Swaron SS : Unrequited Love - completed - Page 12

I was firmly rooted; legs became heavy, my whole body weight was now flooded in my legs. It anchored me at the door of our bedroom. I waited and I waited for long to see her taking the first step, she was stubborn she didn't move, she was in her own world with a diary, something precious than me. Despite her best friend, I didn't know she has a habit of writing a diary.

I was numb when I heard those lines from her. I know she loves me, in fact, I just realized that in the cafe but hearing it from the person was so different. I stood there for more than one minute. When I know she was not going to move I forced my legs from there, not towards she, just away from her, I have to talk to her but before that I need to know what I want, I want to set my priorities. Always Sharon helped me in those difficult situations now I need something else to rely upon, I went towards my studio I need to dance.

"If you could use dance for clearing your frustration, then why did you use Sharon last night."

Someone told me from the back of my head, he managed to slap right across my face, I frowned. Why has he to be right every time? I hated to admit it. He always took Sharon's side, but he never went wrong. Everything he said was right. Even I was not sure why did I use Sharon for controlling my hurt. I flinched at the thought of using her.

"If you are feeling this low then how would have she felt about it."

Here we go again. My subconscious was eating me up. I wished the earth could swallow me fully. I don't want to face anything.

"That will prove you as a loser."

Haa I was a loser who didn't even have any idea about what was happening in his life. I felt like a mess...I was the most complicated mess... I admit I was wrong.. Nevertheless, my intentions were not wrong.

After he heard me, he went to hibernation, didn't talk at all and I was more than happy for that...

I put one CD in the player and I danced, my passion... one thing that connected Sharon and me, we were the dancing couple in our college. I danced until I couldn't move even a bit, I felt sore; my muscles were tightening against my flesh. My whole body was red. I was sweating, my t-shirt was dripping wet. Sweat drops were falling from my head that trickled through my forehead and my eyes and then it went through my cheeks, my neck and then disappeared inside my t-shirt. I felt cold. My veins were numb. My head was numb. I couldn't see anything. All I could see was Sharon's smiling face, she was laughing inside my head. That broke one smile on my face. I smiled after hours, I felt peace.

I took off my t-shirt and lay on that floor. It was cold and I needed that, the songs were continuously playing in the stereo I didn't mind to turn off that, that were Sharon favorites numbers and mine too. I laid there with closed eyes; though my eyes were closed, I could see Sharon, her smiling face.

I don't know how much time has passed, when I heard the door being locked, I went to downstairs and Sharon was going for work. First, I thought to read her diary but I was scared, what if she doesn't like it. Still I made my mind, just try it, I went to our bedroom and took a long cold shower after that I searched the whole room, in closet, in the cupboards, everywhere, for her diary, but I couldn't find it. She has hid that, I felt angry on myself, with a heavy heart, I sat on the same place where Sharon was sitting some minutes ago. Suddenly something fell down from the top of the cupboard, I reached near that in a wind speed and took that in my hand. That was a photo of Sharon and me. My eyes went to the top of the cupboard, there was a box, I remembered once Sharon has warned me to not to check the box, and after that I almost forgot about it. A sudden urge crept inside me to look inside of that, very carefully I took that and placed on my bed. My body was shivering when I saw her diary inside it. I took that out and opened it with trembling hands.

When I saw the first page I smiled for the third time in this morning, "SWARON" that word has a life its own, and I loved to hear those six letters together. With a trembling hand, I turned the pages but I did not get the courage to read any lines so I didn't. However, I noticed those three words again. I smiled. After that, I closed that without reading it, but there was a line in the last page, which made me feel sick. She has written our whole life in just one line.

"Once he was my personal diary and now he is only a part of it"

I just put everything inside the box and placed in its place. I didn't know what to feel. I just slide down through the cup broad and sat on the floor.

I never treated or imagined Sharon in the place of my love, or wife. She was my best friend. A friend to whom I can always run to, she always helped me with anything, and she never said no to me, she was always there when I needed her, but I was not. I was a failure, I failed as a friend. She has been struggling throughout these years and I didn't even look at her.

I did, I was there when she could find comfort in someone else's shoulders, but I was not there when she needed me the most when only I can give what she wanted.

I never tried to read her mind; I didn't think she had feelings for me. When I fell in love with jia it was sharon who helped me, she helped me to propose her, but I know sharon never liked jia. They both were like enemies. I was so confused why Sharon doesn't like her, once Rey had told me that Sharon was jealous of jia and I have blasted at him, she would never do that. However, now I think I was wrong and he was right. Sharon was jealous like every girl. I smiled at the memory. When our parents told us about their wish to see us married, I tried a lot to stop that. That was not because of my love for jia that was because I knew I would not able to love Sharon, and her life would be spoiled, I didn't want to be the reason behind Sharon's tears, but I have had already become.

It was not as if I was cheating on Sharon, I did everything for her, when she became my wife I supplied with everything she needs, shelter, clothes, foods, and every single thing. I know I didn't love Sharon, but that doesn't mean that I can't, I did love her but as a best friend. When our parents told us about our marriage. She was not happy even I was not. However, I had my own reasons. When I talked to her, she gave me her reason and that was my love for jia. At that time, I know she was right, but I was not a person who will double date. In addition, I couldn't see our parents sad; I had to give up my dream to fulfill our parent's so I did what I felt as right. I wouldn't stand if someone raise his or her fingers at Sharon. She would be blamed if someone gets to know about my relationship with jia. So I did what I had to do. I broke up with jia. Yes, that was right. The best decision I took in my life. I couldn't tell to Sharon that I had broken up, I was sure she would blame her for that.

Then after our marriage, I tried a lot to forget jia and I was successful in that, I know I had to move on with Sharon, but I didn't know what she wanted. As far as I know Sharon never loved me, I was her best friend. The lack of communication spoiled everything. I know I was at fault I should have talked to her. However, I did not. I spoiled everything.

Few days ago, for the first time after our marriage, I got a call from jia and I was tensed. Then we decided to meet. She knows about my marriage with Sharon. When I told her about break up she behaved very differently. I thought she would slap me, scream at me and all but, she said she understands and then she went away. Far away from our life.

Yesterday I went to meet jia and that turned everything upside down. I saw something which changed everything, I was hurt, but very weirdly I was happy. I was happy because at least one thing I did, turn out as right. I was hurt beyond limits. I went to a club and drank as much as my body could handle, but that didn't reduce my pain, I again drank since I went numb to react. When I came back sharon was in the bedroom I didn't know what come to me suddenly, I felt a need to make her mine, I couldn't afford to lose one more person, I made love to Sharon but in between, I saw jia in her place, I didn't know how I took her name. Nevertheless, it was today morning that, I realized I did a mistake, a huge mistake. I was not ashamed to accept my mistake, nor I will run away from it. I don't regret what I had done, but I do regret taking jia's name at a moment like that.

The voice from my phone snapped me out of my thought. When I checked it, Jia's name was flashing on the screen. I felt anger build inside me, how she dare to play with me. I felt sick.

Then I cried. I cried hard. I had never cried like this in my life. I never came across with something that could make me feel like this. I could not control my tears. I didn't know the exact reason, couldn't understand what made me feel worse, was that the thought of jia was playing with me, or was that what I did to sharon last night, or the new things that opened my eyes today, sharon loved me since she doesn't even have an idea about what love is. I felt like a waste. How could I do that to a girl who loved me since she was in the kinder garden? That thought made everything worse, it proved me as a bad friend. I have been so proud of being her friend; still I couldn't see the love in those eyes.

When I opened my eyes I was on the floor, I might have fallen asleep on the floor; it was five in the evening. I have managed to sleep a lot. Then I made my way to the washroom, I saw a different person in the mirror, his eyes were puffy, weakness was running through every vein. I splashed cold water on my face and wiped it with a towel. Then I came to the living area and sat on the couch waiting for Sharon. Today I need to talk to her, so many things to get clear. I need to clear the mess.

After some time, Sharon came to the living room after her work. She was exhausted I could tell that from her posture. Something charged me, I got the courage to move, my legs moved towards her without my own knowledge. Like an attraction, she also moved towards me. We came face to face. Then I did something that I was not thinking to do. I pulled her towards me; she was not expecting that she came to me crashing into my chest. Before I could control I fell on the couch with a force that Sharon ended on top of me.

I was hurt, a kind of unpleasant feeling ran through me when she tried to move away. She was struggling to get rid of my hold, but I tightened it. I was enjoying her soft touch on my body. Her hair was completely on my face. I grinned to myself. She stopped her struggling when I told her to stay; I wanted to hold her close to me to heal the wounds. When I felt that she has fallen asleep I took her to the bedroom and made her lay on the bed and then I hopped on the bed and lay beside Sharon a little too close than I usually do. Eventually, I fell asleep with a small smile.

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