----My FFs for the contest---(compilation)

maris08 thumbnail
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Posted: 13 years ago
#1

Scenario: Shravan is arrested after the hotel SaaVan were staying in is raided. Sanchi is left alone in the hotel.

A MYSTERIOUS STRANGER

The time 11PM

The seedy hotel in which Saavan stayed was a big recipe for disaster. The moment both set their foot in it was their undoing. Everything that happened was doomed for them. Now Shravan was arrested and Saachi was left all alone.
Her cell was lost and she had no money with her. Her only support and strength was arrested and she was clueless as to which police station he was taken to. The atmosphere at the hotel was depressing and frightening at the same time. Prayers were her only hope it seemed. But then, can only that be the answer for everything .Action was now needed and that too immediately.
Suddenly a figure jumped into the room. A black clad, hooded and covered fully deftly eased into the room through the window. How it happened Saachi was not aware of. In the blink of the eye it was there sizing her up and waiting for her next move.
Saachi thought of screaming, as would be the normal reaction, but something about the figure stopped her from doing so. The figure was enveloped in a shroud of black, face covered in a balaclava cap (monkey cap), black jacket and pants and boots. The identity could not be guessed.
The figure shoved a slip of paper into her hands and waited patiently till she read it. Saachi slowly opened it and read it. "I will help you release your husband; in turn will you give me what I want?" Reading it Saachi had nothing else to say but simply nod her head in assent. For her the release of Shravan was primary importance than anything else .Silently as a cat the figure climbed out of the window and disappeared into the darkness.
'Knock, knock' there was a tap at the door. Saachi cautiously opened the door and peeked out. It was the seedy manager asking her whether she wanted anything. His face was contorted and his smile twinkled due to a silver tooth. The very sight of him sent shivers down Saachi's spine. She thought of closing the door on his face, but then an idea struck her.

"Yes, bahi sab. As a matter of fact I want to make a phone call. Is it possible?" she asked him.

Both went downstairs to the reception. The attempt yielded no result, as the lines were cut off by the raiding police. Now Saachi was really sweating, in spite of the Mussorrie's cold night. Suddenly she felt very lonely in this world, wishing for the first time in many years her parents were alive. Gathering her wits and courage, she simply walked out of the hotel, unmindful of the manager's frantic call of her.
The time 1AM
She was alone on the road walking with a vague direction towards Mussorrie town, but with a purpose. Her internal strength and mental makeup was propelling her towards the path of her destination. She had a small torch beaming a faint glow of light in front her, lighting the path and keeping her company.
She thought that if somehow she could reach the fringes of township, she would be able to make a call and hence gather more reinforcements for her search of Shravan. But for that she needed to be brave and strong to traverse this God forsaken place and reach civilization.
Suddenly she heard footsteps behind her. It was as though someone was at first walking slowly, like stalking her. Then came the increased speed of them and then finally it looked like a rush of footsteps hounding her. An instant chill ran down her spine, an unexplained queasiness inside her stomach. Was it some dacoits or highwaymen, trying to waylay her and ruin her? Or was it that black hooded stranger, who had reneged on the agreement to help her? She felt all her courage and temerity evaporate. She stood there rooted to the spot, fear overcoming her and enclosing her like a wrap.
"Arre Mandhira rukh ja. Bagho math. Don't do anything stupid.Main hun na". a familiar voice was booming through the stillness of the night. Saachi slowly turned back and saw Mandira was running as though her whole life depended upon it, closely chased by Rocky Singh and his side kick Chavanni, following him.
'Boy was she so glad to see this sight in her life' Saachi wondered. Like a Mother Durga she stepped forward and stood in front of Mandhira, effectively blocking her further escape. A panting Rocky and Chavanni joined them. When exhaustion subsided and calmness returned, Saachi slowly pried out the reason for this cat and mouse chase.
It seemed after Shravan had won the race, Ranbeer was smitten by Mandhira and vowed to woo her. Mandhira a simple and nave girl fell for his charms and lost herself to him. Now Ranbeer was going back to London, leaving her in lurch. So Mandhira had no option but to run away least bringing a scar and smear to her family.
Saachi reasoned with her and assured them all her family support in uniting Ranbeer with Mandhira. On discovering that Rocky had a cell with him, she was elated. But alas there was no signal in the middle of the jungle. Putting on a brave face, she warded off his enquires as to her presence there. Meanwhile Mandhira, due to the sudden turn of events swooned and fainted. After helping in reviving her, Saachi left them to carry her journey towards civilization and her goal.
The time 3.30AM
Now Saachi felt all alone in her life for the first time after marrying Shravan. How happy she was to receive love and be rediscovered by Shravan. While her legs carried her forward, her thoughts aimlessly wandered to all that happened since her marriage. She savored each and every moment with Shravan, his boyish charms, his dead handsome looks, the crooked smile, his trademark one liners and his ever charming disposition towards her off late. She missed his hugs, kisses and near happenings.
Dreaming and walking without a care, Saachi didn't notice the sound at first. It was like a scuffling of foot against something, as though some someone was dragging something along with self. Saachi once again was paralysed with fear. This time she thought 'am really done for'. Maybe she was foolish in not sticking with Rocky and venturing out alone.
The noise was getting closer; deafening it was in the silence of the night. Saachi clutched her torch tightly. It was her only weapon and savior. Somehow she collected her last resource of inner grit and mettle and turned around to face her adversary .The closer the figure came towards her, the louder the noise was. Then her flashlight yielded a faint outline of that black clad figure moving its bike along with it.
Saachi now had a closer look at it and got reassured in a small way; but still wary of it. The figure stopped near Saachi. It then gestured to her to hop on its bike. Saachi obeyed diligently. Then suddenly with a roar ,the bike raced through the forest, like an ear piercing rocket lifting off towards the sky. Saachi held to her dear life by holding on to the side bar of the seat.
Who was this figure? Is it Ranbeer or her evil jiju? Why dosen't it utter any word to her? Was it someone she was familiar? How did it know all that happened these few hours? The stranger seemed familiar yet unknown to her. Was it to be trusted or be wary of? Too many questions bogged her mind.
Adding to her discomfort the bike was ridden by the stranger like a demon possessed. Zipping through muddy tracks, leafy paths and sometime plain grassy ground, Saachi could hardly keep her balance. Suddenly they reached the main road and then it was like a mad rush to that police station where Shravan was incarcerated.
The time 5AM
The bike screeched to skidding halt in front of the outpost cum police station. The time was one of the early morning arousing from the slumber of the previous night. A time when vigilance was slack and sleepy state of tiredness was the norm. The police were no exception. So hardly anyone heard the squeaking of the tires and the stealthy entry of the black clad figure into the station . The stranger had motioned to Saachi to keep a quiet watch outside while it went inside.
Shravan who was depressed and more worried about Saachi's fate than his, was awakened from his reverie, by the sudden appearance of the stranger. Before he could gather himself, he saw the figure fiddling with the locks and found himself free. Unbelievable but true he was free at last, that too without the police unaware of it. He wanted to shake hands and thank the stranger, but his hurry to meet Saachi at the hotel, made him forget his manners.
He almost collided with her in front of the station and seeing her instantly made him jump with joy and shout "oh teri ki Saachi, sachi mein aazad hun, yeah".The commotion of the lovers uniting did wake up the sleepy police, who suddenly realized they were taken for a ride and their quarry escaped.
The black clad figure meanwhile was silently watching the reunion from the shadows. Now was the time to make a kill. It moved silently behind Saavan, to motion to Saachi about their agreement. Bang! Bang! Two rifle shots were heard, resonating in that whole area. Like in a slow motion, the black clad stranger was crumpling down on the floor and fell in a crooked angle. The bumbling fat cop, in his eagerness to earn browny points had fired.
All hell broke loose. Instead of escaping, Saavan bent down to examine the fallen figure. The police also gather around them. Sharavn slowly eased the figure to a comfortable postion and slowly and gently removed the monkey cap. Lo and behold Saavan got a shock of their life. It was Tara, who was now slowly slipping into unconsciousness. A bewildered and speechless Saavan on enquiring, found that she was still obsessed about Shravan and had kept tags on on ever since Mumbai trip. Obssession turning towards a demonic mind.
The arrest of him provided the perfect excuse to separate him from Saachi and so she planned and made an agreement. She would help in releasing him, but in return Saachi had to forgo him forever. But fate had decided otherwise and now here she was injured gravely by that bumbling cop's bullet. A wry smile spread on her face and knowing fully, well that Saavan was a Jodi made in heaven and even GOD couldn't separate them. She wished them well and breathed her last.
The time 8Am
The confusion and misunderstandings was clarified. The family was present and all procedures completed. Saavan was now free and learnt their lessons. This time they were sent for their real honey moon to Goa, far away from Mussorrie, least they land into trouble once again. Saavan prayed to Ram Ji for helping them, in the form of a mysterious stranger-Tara. Saavan rode on Shravan's bike towards a new beginning. A new day marking the glorious and wonderful years ahead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Is it or is it not!!

The Karva chauth was well on its way. The poojas over , the ladies danced and there was an excited anticipation of the moon to appear, so that they could break their fast. At last the moon came the wives saw their respective husbands face across the sieve.


Saachi who had told Shravan that she will not drink water from his hand, was feeling uneasy all of a sudden. Looking at her husband's face brought about a myriad of emotions on her face. Unable to face him any longer she just fainted.

The family of Jaiswals and Sharmas gathered round her. There was a general feeling and consensus that, she may be pregnant. While the news was welcomed and enjoyed by all, Shravan was hit by it, like a bulldozer.

Thudd. He fell on the floor, swooned and knocked out, due to the enormity of the news. All the family members gathered around him. He was revived slowly and taken to his room. The doctor was called for checking both the husband and the wife.
He examined them and dropped a bombshell. Saachi was not pregnant, but Shravan was. But how is this possible? Have you gone mad? How can such a thing ever happen? God has not created Man to bear a child. This is ridiculous.

You may all ask me and wonder whether the screws of my brain has got unhinged. Well, be patient and read on.

Shravan slowly regained his consciousness. A very concerned Saachi and an equally worried family was all looking at him. It seemed they were seeing an Alien and that too in their midst. There were smirks and easy smiles; Indulgence and disbelief on their faces

"Shravan", 'ahem ahem' Pratap cleared his throat and slightly hugging him said, "Beta jo mein bolunga, usko kaan kholkar sunlo. Himmat aur dirag rako. Never in the history of mankind this had happened. Am really proud and happy for you, son".
Shravan already bewildered by seeing all surrounding him like moth flies was even more confused and baffled by Pratap's words. An already muddled brain of his was working overtime to reason the looks and glances all were showering on him.
"Beta, wait let Saachi hold your hands least anything happens. Okay now Son you have been singularly and uniquely honored with the blessing of bringing into this world the next santhan of this Jaiswal Kandhan".
Shravan, his head slightly tilted, looked at him blankly, unblinking and open mouthed, not understanding a word of what was said. Normally he always needs to be repeated for any important news or instructions to get across his mind. Now his dimag ki batti was totally switched off and neither was his ganti ringing inside him.
Saachi gathered all her wits and simply slapped his cheeks gently. That got his attention. With a moon faced smile on his face, he saw her and gave a big smile. "Sharavn ji, please listen. You are pregnant with our baby" she said
With shocked eyes and head rolling side to side once again Shravan fainted, the news too much to bear. After much effort, he was revived again. This time he was slowly briefed about this unusual, unheard of happening. Reluctantly
Shravan accepted his blessed status and started warming up to the idea of giving birth to a baby.
"Saachi patha hai , I will be the world first father and mother of baby together. Oh teri ki. Kithna blessed and chosen hun mein. Aur thum, you will be the father or mother right. Oh this is all confusing and giving me chakkars. Waise morning sickness kithne din thak chalega aur kya kya kartna hai, usko mittane keliye?" he was pestering Saachi, who was equally clueless and bewildered by all that was happening
Day in and day out Shravan bombarded his Dadhi and Nanni, with questions, on how to prepare himself to face the pregnancy and labour. Shaking her head and muttering 'jaan jaye par lachan na jaye', Nanni grudgingly helped him by making choorans and ayurvedic pastes. Dadhi for her part along with Madhura cooked all his favourite dishes, including Aaloo paratha and aaloo ki subzis.
Pratap was estatic and commenting to all and sundry, that his beta had become layak and was carrying a heavy responsibility and burden (literally inside his stomach). Naanu for his part was praying to ram ji daily that nothing untoward should happen. Savrav and Rajat were slightly jealous of this unique state of Shravan. Nidhi was guiding and helping him with tips and tidbits of preganacy and childhood, while Neetha did the shopping for large oversized flannels and Tees. Mama and Mami were simply watching helplessly at all this, gritting their teeth and face contorted in all shapes.
Saachi for her part was undergoing an emotional upheaval of sorts. She felt cheated that it was Shravan who was pregnant and not her. Happy that it was making Shravan responsible and grown up (rather growing up in size), she was torn between jealousiness and ecstacy alternating ,every other day. It was taking a huge toll on her; being a mother to Shravan and a father-mother to their unborn baby.
The Godh barai function was done for Shravan..He was basking in all the attention he got. Bunty and Viren danced a special song for the occasion, bringing smiles on everyone. Shravan with his protruding belly, angelic face and cheerful dispositon was a picture of perfect handsome hunk, radiating the beauty and glory of pregnancy
Time flew by. The nine months completed. Shravan would deliver anytime now. All was set and in a readided state. The day dawned and Shravan was taken into the labour room. The whole family was anxiously pacing up and down the corridor. Prayers and vows said to GOD.

Then came the ear piercing scream. Shravan calling out to Saachi, confessing his love and heart. All were worried and happy, that Shravan indeed loved Saachi to the core. But what happened inside?
Shravan felt water everywhere, on his face on his body and around him. "Oh my water broke, my water broke, do something about it".. He was tossing and turning, half unconscious half awake. He felt some hands restraining him. "Oh my baby, have I delivered? Is it a boy or a girl? Tell me Saachiii. Where are you?"
He felt somebody giving him a resounding slap on his cheek. Slowly he opened his eyes and saw that his whole family was gathered in his room, around his bed. Saachi was having a jug of water in her hand and giving him a really terrified look.
For that matter his whole family was giving him concerned and odd looks.

What was happening? Was he nor pregnant and going into labour? How come he was still in his room? He looked slowly across his body and found it to be flat. A great relief swept through him. Oh then all was only a dream! THANK GOD!


Later much later, when he was completely satisfied and glad that all that happened was only a dream, he sat with Saachi on the bed and narrated all that to her. There was laughter and fun ringing and resonant inside that room.
Saavan looked into each other's eyes and read the signals loud and clear. Now time for some action and definetely , agar kuch hua toh Saachi will be the one to get pregnant and not Shravan. Thank God for dreams; Is it or is it not!!!!

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a little faith thumbnail
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Posted: 13 years ago
#2
A mysterious stranger

I loved that opening paragraph, so that we are in the middle of the action and thus causes us to focus our attention rather than lazing our way into it. 😃

Her only support and strength was arrested I loved this manner of her referring to him. Not only does it showcase your writing ability but defines his importance in her life. ⭐️

depressing and frightening at the same time. Again, excellent use of words, for depressing is not deemed to be inciting, but rather mundane, stagnant. You illuminate and excellently capture that nuance of movement within that word. Wonderful. ⭐️⭐️

waited patiently till she read it. I don't know if you meant for this to be slightly funny, but just the image of that menacing figure waiting for her to read the paper seemed surreal. I loved it.

seedy manager Wonderful manner in which you continue the theme of the hotel to its owner. I wonder who affected whom? Brilliant. ⭐️⭐️⭐️

I love the detailing you add simply but significantly which adds depth for instance, his smile twinkled due to a silver tooth. & Suddenly she felt very lonely in this world, wishing for the first time in many years her parents were alive.


She was alone on the road walking with a vague direction towards Mussorrie town, but with a purpose. Her internal strength and mental makeup was propelling her towards the path of her destination. She had a small torch beaming a faint glow of light in front her, lighting the path and keeping her company. This paragraph was indeed accomplished in its form and substance. I loved that vague contrasting against her purpose. The contrast of her against a destined destination. Beautifully done. ⭐️ That keeping her company was just beautiful writing that I have come to expect of you. ⭐️⭐️⭐️

alas there was no signal in the middle of the jungle. Cute line.

her legs carried her forward, her thoughts aimlessly wandered to all that happened since her marriage. Again, just elegantly written. ⭐️⭐️⭐️

The manner you give that torch avatars, companion, weapon, saviour. Wonderful. ⭐️

Again, I find that wonderful phrasing of words that is most definitely your style, moving its bike along with it. By using it you keep it a thing, a strange, something unrelated to human, to warmth and feeling. Excellently done. ⭐️⭐️⭐️

The time was one of the early morning arousing from the slumber of the previous night. A time when vigilance was slack and sleepy state of tiredness was the norm. I loved the flow of these lines, and again the phrasing of words, so that ambiance is given a form that is almost tangible, suffusing all its surroundings. Expertly done.

Wonderful. Maris. Love Sabah
a little faith thumbnail
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Posted: 13 years ago
#3
Is it or is it not?

Saachi who had told Shravan that she will not drink water from his hand, was feeling uneasy all of a sudden. Looking at her husband's face brought about a myriad of emotions on her face. Unable to face him any longer she just fainted. I loved all the drama, both inner and outer contained within this sentence, nicely woven.

The doctor was called for checking both the husband and the wife.😆

That twist! Well, that was just inspired. I was gripped! Even though I wanted to rush to the end, you narrated so delightfully each line, that I wanted to linger over them, for instance,
Am really proud and happy for you, son😆

Saachi for her part was undergoing an emotional upheaval of sorts. She felt cheated that it was Shravan who was pregnant and not her. Happy that it was making Shravan responsible and grown up (rather growing up in size), she was torn between jealousiness and ecstacy alternating ,every other day. It was taking a huge toll on her; I love the surreal humour you weave but this paragraph was wonderful.

Is it or is it not! You wonderfully captured those dreams that showcase difficulties that as we awake fade away taking with them all the woe of the day before. Life isn't as bad as it could be.

Wonderful. Love Sabah

maris08 thumbnail
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Posted: 13 years ago
#4
Sabah
Thanz a lot for this critical analysis of my story. Never had I been treated to this kind of detailed comments. Its goes a long way in boosting my writing skills. Glad that you took time to read them and enjoyed.
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