Anger and hurt coursed through my veins as my father criticized me, like everytime. I would think I would get used to it but it still hurt, still stung me that even after all these years I could not gain my father's love and respect. I tried not to show it but all this rejection was making me crazy, making me wonder if I had any importance in anyone's life. What hurt even more was father favouring Rey over me. For the first time in my life I was jealous, insecure and that too because of my best friend. How cruel could life be.
I turned my head towards the canteen looking at my friends enjoy and smiled dryly. Any other day, the time after a competition would be fun-filled. But now, fun was the last thing I felt like having. The jabs I received from my father tore at my insides and whatever smile I managed died on my lips. There was only so much I could take. My eyes shifted towards the food counter and found the girls in front of it, each of them dancing with a huge smile on their faces. And my eyes found her, like always. Like always, they got stuck on her, my eyes channeling on her presence to my brain and my heart simultaneously.
Sharon.
Her name resounded through my being and I found the moster tearing at my insides fade away into the darkness. The rigidity in my jaw decreased and I felt my face relax into a smile, looking at a similar one on her face. Soon I felt the heaviness in my heart loose weight and my smile grew wider. Five years ago, if anyone had told me that I would fall in love with a girl like this, I would have laughed at their face. But now, looking at the woman dance her way around, making my heart race; I could only laugh at myself. I walked inside the canteen, my eyes fixed on Sharon, the smile on my face refusing to die.
If only I could tell her how much I loved her.
It wasn't as if things were bad between us. Infact, it was better than the relation we usually shared. The hatred and the heartbreaking friction had dissolved giving rise to a welcome frienship; welcome for Sharon, unsettling for me. I shifted slightly on my seat as the familiar broodiness got to me. I had once told Sharon we could never be friends after what I feel for her and I still stood firm on that thought. I accepted myself as Sharon's friend because that is what she wished for, that is what made her comfortable and her comfort was my main priority. But the truth was, it hurt bad. It hurt so bad to be so near to Sharon yet so far. Everytime she stood beside me, smiled at me, everytime her hair uknowingly touched my face, my body burned. It yearned to bring her close, yearned to spend time with her. And my inability to do so tortured me senseless.
Completely lose in my thoughts, I was oblivious to Sharon continuously staring at me.
**
His eyes were fixed on me but they held a distant look. It didn't take me time to realise that he was in his yet another quagmire of thoughts. I blushed as I realized it took me less than a second to arrive at that conclusion. But then, Sharon Rai Prakash was smart and this was Swayam Shekawat she was thinking about. Another shade of pink captivated my cheeks. My smile dropped from the edges as I saw how vehemently he was looking at me with longing and hurt shining in his eyes. His esoteric eyes tugged at my heart as I knew I was the reason behind the moisture in them. The guilt must have showed up in my eyes as the very next instant, Swayam seemed to realise I was staring at him and he stood up suddenly, averting is gaze to the tables and chairs while mine remained fixed on him.
He stood up and walked away from me conciously avoiding my gaze. The way he tried hard to not make eye contact made me smile. It comforted me for some reason that I still affected him, that he still loved me. But as he walked away to the opposite side of the canteen, towards the boys, our past breakups flashed in my mind. Over the two-three years I had known him, I had always caused him pain, always hurt him. And now that things were okay between us, I wanted to bring Swayam out of the web he had been caught in, the web of rejection. I owed him that. Swayam had always been beside me through thick and thin, I owed him happiness for that very reason.
I walked along with him in the canteen.
I wished to become the source of comfort he desired, the girl he loved with all his heart. I so wished to destress his life, make him forget about his dad, his sister and Rey, but I knew; everytime I neared him, I ended up hurting him. I froze in midstep as a familiar confusion clouded my heart and mind. It had been eminent ever since we broke up. Swayam Shekawat had started affecting Sharon in ways he would have never thought he could. I couldn't tolerate his sad face and one smile on the boyish face would make my heart shoot up. It unsettled me to see him with Aashi, but it made me immensely happy when he danced with me. Being with Swayam as his 'friend' made me come in terms with a new aspect of Sharon Rai Prakash; the girl who was falling in love with Swayam.
Red blood rushed to my cheeks as I finally accepted the fact that I had begun to fall in love with Swayam Shekawat. As he danced in front of me the smile on my face grew and I glowed with happiness. Was it this love I had been running away from? The very next second, Swayam stopped, catching my sight and stared at me, his eyes unintentionally answering my question. Yes, it was precisely this love I had been running away from and I would be a fool to continue to do so.
Swayam stared at me for a long time before coming back to his senses and he walked away, leaving me to smile to myself.
**
But she could never know how much it hurt.
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