||SwaRon OneShot: Thin Ice||

I glanced at the clock, it struck nine. He would be home any minute now. But that's just a thing to say because I wasn't waiting for him really or at least that is what I liked to believe.

The doorbell rang and I almost immediately got up to open the door for him, even though I know it doesn't matter in any way now.

He stood at the door, his tie hanging loosely around his neck, his shirt still looking as crisp as it had when he left yesterday evening. His lips curved into a smile, the one which doesn't reach his eyes and he hugs me and I hold on to him tightly. Maybe because I know real or not its days are numbered.

*****************

Breaking the hug he said "I missed you." I know he's lying.

"I missed you too!"

"Work is sucking the shit out of me!" He said breaking the silence over dinner. I wished it really to had been the work but I knew it wasn't. It was her.

The woman with whom he had been since yesterday's evening. The woman whom he was seeing outside our marriage. His girlfriend. No, that's not the word. When a married man start to see someone else outside marriage, the woman is not called a girlfriend. She becomes mistress.

******************

He was kissing my lips, his tongue exploring my mouth. I could feel his saliva as I kissed his lower lip. Rolling him over I get on to his chest, kissing every inch, sucking his skin, he tries to dominate me but I don't let him. Not today. Not when I could smell her on his body. Not when I am imagining him f**king her on her bed. Not when I know that he had exactly done that and it's not just my imagination. We weren't making love. We had sex. Just grunts and groans and I let him use me the way he wants me, hoping in heart that he wants me more at least in this way. That at least it would be enough to keep him from leaving me. But in my head I know it isn't.

****************

He slept soundly beside me. He looked handsome like he always had. I suddenly had the urge to run my hands in his hairs, it was one of my favorite things associated with him. My smile went grim as I thought about his favorite thing associated with me.

"You know I love to watch you sleep. You look nothing less than an angel when you sleep." He had said once when I had woke up to find him watching me. I thought I would explode with his warmth of love. But that was a long time ago. Two years ago .When everything was perfect between us. When we both were happy for each other, with each other when we both didn't have to look for solace in something else or someone else, in his case. Nothing would have changed if I hadn't felt so helpless, so worthless. Nothing would have changed if I could just be a mother.

***************

I was crying as I unfilled the glass of beer. An empty bottle of beer was already lying beside me rolling on its own with the wind. I took hold of another one and watched it as my heart went dizzy. I knew I should stop. I knew that if I don't stop now I wouldn't be in my sane mind tomorrow and it would piss him off, again. I know I should but I also know I wouldn't. I wouldn't even though I care about him. Even though I know he hates my drinking habit. I took the lid off and drink from the bottle itself hoping I wouldn't waste myself but I know I would and that makes me cry. I cry thinking about my miserable self. I cry thinking about him having an affair, I cry thinking about my friends who holding their own toddlers on hips ask me about my turn. I cry and cry and cry till I simply pass out.

*******************

When I woke up I found myself in my bed. I moved my gaze around and found him standing across the bed in front of me. His eyes feeling sorry for me, his face concerned about me. He is disappointed and frustrated with me I know.

"Honestly, I really want to help you. I want to be with you but you know what my patience is running out. I really don't know how to handle this . . . Because I don't understand why you are doing this to yourself, to me, to us when you know it's ruining everything between this. . . And you know what else I don't understand. . . I don't understand when you became this weak." He said letting out a heavy sigh followed by the sound of closing door.

I knew I would get a message later in the day saying he would be late in office. Only that he would go to her.

***************

He wasn't really wrong. I wasn't this weak. I was strong, happy, lively. I don't remember where I lost myself or when I lost myself. I have no memory of losing myself.

He had tried to support me.

"We are good even without a child. We both are happy with each other and that is all that matters." He had said it innumerous times. But I just couldn't convince myself. Neither then nor now. I wanted more. I didn't want to flinch looking at women with baby bumps, I didn't want to run away looking at kids and mothers playing with each other but I did. I did everything to escape but nothing helped. Not even his comforting arms. And then I started to lose myself into drinking and I started to run away from everyone. He tried to rescue me, he tried to bring me out of the darkness but it didn't help either of us, it only worsened our already worse situation. I embarrassed him in parties, I humiliated him, I said terrible things to him during fights. He always had a low tolerance level and yet he tried hard but his patience with me was giving away and it was during then almost a year ago that he started to come home late. I thought he was just trying to avoid me, avoid the clashes between us but then one day accidently I read his e-mail in his sent folder.

Every word of that mail had stabbed my heart. I should have cried but I hadn't instead I drank in the nearby pub till I passed out. He had brought me home and didn't say a word to me. I wish he had because maybe then I would have gauged courage to ask him about her.

***************

I packed my things in the suitcase. There were no tears in my eyes but an acute pain in my heart and a large lump in my throat. He was standing behind me, watching me intently.

I had seen them together. Kissing.

I had gone to have drink in the pub. I was drunk but I wasn't that drunk that I would misjudge my husband's face, misjudge his passion. I always knew he was having an affair, I knew he was sleeping with her but when I saw it right in front of my face I became numb. I felt all the muscles in my body contracting, I wished to shrink, I wanted to run away, I wanted to run away to a place where I would have no memory of this moment. I wished to get up but I just couldn't. And then that happened which I wished hadn't occurred. He saw me, watching him, watching them and then there was no going back. I couldn't breathe. I felt I would explode and I ran off.

I heard him call my name but I never turned back.

I locked the suitcase as a tear finally fell out of my eyes. I sensed him move behind me and I wiped that tear off before he could see it. I didn't know what I was feeling homsetly. This was that inevitable about which I had always known, yet it hurt so bad. I didn't know where I would go from here. Heck, I didn't even know if I wanted to do whatever I was doing.

I couldn't just be with him after seeing everything from my own eyes but I knew I would stop if he asks me to even once.

He didn't.

I turned to face him. His expression was of sorry. Not for me, but for us. For our situation.

"I did love you." He said.

He was right. He did.

"I am sorry." I know he is lying, again, but I go on with him this time.

"I know you are" I said meeting his eyes.