sumo." He said tightening his hold on her.
"Rude much." She chuckled.
"Shravan upar chale mujhe neend aarahi hai ?" He broke the hug and they looked at each other. They were each other's reflection, with red eyes, blotched skins but heart at peace.
"Chalo." They went to their safe heaven, holding hands. The road was long, trampling, there will be heartbreaks, they will fall many times, but they weren't scared anymore. They have each other.
Their love is the kind of love where you know you are about fall, despite everything you go ahead and take the plunge in the hope that the other will be there to save you from drowning.
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Thoughts ?
Chapter 5:
https://www.indiaforums.com/forum/ek-duje-ke-vaaste/4800419/shraman-ff-holding-you-c18-pg-102?pn=22Edited by KitkitMkb - 6 years ago
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