"yeah I knew you had gone out with your friends , but I didn't know you had gone out dancing with them..." I couldn't help but show a flash of hurt through my face... as much as I never wanted Sharon to know or for that matter even take the hint , that it mattered ... she mattered and I still love her...
Whom was I trying to fool??? She already knows that I love her way beyond imagination , and even if that was for a moment , I had felt at some point or the other that she knew it was my weakness... But this weakness of mine never let me convince myself that I lack strength...
I hadn't realized when the guys had left and when Sharon had probably said something to me , but all I could do was to turn and leave... because if I wouldn't have left , she would have seen me broken right there , for a reason not known...
Late night , when my friends and she probably had gone out to party for the success of our event , I had quietly sneaked out without anyone noticing me... Sitting on the rock of the beach and staring out at the night sky I suddenly felt everything coming back to me like a boomerang...
I remembered , how Sharon and I had broken up this time... I couldn't make her believe , that I did take a stand for her in front of my family... when she had called me a loser in front of my friends , I didn't know how to react... even I felt the same... but her reason of thinking me to be loser was different from mine... she thought I was a loser because I didn't have the guts to speak in front of my family and respect her... and I thought myself as a loser because I couldn't make myself worthy of that trust of a girl whom I had claimed to love since for ever ...
I don't even remember , what I had when Sharon had shouted on my face saying that I wanted her in my life , because of her modern and independent outlook... I could feel all my nerves go numb ... Did Sharon really find me this shallow??? That girl made me who I am today .. that girl taught me to dream , to live , to dance , to breathe ... her clothes , face , body hadn't matter to me ever... all I loved was the Sharon , who had an innocent dream in her eyes... but her statement shook the entire pillar on which my identity was standing... so much so that for a moment I did question myself , am I really that shallow??? My heart had answered me , " no I am not... but I didn't have the strength in me to prove to her the depth of my love..."
Today as I am sitting here alone , I don't care about my feelings... I know for sure that if I am here , then Sharon would probably be smiling and enjoying with our friends there...
I smiled sarcastically remembering the day we had planned to go out for movie... she had refused to come because I was there... am I that bad , that she can't even breathe in the same air which I do...
I hadn't even realized when my throats have dried up and my eyes started brimming...
"boys don't cry..." That's what I had been told by my grand mom since my childhood... by I couldn't hold it anymore... Each of the tears which I had been holding inside me trying to act brave like a man , has a secret tale waiting to be shared...
I pulled my knees close to my chest and buried my face inside the knees crying my heart out... I know I am weak... I am tired of acting brave and moreover no one here is around me to judge my tears...
I hadn't still come into terms that this breakup is everything that Sharon wants as of now.. she wants freedom ... but this freedom had pulled me out to such a vast and lonely air , that I feel difficult to breathe... And what pained me more was , being with me is not freedom for Sharon... she must be happy now , I smiled through my tears... If each of this tear brings a smile on her face , then I am ready to go through this... only this thought had given the courage to fight this feeling...
I wiped my tears , practicing to fake a smile which I have to do again from tomorrow...
The sea wind blew over my face urging me to walk away from everything here... And the sea waves splashed on my entire being urging me to hold on and try harder...
I am already bearing the pain of having an untold story inside me... I hope Sharon has nothing inside her like this...
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Love , Ani
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