November | A SwaRon SS
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by Cinevistaas and Channel V/Star India. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Summary: The ways in which Swayum and Sharon's life evolves over ten Novembers.
***
2014
"I always used to love November
But now it always floods with rain
Oh how can I forgive?
Those words will stain forever"
- Gabrielle Aplin, November
In the aftermath of their village excursion, Swayum feels restless, but he does not know why. It has only been two weeks since their return, and everything seems to be going smoothly on the professional front. Rey has registered their academy as an official business and they are currently in the midst of enrolling students. The gang is in good spirits, but Sharon is oddly quiet of late. She seems deep in thought, distracted. Even though she is living with him, he hardly sees her because they are both busy doing their respective part for the academy.
He chalks it up to stress and being overworked, but a small part of him worries that the distance between them is quickly widening into a chasm and he needs to stop it before they completely lose sight of themselves. He feels like there is a lack of communication between them. They have never really needed to speak to communicate. They can read each other sighs and gazes, but lately they have not even had the time to look at each other properly.
It is in the late afternoon on the second Sunday of November, when Swayum decides that he has had enough of distance and it is high time he talks to Sharon. Shekhawat Manor is eerily quiet, when he returns after a long day at the academy. He has not seen Sharon all day and he looks forward to a quiet night in with his girlfriend. The lights are out, but Sharon's white Mercedes is parked in the drive-way.
He hears shuffling in Sharon's bedroom and he pops his head through the doorway hoping to catch his girlfriend by surprise. Instead, it is Swayum who is taken aback to see an open, half-full suitcase and Sharon striding purposefully, back and forth between the bed and her closet with a pile of neatly folded clothes.
He smiles inwardly. She must be planning on surprising him with a holiday. They have not had any time for themselves in the past few weeks and she must want to get away for a while now that things are settling down.
"What's all this?" Swayum asks, smiling. "Sharon, are we going somewhere?"
"Not we," Sharon replies calmly. "I'm moving in with Sara."
His jaw drops in surprise. "What? But why Sharon? Has something happened? Are you angry at me?"
"Not everything is about you," she retorts sharply, but immediately feels bad when she sees him cringe at her tone. "I don't want to burden you by being here. I've been living with you for months now, and people are talking about us. I don't like that."
Now he just looks plain furious, "since when have we cared about what people are saying or doing? It's never affected us before. And how can you say that? How can you even think that you'd ever be a burden to me?"
"I don't want to argue about this. I've seen Sara after ten years, and I want to spend some time with her," Sharon states with a tone of finality. She is firm in her decision - unshakeable.
"Then why don't you just invite her over. Actually, she could just stay with us," Swayum offers earnestly. He likes Sharon's cousin. She is sweet and full of life, and most importantly she makes Sharon happy. That is reason enough for wanting to have Sara live with them.
"Thank you for offering," Sharon says tightly, "but we've already paid our deposit for a penthouse in Malabar Hill."
"When did this happen? When did you arrange the finance?" He asks, trying to remain rational. "I thought your family was facing bankruptcy."
"Not my family." Sharon is quick to correct him, "Just my mom. She's been lying to me the entire time. RPG has been one of the top performing companies in the world for the last seventeen years. The business isn't facing any losses. It's mom, who defaulted on a personal loan. She's too proud to ask Papa for help so she tried to cheat her way to the Dance Mania prize money to repay that loan."
"Has her issue been solved?" He asks, but regrets it as Sharon visibly flinches.
His unwavering concern for her lying cheating scum of a mother only serves to irritate her further. "Frankly, I don't care. I don't have anything to do with her anymore."
"But how are you going to afford a penthouse in Malabar Hill?"
"Papa paid the deposit on it and Sara and I have taken out a loan for the rest. We'll pay him back when we have the cash."
"But Sharon, how are you going to repay it? A penthouse in Malabar Hill will cost a fortune." He feels weak in the knees just thinking about it. He sinks to the bed and wonders what the hell Sharon has gotten herself into.
"I've accepted a job offer with Diwan Industries, as a financial planner. The salary is generous. Sara will help as well. She's been offered a job as a junior photo-journalist at Vogue."
He looks pained, "But Sharon, what about our academy?"
"I've sorted it out with Rey," Sharon replies, folding a pair of grey denims neatly. "I'm taking the Saturday and Sunday morning Advanced Contemporary classes, and Sara's teaching Indo-Fusion on Saturday, Bollywood on Sunday afternoon."
"I can't believe this," he sighs tiredly. He is too overwhelmed by surprise and disbelief.
He is hurt by the fact that Sharon has taken so many decisions by herself, without even telling him. He understands that it is her life and she is free to live it in any way she would like, but he is a part of her life too, and all her decisions affect him as well. He is upset that she did not even think to discuss any of this with him. So much has happened in such little time, which means that this has been going on for a while now, he just hasn't been aware of it. When did she even the find the time to apply for a job? Or a loan? Logically, she must have been thinking about moving out while they were still in Golgaon, but why hasn't she said anything to him about it? He is annoyed that she has found time to discuss it with Rey, but she has not had the chance to even tell her boyfriend that she has found a job and that she wants to move out.
"Why?" He asks softly, holding his head in his hands. "Why are you doing this?"
"For God's sake, I have a business degree, I might as well put it to use," Sharon retorts, bubbling with annoyance. She does not want to explain herself to him. She does not think she has to.
"And what about dance?" He grabs her by the shoulders and pulls her to him, so that he can look her in the eyes. Her skin is like warm butter under his fingers and her delectable mouth looks like as soft, and lush as raspberries. He wants to kiss her senseless, but he is furious with her. "Dance is your passion. How can you do this to yourself?" He does not understand why she is doing this, but he will not let her neglect her dreams on anyone's account.
"Let go of me Swayum," Sharon snaps, struggling in his arms. She is not used to his aggressiveness and it irks her in its unfamiliarity. Pushing his hands out of the way, she steps back and almost glowers at him. "I have a lot of packing to do."
"Sharon are you sick?" He asks worriedly, because her cold behaviour is unusual and unsettling. He is struck by a sudden sense of dj vu as he recalls the days after her return from Delhi, when her rude, detached demeanour was used as a tactic to push him away so that he would not be affected by her sickness. "Is it the asthma again?" He reaches for her again, searching for the truth in her eyes, but her sparkling green eyes are dull and lifeless. He feels his heart sink to his stomach.
Pulling away from him, Sharon shakes her head. She feels frustrated by his resilience. "It's not the asthma problem and I'm not going to stop dancing just because I've found another job. I'm doing this because I need to grow up. I need to go into the real world and experience it for myself. For the first time, I'm making a rational, informed decision and you can't even be happy for me. I don't understand you anymore, Swayum. You have a problem with my impulsiveness, but you can't support my practical decisions. What do you want, Swayum? What do you want from me?"
"I just want you to be happy." And that is all he has ever wanted. He just wants her to be happy and he thinks that she should know that by now.
His voice is raw with emotion, and Sharon feels her heart ache for him. "Then you need to let me do this," she cups his cheek gently, tenderly. "You need to let me go."
"Are you breaking up with me?" His words are blunt, but his voice is coming out choked and his tone is broken.
He looks to be on the verge of tears and Sharon cannot bear to see him like that. "I'm leaving your home," she says softly. "I can't even imagine leaving you." Reaching up on her toes, she presses a light, swift kiss to his cheek before turning back to her packing.
Her hands are shaking as she reaches out to take a cardigan off its hanger. She is barely holding back her tears. She needs to do this for herself and for him. A little distance will do them some good, she thinks, because lately she feels like they are weighing each other down. She feels like she is a liability to him, and that inadvertently, they have become each other's weakness rather than their strength. They are too dependent on each other and she needs to draw the lines before they destroy themselves.
She does not doubt his love, but she is hurt by his lack of assurance. He occupies her every waking thought and lives in all of her dreams. His ubiquitous presence consumes her and she feels like she is suffocating because for the first time in her life she feels like she depends on him even just to breathe. She needs him to survive and it disorientates her because Sharon Rai-Prakash does not need anyone. Sometimes she does not even recognise herself anymore. She is not the same ruthless, ambitious, spirited girl she used to be. Now she is just a nave, lovesick fool who dreams of marriage and children, when she is nothing but a child herself. But the time has come for change and she will seize the moment. Once upon a time, she used to be an opportunist and it is high time she utilises her skills.
She realises that he is not the same man he was either. His boyish charm, his innocence and idealism is gone and she knows she is to blame for this loss. Inadvertently, they are changing each other. His love makes her more human, he brings out the best and the worst of her emotions. He makes her love fiercely, but he brings out the darker side in her as well. Her wrath and envy, only amplifies when she feels at all threatened by another woman. This also worries her because she feels insecure and that is a feeling completely foreign to her.
Her insecurity is festered by an overwhelming fear of abandonment. Despite being so popular, Sharon has been alone all her life. When her parents are together, they never have the time for her. They always have several business commitments and social engagements that are far more important than their only daughter. When they separate, they end up in two different corners of the world and Sharon is left behind with the house-help. The Rai-Prakash family substitute their love with cheques and expensive gifts, but Sharon only ever craves for affection. She has many friends, but she is close to very few of them. She does not let people get too close, because it hurts terribly when they break her trust and walk away from her.
She is overjoyed when her mother comes home after so many years, but the happiness is short-lived when she betrays her yet again and this time it is Sharon who walks away from her. She is alone once again, and she desperately clutches onto the one person who has always been her constant. But she worries that one day he will leave her too because she has this uncanny ability of pushing away all the people who love her. And so Sharon does the only thing she can think of. She tries to persuade Swayum to marry her.
His eventual rejection is like a blessing in disguise. It wakes her up. She no longer fantasises about what if-s and could be-s. Her insecurity had driven her temporary insanity. She is barely twenty-one, and she does not even understand what it truly means to be married. Family, love, attachment has always been a brief fleeting dream for her. She is used to loneliness, abandonment and so she carefully safeguards her heart, her emotions because she knows how painful it is to have your heart broken. She has seen too many broken relationships and she will not go through the same pain and suffering. This time Sharon is going to walk away, before anyone else can leave her.
For a long time, Swayum stands frozen in the middle of Sharon's bedroom. He wonders why he feels so hurt that she is leaving his home, but deep inside he is well aware of what is happening. He has gotten so used to having her around; he cannot even imagine living here without her anymore and even though he might have rejected her idea of getting married, he has been weaving this dream of a beautiful future together. Somewhere along the line, his house has become their home and now the thought of her moving out, leaves him bereft.
For the first time, he does not understand what she is thinking. He knows that despite what she says, he is intrinsically connected to her every action. Her decision to move out is also prompted by his mistake. He would fix it in a heartbeat, if only he could figure where he has gone wrong. He worries because he knows what she is like. Sharon forgives, but she does not forget. She would hold onto the memory of a loss and foster the grief until it became unbearable. He does not want her to go through the pain of that.
They have weathered many storms together and he knows that like always they will come out of this stronger. His Sharon is tough-willed and stronger than he can ever be. He has faith in her love, in her choices and so he will stay quiet and let her decide their fate.
Stopping in the doorway, Swayum turns back to watch her. She looks wonderfully comfortable in this space, like she owns it, like she has all the right to it and she does, so why is she running away from it all? Why is she running away from him? Swayum is not sure what is happening, but he feels like he is losing her and for once, he does not know how to stop it.
Sharon looks up at him, just as he looks away and walks out the door. Closing her eyes, she leans against the window and stifles a sob. She can feel her heart breaking. His quiet acceptance hurts her more than anything. She expects him to fight for her, and today he says so many things, everything, except the words she wants to hear the most.
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