Chapter 8
Sharon waited for Swayam as he put away her coat, the dim lit atmosphere inviting her in. Swayam wasn't far behind her as he got himself up behind the kitchen counter to get back to his cooking. Sharon on the other hand made herself comfortable at the high stools facing him. Both looked at each other for a while before Sharon realized that this was it, this was her chance to have the conversations she needed to have.
"What made you want to move here?"
Swayam knew why she asked that, because he loved his old apartment, and it was where they spent so much of their relationship with each other. "Needed a new place to build new memories, wasn't too fond of the ones left in that apartment."
Sharon understood immediately, though she admired his honesty because that was what they needed this evening. To be blunt and honest with each other.
"I like this place." She finally said.
He smiled, "it's a little piece of home in the middle of a big city. It's the best I can do with mumma, papa and Taani still in India."
Swayam was the elder child but his parents never stopped him from living his life the way he wanted, with the obvious exception to marriage and grandchildren like any set of Indian parents. Though he really wished he got to see them more often than he did. He always missed his little sister, she adored him very much as well. She was happy staying in India, still studying and enjoying her life.
Just as Swayam promised it was Sharon who had control over the conversation and questions. He was really trying here and even Sharon wasn't blind enough to see it.
"How are you going to move past what I did?"
She asked straight of the bat.
He was paying attention to his chopping when he looked up at her.
His eyes lost because even he was fully sure, he just knew he had to do it.
"I have to, there isn't a choice left."
He went back down chopping.
She wasn't convinced, "No Swayam, that's no answer. How do I know that when we fight you won't bring it up? How do I know that on certain days it won't fog your mind and make you hate me? How do I know that you won't hold it against me not even realizing that you are?"
Her eyes wanting answers to everything.
He paused; he knew her questions were right, this was what drove them apart.
"I was hurt Sharon, I trusted you and that was my child. I felt betrayed, and you never said anything to me. My life broke apart in a matter of seconds, if I want to feel less pain, I have to stop giving it to you. You are me, hurting you hurts me. As for what you did, was it wrong in my eyes YES! I stand by it, But I love you more so I will move past it. Getting over what happened gives me a chance with you, which is much more valuable."
She shook her head in disbelief, "See that's the thing you disagree with me on what I did, I don't. I don't want to be in that position again, I mean the one I was but if I was I would do it again. And how can you want to be with me knowing I would make the same decision again?"
She wanted his honesty, and he was hurt by her words but he had to accept them. "Sharon if you wanted to abortion so bad why didn't you even try to convince me? I am angry that you went ahead without even consulting it with me, how is that fair? Would I have been mad..YES, but I wouldn't have forced you to have a child against your will. I am not that insane. If you told me the truth, I won't lie but I probably would have tried my level best to try and make sure you don't go ahead with it. I would have done everything in my power to reason or bargain with you. But if the abortion was what you wanted I don't see what I could have done to stop you, I could've at least held your hand in the clinic."
She was tearing up, she knew he was hurt and was going to hurt, but the man loved her too much.
He spoke again, "It's a surgical procedure at the end of the day Sharon, so much is at risk. How did you even get back to your dorm that day? What sort of pain medication did take?"
She was surprised at his question, after he found out 5 years ago the screaming and shouting left no room for this information.
"I took a taxi back to the dorm."
He kept starting in disbelief, "You're such a stupid girl Sharon, a procedure like that could have easily gone wrong and you would have permanently damaged you chances at carrying a child. Do you have any idea what you were risking? You didn't have anyone to take care of you after it either, my anger completely disillusioned me but that's why you should have been honest with me to begin with. I get it that it's your body but it was our relationship after all Sharon."
He had sadness in his eyes as he looked at her, she couldn't look at him because for the first time guilt was sinking in her heart. She needed to trust Swayam, and she clearly never did.
She tried looking up again, trying to meet his eyes, "So where do we go from here?"
He softly smiled at her, "We accept our mistakes and move forward. We let go of our ego and make a better choice for ourselves and for each other. We decide to live happy once again."
She kept looking at him, just staring into his chocolate eyes that were melting her soul inch by inch.
"I am sorry for never telling you, I am sorry for making you suffer in agony then and for the past five years. I am sorry that I didn't trust you but I even more sorry for having so little faith in our relationship. I am sorry for being a disappointment Swayam."
This was followed by a pin drop silence and the occasional sizzle of food and boiling water.
Her eyes were glistening in honesty, she never apologized for the actual abortion but she knew she never could either because that was her right and her choice, but the other decisions she made along with this were wrong. And for those she had to apologies and beg for forgiveness.
Swayam looked back at her as if he had succeeded, that's all he ever wanted from her, just accepting the fact that her way of things was wrong even if she could never admit that the abortion was wrong. Swayam had to accept that she would never accept her decision on the abortion was incorrect, but that was okay. He could move past it because she had admitted her lack of faith in their relationship and in him. That was more important because if those issues weren't there maybe they could have resolved their own issues better. Swayam knew that they stood two different grounds on the abortion, but they simply had to agree to disagree on that. They just had to make sure that from here on now they had to agree and only agree.
He stayed quiet for some time as well, and then spoke, "I know you're sorry and I do forgive you."
Sharon was shell-shocked, did he just say what she thought he just said, as much as it was an apology it was the biggest test for the evening.
"Do you really forgive me?"
He looked straight at her with a small smile, "I do. I'm still hurt though, I feel like I lost a part of myself then, but I want to move on. I need to move on Sharon."
He nodded at her again and then spoke about what was on his chest, " I am sorry for reacting horrifically after I found out. I am sorry for the atrocious act I committed on Friday to somehow make you pay, that's the lowest I have ever been and I swear to you I don't ever want to be that again. I promise to be the man that you can trust and have faith in, so we never make a grave mistake like this again."
A tear fell from her eye, a sign of victory finally reaching or trying to reach. Their silence and smiles just affirmed their apologies. That gesture alone was enough.
Swayam just then brought out two wine glasses and a bottle of his favourite red wine, pouring some for both glasses he resumed to his cooking. Sharon then realised there was music playing in the background, specifically an old Hindi film song. She smiled listening to one of her favourites, Ajeeb daasta hai yeh.
"It's a fitting song isn't it?" Swayam smirked.
Sharon smiled in return, "It indeed is."
She got back to her conversation but on a much lighter side, "I'm not exactly going to be a decent, and neither a perfect wife... you know?" Her eyes lost in him and the wine.
He looked up, "and what exactly does indecent imply?" The grin widening on his face. She returned him a look saying really?'
He changed his face back to sincerity.
"I don't have any expectations Sharon, if that's what you're asking."
She insisted, "surely you must have some, I highly doubt that you have none."
He smirked, "you're great in bed, ticks all boxes for me."
She raised her eyebrows and slapped his arm hard, "you must be joking, all my real talents are being undermined and this is what you base my wife skills' on? ."
He played on, "I'm not joking, you indeed are." She slapped his arm again a little harder, causing Swayam to cry out in exaggerated pain.
The reason this was funny, and even more so nostalgic was because Sharon openly admitted to being an absolute prude. Openly discussing sex or even exploring it was something she didn't like or enjoy. She was reserved about it, and maybe still a little scared and very shy too, but that's just how she was. She may have looked like a sex symbol to the world, but internally these things still made her uncomfortable, which is why Swayam decided he would casually joke about it with her back while they were dating to allow her to enjoy a laugh once a while. Just so she could ease into the most physical part of their relationship. It was something he did for her in love and care, and definitely not too make her even more uncomfortable. And then she realised that that's what he was doing this evening. To ease her back to that life they once had.
She just stared him down in annoyance, "ok, ok I know I should be serious. The only expectation I have is that you fall in love with me, eventually."
His eyes almost twinkled in hope.
She looked down in regret; "there was a time I would have given anything for that."
"We will get that time back, I'll get it back for us."
She closed her eyes is a sense of relief that maybe they did stand a chance now; that they didn't have to hate each other, or at the very least could be friends.
He brought his hand forward and held her hand, lightly squeezing it and reassuring her.
Swayam then took her hand to their table, candle lit just as the whole house with red roses in an ice vase. He then brought over their meal with some more wine. She didn't know whether it was the food or the music or their current state of mind, and maybe even the wine, but she felt good. Good as in for the first time she was looking forward to something more than just work or a casual date, she was looking forward to the future. They enjoyed a much a lighter conversation, about their work, families and life in general. It felt like two people finally were trying to connect again. Swayam kept filling up their glasses every now and then, their eyes completely showing their intoxication, but not of alcohol, but love. Gradually as Swayam was putting back their plates Sharon walked over to the window pane, she was lost in thought but still pleased with the evening, only to break out of her trance when she felt a pair of hands on her hips. Turning she saw Swayam hugging her from her waist and looking past her shoulder, instead of pushing him away as she normally would want to, she settled in in that moment. For a second, and just for a second she felt that their heartbeats were almost in sync, the silence and emotion completely raw. They stood like that for a while which eventually turned into a very long time. His arms were engulfing her and she was taking in the warmth after so long. His cologne was step into their beautiful past. Finally Sharon spoke.
"I think I should leave now," her eyes looking down as she felt his breath on her neck.
"Do you think with all that you've had to drink I would let you leave." He smirked at her.
She inwardly groaned, not realising that she was indeed too drunk to drive, and annoyed that Swayam would have figured that out much before when he was pouring the wine.
She smiled knowing him all too well, and that he would actually do this.
"You're to drunk to leave tonight. I'll arrange the guest bedroom for you." He didn't move or change the amount of pressure in his grasp over Sharon's waist.
"You planned this didn't you. I could take a cab you know." She smiled out towards the window.
He smirked turning his head just enough to see her gaze out, "not at first but then I kept pouring more wine and I realised that I don't want you to leave for your own safety. And no you're not taking the cab."
"We have work tomorrow Swayam."
He didn't move, "So what tell them you have a wedding emergency and don't show up."
She laughed, "I can't do that and you know it."
He nudged a little closer, "trust me just call in sick for once, and I know you enough that you have hardly ever done that."
She smiled to herself knowing that he still knew these little things about her, maybe she would do that next morning she thought again.
Sharon moved her arm and grasped his forearm to intertwine her hand and her fingers with his. A sense of warmth touching her fingertips. Then she finally turned to face him, slowly but steadily, their eyes didn't move and neither did their heads even though their noses were touching. Swayam took a deep breath and tried moving back from such closeness, "I'll get the room ready for you."
Sharon immediately stopped him by pulling his arm; he was confused and a little startled. She huskily whispered and smirked simultaneously, "If you plan for me to stay, why push me away into another room. Mr Shekawat you're playing a little unfair."
Then she pulled him closer, and closer, back to the same proximity they were before he backed away, waiting a second but then she lunged forward and kissed him, but ever so slowly. Swayam was almost star struck ,and he didn't push the kiss further, except Sharon did. She slowly deepened the kiss and pulled him by his collar, by which time Swayam didn't stand back either. It wasn't a kiss that represented deep undying love, but a slow burning passion, a slow growing desire. It had something more intricate to it, and they both knew it.
Swayam then remembered that she indeed was drunk and he needed to stop this before it got out of hand again, slowly he pulled away but only to be stopped by her hands on his collar.
"You're drunk Sharon, I don't want you to regret anything tomorrow, we should stop this now."
She smirked again, "what happened to me calling the shots tonight?"
He laughed out loud, "You know exactly what I meant by that."
She pulled him closer again by the collar again, "I'm being serious."
He tried to reason again, "I know exactly how drunk you are Sharon, I made a mistake before and I don't want to make it again."
She didn't stop, "I don't need another room tonight Swayam."
He knew exactly what she said but he also knew he couldn't let this happen, not tonight. "Sharon... Please listen"
Her forehead was now resting on his, "I know our emotions are hay wired, I know we are slowly regaining reality, and I know that there is so much between us in this moment. But I need a better memory of us than you and me fu*king each other senseless on my couch. I need more than that Swayam." She spoke as sincerely and honestly as she could, hoping he understand her reasons for asking what she was.
Swayam closed his eyes in regret of what happened last time, "you're very drunk Sharon, and I know this won't look good tomorrow when you wake up."
Sharon's hands moved up from the collar to his cheeks, cupping them. "I promise you, I know exactly what I'm getting myself into."
With that Swayam found Sharon's hand and lead her out of the room, towards his bedroom. He wasn't sure if this was right or not, considering they had only just started to understand each other, but it was what they needed. Or at least she needed. His room was on the ground floor, dimly lit as the rest of the house though no candles, he was sure they would never make it this far. His room was the master bedroom of the house, and soon would be their bedroom' eventually, beautifully decorated and too clean and organised for a bachelor man. She looked at him while he was still unsure of what he was doing and why he was doing, it and then it him, he loved her.
He didn't want to admit it out loud or even hint it to her, but he loved her. And that's what he was going to do tonight; love her. With one swift move he pulled Sharon's back up against his chest, collectively taking her hair and putting it to one side to clear his path to her beautiful neck. Slowly touching the zip at the nape of her neck, and pulling it down to unleash her from the dress, and then making his lips touch the tip of her naked spine all the way down to her waist. The cold touch of his lips erupted little goose pimples, and without much further wait he pulled the sleaves down as well, which let the dress hang of Sharon's hips. Turning her body to face him he walked forward to lightly push her onto his bed. There she lay in a black lace bra and a dress scrunched at her hips, her eyes giving him an open invitation that no man could dare resist. And he would be dammed if tonight he didn't show her the real meaning of making love.
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