Swaron Os - Ripped

Lost!..Thats the word which defines me right now. Everything seems to be blurr ahead of me. I feel unsure about my own self. Actually I am not sure about anything and I think I am complicating my life even more than it already is by thinking about it all the time; by thinking about her all the time or rather thinking about us all the time.

Its just a phase , I remind myself for the upteenth time. A normal,passing phase which almost every individual goes through in his life at some point of time.Normal? I am not really sure about that.

A passing phase? Really? And did I even want it to be called one in the first place? Even now?Even after she ripped my soul yet another time?

My mind seems so contradicting right now. Just a moment back I was pacifying myself by calling it all a phase and now I realize I don't want it to be one. Sigh!.

Why does she still have that control over me and my mind? Why do I still give her that authority to bring all those feelings up to the brim when in reality I thought I am going to end them? Wasn't that the reason for the fateful destiny of our relationship?

"Sharon Rai Prakash, I am breaking up with you".

My own words stung me hard. Why is it killing to be reminded of her broken frame and endless pleading ? Why even now ,when she broke everything inside me in a moment by denying our relationship publicly and making me look like a pathetic,desperate stalker in front of everyone?By insulting every bit of my soul which had only loved her. Had I been dreaming all this while? Everything that seemed like a fairytale until now, was it all a lie? Was it an illusion when she finally broke all the barriers between us, when she said that she loved me too? Didn't all those moments we spent with each other mean anything?

What do I trust on? Her curt denial or those tears of repentance that followed after it probably struck her what her so called reflex had done to both of us...,if she did repent that is.

Shouldn't I be despising her right now?Then why do I always end up doing the exact reverse of what I should be doing?Why am I letting her influence my life so much? Why is she always the motive behind every action of mine?

The sane part of me told me that this is right for us, for me.I can't let her scar me more.She has torn me apart and I definitely don't deserve a stubborn, ruthless ,impulsive control freak who didn't think once before smashing my soul every single time, right? But this part is as big as an atom in a molecule.

The truth was crystal clear. I couldn't help but miss her.Even when my anger was at its peak ,I couldn't bring myself to hate her. Hell , I couldnt stand my own words against her.My heart still wants to take her side.I should move on, it's high time I do that and I know that but the question is, can I? Will I really be able to let go of the person who makes me? Will I be able to move on over that girl who occupies not just the largest part of my heart; but my entire freaking heart?

Is it possible to live without your own soul? Leaving her will be like screwing my own ecstasy; my own bliss... The nastiest and the most fearsome thing about letting go is that dreadful thought, that if I let go of her will she care enough to stitch it back?

I want to walk away from her,from those memories which make my heart bleed,which makes me restless, weak and vulnerable. But whom am I kidding? The fact remains that I still love her insanely with all that I have. I still adore her to an intensity ,the depth of which even I can never fathom. Its not what I feel for her, its something I never felt for anyone else in the world, not even for myself. My heart skips a beat the moment it witnesses her mere sight. She means the world to me or the universe if it signifies a larger number or amount... She matters a lot more than she should and a lot more than I ever expected her to mean to me.

It took less than a minute for me to fall for her,but its going to take a lifetime for me to let her go, to move on, to free my soul which is now entangled with hers.

I don't know what destiny would bring our way ,but even now,after all this my poor soul hopes that we'd cross each other's paths someday weaving a better tomorrow, together .

Yeah, it can never be a passing phase, because she still rules my ripped heart and always will.