Posted:
Love is just mere four letter words syllable to me; it's a feeling, which is alien to me. Neither I am capable giving love or receiving. This thing I had accepted way long back.
*
I am here, sitting in my green room waiting for mine and Rey's performance, an uneasy feeling creeping around me. I should focus on my dance, but no all my thoughts are right now channeled in one direction-Swayam Shekhawat, the name I dare take. But I like the way his name rolls over my tongue, He belongs to the group weakling, yeah, that very same weakling whom I used to loathe, but now, I've have surpassed that phase, dazzlers and weaklings have now come to a common ground, we don't hate each other. I can't control but fel the uncanny felings arising inside me, as my thoughts are running back to him, Swayam the weakling, whom I feel is the real dazzler. Sometimes I wonder he's from some other world, other planet, because people like him are rare to find in today's world. He is one of his kinds. Truth to be told I have always admired his guts, he is the single person in the whole world or I can say on planet, which has ever dared to look into my eyes and caught me off-guard. Sometimes, I feel he can look into my deep, dark soul and unleash the real me. With him around me, I feel naked, but still comfortable.
*
I am a very private person; I go long way to protect myself and if that means hurting someone else, I will not give a second thought to it, call me selfish, insensitive, arrogant bitch, I don't care, in fact I am all that mentioned above. I have always protected myself from anything which involves emotions, but this guy, he had very smoothly ripped the covers which kept me safe and guarded, he had always managed to bring out all sorts of emotions in me, especially feeling of being loved.
He makes me hope, hope for more.
My thoughts are scattered right now, in morning, I heard from boys that he is going to propose me; this scared the living shit out of me. The news came as big blow, I wasn't prepared for this, still am not. So, I did what I have been doing before, once again I have broken his heart. And he very gracefully accepted my decision, he didn't complain once. I did. What I wanted to do, I should feel relaxed, but I am not, there's an uneasy feelings going on inside me. This was what I want but for some unknown reason, I doubt my decision now. His agony face, when i voiced my thoughts to him, still not leaves my memory. He understood my discomfort and went away without saying anything, how does he do that? I will never ever understand.
I am struggling with my inner turmoil, he had kept on hinting me about his feelings, from long time, but how to make him understand, I am not alone, with me there's a whole baggage - My complications. Which will never let me live in peace. And he won't be happy dealing with it. I am nothing but a mess.
*
Today I have once again, proved that I am incapable of giving or receiving love.
The End.
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