Mother of the Bride, Gives Her Away in a Hindu Wedding and Cries
Generally a Hindu wedding is ceremonial affair in which the parents of the bride give her away to the groom and his family amidst chanting of ceremonial Sanskrit hymns. The ceremony is complete when the bride and groom go around the sacred fire, again with the chanting of the Sanskrit hymn. The latter ceremony detaches the bride from the family of her birth and firmly attaches her to her new acquired family. This is a traditional wedding. This process and its variation are followed for thousands and thousands of weddings, which take place during the wedding season in India and elsewhere.
The author witnessed one such wedding in New Delhi, India recently and was delighted to see the tradition continuing. The author had not been to India to witness a wedding in 40 years, but the process, procedure; the ceremony is practically same as he went through it some 35 years back.
As then and even today, the hardest thing of the whole wedding ceremony is the emotional pain the bride's parents suffer, especially the mother of the bride, when she lets her dear daughter go. She cannot control her tears. For her, the whole world at that moment consist of the sweet memories of her daughter growing up, falling in love and finally departing for her new home. She wishes that all these ceremonies took a bit longer so that she has an extra moment or two with her child. She does everything to slow the process down, knowing fully well that ultimately the daughter is going to leave. But she tries hard. Emotional bonds are too strong to be broken by the chanting of any amount of hymn or cajoling by the relatives. The dear daughter knows this entire process well. She does not wish leave either, but tradition says, it is going to happen and she is part of it. The fathers are a bit more practical. They stand aside. Although, they love their daughter as much as the mother yet they wish to complete the ceremony as quickly as possible.
Every Girl's Dreams
Every girl, all over world, starts fantasizing about her wedding as early as she turns five. She watches other girls in the family or in the neighborhood get married and she puts herself in their shoes. Rest of the childhood years until she is ready to be married herself, are spent planning her own wedding. This fantasy is part of the growing up process. To do well in school, to be friend of everybody within the friends & family and finally picking up a career as a housewife or an executive is all for one purpose – some day a prince charming will arrive and she will accompany him into the fantasy land. On her wedding day she wishes to be looked, the very best. Parents spare no expense within their pocket book to meet their daughter's desire. As the wedding day is set, the finery is assembled, friends and family are informed and preparations for the event begin.
Similar preparations also take place at the groom's house. They wish to outdo the bride's family in preparing well. Made to measure finery work is undertaken in earnest. More so on the bride's side than on the groom side. In Indian Hindu weddings, much of the ceremonies are undertaken at the girl's house, hence the girl's side makes most of the preparations. The boy's family also wishes to indulge in acquisition of fine clothes, jewelry for their incoming daughter in law. Hence a visit is arranged for the bride to be, to visit a suitable shopping district with a family member or a friend, where she will be met by the grooms parents and family and made to measure cloths, jewelry and other items are selected. This wedding, which the author attended, followed this beaten path and the bride to be with her big sister met the waiting groom's family at a major South Delhi, bridal shopping district. Very shy looks were exchanged with the perspective groom and his family and the shopping spree began. Repeatedly the groom and bride to be, exchange admiring looks. Not a word is spoken, but mere looks transferred, girl's heart full to the groom. Groom's parents watched all this from the corner of their eyes. They were at their best behavior; least they give a poor impression to the incoming bride.
Soon, clothes are selected; the prospective bride offers very little opinion. She just acquiesce the family's choice with gentle nod. Suddenly everybody gets hungry, although they ate just before the shopping spree began, but this is groom's family's first opportunity to dine with the incoming bride. They do not wish to miss this opportunity. Best food is ordered and the rush is on to occupy a place next to the bride on the dinning table. The groom dejectedly finds the last chair left on the table. He has rest of the life sit next to her. Today the family comes first.
With all shopping complete, drivers are sent for via the cell phone and the girl departs with a gentle thank you and good-bye. Then the boy's family finds their car. Not a word is spoken until everybody reaches home. Everybody sort of overjoyed. They saw their perspective daughter in law from a close quarter. Everybody keeps his impression to himself or herself and gets busy with the task of managing wedding arrangements.
Wedding Day and the Groom's Parents
On the auspicious day, set by the astrologers, the wedding party on the groom side started to assemble. Preparation for this day had begun, months earlier. A suitable five star hotel near their residence was selected. Friends, relatives and acquaintances started to arrive a day or two prior to the wedding day. They were put up, during the duration of the wedding (four days), in this five star hotel. Some of the friends arrived from US and Canada. Groom's parents have lived in US for the past 40 years and the groom is also born in US, hence a big bunch of friends arrived from there too. This together with local friends and relatives arriving from different part of India swelled the ranks of the wedding party. This needed larger than life arrangements in this big hotel. A full, fourth floor was booked to house the party. A banquet hall was reserved to dine, meet others and hold some wedding ceremonies.
Special in this big bunch of friends and relatives was a host of friends who have come to grace the occasion from USA. This special bunch had to be looked after well. Other relatives were also treated with proper protocol befitting their relation to the groom's family. Some of these relatives, in India had not seen the host family in years. Hence this was the time to exchange pleasantries and stories of their well-being. Arriving guests at the hotel had to be met for their proper registration and other arrangements. Hence the groom's family needed a protocol officer to lighten up their workload. In addition petty needs of all guests including arrangements for their local transportation, their site seeing, their special menus and other desire had to be met with no expense spared. The author seeing the groom's family stressed out with work and wedding arrangements offered to help as the protocol officer. From now onwards the host family did not have to bother about similar small issues. The author had taken charge of the guest services.
How are things at the Bride's House?
The bride's party arrived in Delhi from Shimla a day or two earlier than the wedding day and housed themselves at one of the famed Farm Houses. These are especially built for weddings. Its well-manicured lawns, an imposing brick and mortar structure gives it a festive look. The family uses the house to stay and the lawns to welcome the wedding party as it arrives. Since they are outsiders to Delhi, I dare to guess that they were having tough time trying to make all the local arrangements. The situation was further aggravated when father of the bride was suddenly taken ill in Shimla. Stress played its part. The illness was temporary but it made the father miss his daughter's wedding.
Ceremonial Wedding Invitation Arrives from the Bride Side
It was a typical Himachal wedding; hence a ceremonial wedding invitation (Lakhnoti) arrived at the groom's hotel in the hands of two priests (one representing the groom side and the other representing the bride side). Ceremonial sweets are exchanged followed by the reading of the invitation letter from the bride's parents. It, among other pleasantries requested the groom and his family to come and wed their daughter at the mentioned time and date. The invitation was read loud and all grooms' wedding party members listened. With this letter all arrangements were sealed. Groom's father let everybody know the time the wedding party will depart from the Hotel. Everybody was expected to be there to board the waiting buses.
Meanwhile the wedding party of about 150 strong was having a merry time at the Hotel. Local friends and family joined in to swell their ranks further. Food, drinks and entertainment were in plenty. Special entertainment groups with pretty dancers, famous quawals and folk song singers were hired to keep the party entertained and amused. Daytime tourist excursions were provided at the groom's expense by way of chauffer driven cars. Everybody seemed to be pleased. Morning breakfast conversation in the cafeteria centered on exotic places they visited or relatives seen or shopping spree undertaken. The groom's parents were pleased that everybody was having a great time. This is how they planned it.
Why does the Groom Rides a Horse (Mare) to the Bride's Place
Riding a mare to the bride's house is an ancient custom. It is not difficult to figure out, why it is so. I believe that in good old days, finely decked groom would have difficulty reaching the bride's place, if he walked. Transportation prior to the twentieth century was limited to a horse or a mule or a palanquin. To put his best foot forward, the groom is dressed appropriately and ties a turban. He further decks himself with a gold crown (not real gold, these days fake gold strips are used). Riding a mare instead of horse is considered auspicious. Loud music band leads the way, followed by the groom on the mare and then the rest of the wedding party. These days fireworks and dance make a noisy entry into the bride's home. This custom has stuck from the good old days. Every groom wishes it like this and every brides, wishes that her prince charming arrived in this manner. Today, we may be in twenty-first century with motorcars and cell phones, but riding mare is still an unbroken custom. I do not believe it is ever going to change.
The bride's relatives usually greet the wedding party at the entrance to the premises and exchange presents (Milni). The groom during the Milni, is still on the mare. This wedding party was also greeted in the similar manner. Once this process was completed, the groom was helped down the horse. He proceeded towards the door where the bride's mother (the most important person in the wedding) greeted him. She led him inside to the four-poled Mandap. Bride's mother at the door and her approving the match is an age-old custom. Today, boys and girl meet and fall in love, before they are married. In good old days, it was probable that the bride's mother had never met the groom. During this ceremony she sees him for the first time. Until she approves, the groom awaits at the door. Our groom had no such hitch. The mother lovingly approved the groom. He was led inside the house.
All things verified and pleasantries and gifts exchanged the groom's party settles for refreshments. Inside, the bride and groom get busy with garland ceremony. Again this is custom from the good old days dating back to the God Ram's wedding to Sita. Garlanding signifies that the bride is in agreement to marry this groom and vice versa. No time is wasted and the priests get busy, chanting the Sanskrit Hymn, they begin the business of marrying the bride to the groom with a host of relatives watching. I did not wish to miss any part of it; hence I joined others of the groom's family to watch the ceremony. Rest of the wedding party finished their feast in the outside spacious lawns and later returned to the Hotel. I wanted to sit through the wedding proceedings. My boys are ready to be married; I got to know the whole process, hence I stayed. There was another reason. The bride and her family come from Shimla, my hometown. There was an opportunity to meet a few of old acquaintances, which I have not seen in forty years. I know three close relatives of the bride and I wished to renew the acquaintances. Meeting them will be reminiscent to good old days of high school in Shimla. The youngest of the three was in the same engineering college as I was in Chandigarh. I wished to see them. After a bit of a search, I found them. They were delighted to see me. Very soon, the word spread amongst the bride's relative that I am so & so and son of so & so. A few people, who could remember me, came to shake hands with me. Old acquaintances were renewed. Good old time was remembered. Suddenly, I found two old ladies eyeing me from the corner of their eyes. I knew that they some how know me. As it turned out, one of them was the wife of the friend I just met. Fifty years back, as a schoolboy I had attended her wedding.
A young lady, a pretty one, came and sat next to me on the make shift bench I was occupying. She was decked in bridal finery. It was not difficult to guess that she had gone through the wedding experience recently. I could not resist asking her and she said that she was married last December. Later, she identified her father and mother in the crowd. I could not recollect who they were. When she mentioned that she comes from the Kuthiala clan, now bells started to ring in my mind, perhaps I know them. Our conversation had not finished yet, when I noticed all the women in the bride's family are very attentively listening to this conversation. I immediately broke off the conversation. To my utter surprise the groom's father was also listening. He motioned towards the video camera and said that all our conversation has been recorded. Later I had to persuade the video person to edit it out.
Chanting of the Sanskrit hymn ended at eleven o'clock. The wedding process was now complete including going around the sacred fire. It was time to prepare the bride to leave with the groom to her new home. I thought to myself that all of us would be back at the Hotel in an hour.
Not true!!!
This is the time when the bride's mother realizes that her child is about to depart to her new home. She now begins the emotional part where a mother parts company with her daughter. It is an emotional affair.
Daughter is married and Mother cries for extra moments with her Child
Very little is said as wedding ceremony is completed. A hush silence descends as the priests wind up their affects. The silence is occasionally punctuated with a folk song or two by the old ladies. The groom and rest of the wedding party are expectantly waiting to be sent home. Outside the music band is eagerly awaiting to sound the last post. But, wait a bit. The mother of the bride is not ready to let her go, as yet.
Mother lovingly feeds her baby and the new son in law. A crowd of women gathers around them, singing all kinds of folk songs to lighten up the emotions. Last minute, word of advice is given. All this conversation never seemed to end. Suddenly the mother remembers that the return journey of the wedding party may be too long. Her daughter and the son in law may get thirsty, hence a water pitcher is brought in and they each have a glass of water. They did not need it. The return journey was only 30 minutes long; they are unlikely to get thirsty in this short period. But, these are mother's delaying tactics to have few more moments with her baby.
Time to take the bride and the groom to the waiting flower decked car has come and gone. It is already 1 O'clock in the morning. It has taken two hours for the mother to say good-bye to her daughter.
Are we done, Should the musicians begin their last song? I asked
Not yet!!!
Other member's of the family have not said good-bye. It is now their turn.
One by one, they embrace the bride and offer words of encouragement and advice. Two other sisters, both senior to the bride say their good-bye. Tears are flowing down their cheeks. They are having trouble parting company. I suppose it is difficult for even the married sisters to say good-bye, although they know the process well. I looked around and saw tears in everybody's eyes. The mood has changed from happiness and celebration to a bit of free flow of emotions. Cries could be heard as the last steps towards the door are taken. Musicians outside get busy. They smartly help to drown out the loud cries. The bride's uncle says good-bye. He is officiating as the bride's guardian in the absence of her father. The latter is sick in the hospital.
The bride boards the flower-decked car. In good old days a palanquin with four family members carried the bride out of the premises. Time has changed, now the cars have become the palanquins. As we quickly boarded the waiting last bus, I looked at the watch. It is already 2.00AM. I looked back at the bride's house. All the members of the bride's family are slowly returning inside. For an hour or two they will talk about their loving daughter, the wedding, the wedding party, the groom (son in law) and tomorrow's winding down of this wedding operation. Tonight everybody wishes to rest a bit except the bride's mother. She is waiting for the phone call from groom's side about the safe arrival of the party at the Hotel. She now is going to catch a few winks of sleep.
At the groom's house, everybody is fast sleep as the official return time of 10.00PM has been overshot by four hours. The bride is ceremonially taken out of the car. No priests were present; no Sanskrit hymn is said. Even the priests are asleep. Bride is lead to the waiting grandmother's room. She is blessed for eternal happiness and prosperity. A minor game of "Guna" is played to introduce bride to the immediate relatives who are still awake. Everybody in the returning party is sleepy and looking forward to retire. I personally, ran to my room and took notes on the wedding. I need them. I have two grown up boys to be married soon.
I dare say that this is a typical Hindu wedding. Daughters do leave home as brides. Parents of the bride, especially the mother has tough time parting company with her child. Fathers are a bit braver. They maintain their composure.
In short, this wedding from the groom's perspective was a big party. For the bride it is the enduring relationship, she is going to build with her husband and rest of the family.
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