Chapter 28

27

".. I want to understand how love means walking away from the person you love. You can explain. I am waiting."

Khushi stood frozen holding the phone to her ear, her breathing suddenly faltering. A strange mix of apprehension and jitteriness took over her as it dawned on her that her secret was no longer a secret. He had heard her. He had not been asleep. He knew she loved him. Yet he had let her go. She forgot what he had asked her. All she could think was he knew .. and he had remained silent the whole day. And he had let her go.

"Why now?" She asked softly, almost in a whisper.

"Sorry?" Arnav was not sure what she was asking.

"You heard what I had said last night." Khushi explained slowly. "And then you agreed to not contact me again. Why are you asking me now? Why didn't you ask me then?"

Arnav was taken aback for a while as she started questioning instead of answering to him. Then he took a deep breath. He should have seen this question coming. He knew exactly why he had done that. And he could explain. Would she understand?

"You shocked me, Khushi." He paused. "And it was not even the last thing I had expected you to ask. Not when we have shared so much. Not when you have said you .. loved me. And let me remind you, I did not agree easily. But you were so persistent and I was .. so confused .."

Arnav stopped midway not sure how else to give words to his inner turmoil. He could not verbalize how her confession had made him feel and how horrified he had been when she had wanted to stop all contact. Both of them remained silent for a while, reliving how they had parted. They both understood each other; they still could feel the pain.

When Khushi did not respond, Arnav considered it as her apprehension. He cleared his throat. It was time she gave him some answers now.

"Khushi," Arnav's voice was calm. "I am a declared non-believer of love. And still .. here, I am the one trying to hold onto whatever is between us. And you? You have named it. You think you love me. Then how can you walk away from me? I want to know Khushi .."

Khushi sighed. She understood where he was coming from. But only her loving him was not enough, was it? It is not easy to walk away from the one person you love. Still she had done it. Would he understand if she said?

"Yes, I love you, Arnav." She started explaining patiently. "But I cannot force you to do the same. And unless we both are on the same ground, it will only cause us heartache. You do not believe in the future in a relationship that I believe in. How do you see it working then? We can stop it now, Arnav. And that will be the most rational thing to do. Else we can complicate it further and then try parting ways. That will only be even more painful."

Arnav blinked.

"What if I told you I loved you too?"

Khushi's heart stopped for a second. What if .. She knew he was just trying hypothesis on her but still her crazy heart pounded. What if .. Khushi swallowed and then, closing her eyes, thrashed down the rising head of hope beneath the ground. What if ..

She pursed her lips and opened her eyes. Her voice came out leveled and calm.

"You don't love me, Arnav."

"Let me decide that, Khushi." Arnav's voice was stern. "What if I told I loved you too?"

Khushi remained silent.

"Khushi?"

Arnav heard her sigh.

"That would make me very happy, Arnav. Perhaps I would not want to be apart from you, if you had told me that. But it wouldn't be for long unless .. Would you change your mind about marriage too?"

"Come on, Khushi." Arnav's voice gave away his frustration clearly. "Now you are equating love with marriage? The idea of love .. isn't it something above everything?"

"Yes, it is." Her voice gave away a hint of smile. "And that means we can love each other staying miles apart too. Selfless. Unconditional. Not wanting anything. But if you want to stay together with your love, marriage is the only way, Arnav. For me, there is no other way. And this would never change. I am not talking about getting married right now. We can take it slow and get there. But it is your zero belief in this institution that bothers me. Why don't you believe in marriage, Arnav?"

Arnav halted. He knew the answer to this question but never in his life had he ever justified himself to anyone. More than anything else, he just did not like talking about it. He had no intention to open the lid of his rotten past and let its pungent smell pollute their lives right now.

"It's a long story, Khushi. Just know that I don't believe in it."

"I want to know why, Arnav. Probably we can work something out then.."

"There is nothing to know." Arnav was stubborn. "I don't believe in marriage and nothing will change that."

"Fine." Khushi was stubborn, too. "Nothing will change my view too, Arnav. So please let it go. I am the one in love. Not you. It cannot be more difficult for you than me, right?"

The hint of sarcasm in her voice did not go amiss on Arnav and it cracked through his patience.

"But I want you, dammit!" Arnav snapped in frustration.

Khushi could not but allow her heartbeat to go erratic. But I want you, dammit. Could he have been any blunter? It sounded so raw and so eternally blissful. He wanted her. Arnav Singh Raizada, the man who could get anyone at his beck and call any moment, wanted her .. Khushi Kumari Gupta from Lucknow. The thought was more pleasing and heart-stopping than she had anticipated. The man she revered for the empire he had built, wanted her. The man she had worshipped in papers and ink even ten days back, wanted her. The man she had fantasized like a hormonal teenage girl, wanted her. And here she was walking out on the same man even when her heart broke.

Twist of fate. Irony of destiny.

Khushi sighed.

No matter how tender her heart felt, her rational thoughts did not leave her. She could not afford being in dreamland for long. These little happy moments of today could throw her in abysmal depth of pain, she was aware.

Khushi's fingers tightened on her phone.

"You really are confused, Arnav. I think you need some time. Please listen to me. Give yourself some time. Let some days pass. Everything will be alright."

"Don't tell me what I need to do." Arnav gritted.

Oh Arnav! Why was he making it so difficult? It was already more difficult than she could take.

"As you wish." Khushi sighed but her voice was firm. "But you hear me out too. This is the last time we are discussing this. And also it is the last time we are talking at all .. unless .. well, please don't call me, Arnav. Don't make it more difficult for me. I beg you."

Arnav's fingers tightened on his phone. His other hand was in a fist so tight that his nails painfully dug into the flesh of his palm. All he felt was the pressing pain in his heart. She loved him and she was saving her heart. Had he not been doing the same too? All this while? Who knew better than him how strong could be the fear of heartbreak? Weren't they just two sides of the same coin? When he could not compromise with his belief, how could he be selfish enough to expect the same from her? How would they find a middle ground when their views were exactly opposites?

Arnav sighed. He would let her go. He should. For now. She had begged. And he would give it to her. For now.

"Bye, Khushi." His voice sounded strained.

Khushi swallowed down the pain in attempt to sound composed. She could feel the tiredness in his voice. Also something else that sounded like helplessness. She felt like cupping his face and caressing his cheeks, offering him warmth and comfort. Only if she could.

"Bye, Arnav." Her voice sounded strained too.

And they both hung up.

The next morning came in their life as a regular morning, as if after a long time. They woke up in the same bed they had been waking up all these years. They took shower, had breakfast, exchanged pleasantries with the family and left for work. Just another day of their life. But still it did not feel the same. Only if the last ten days had not happened.

Khushi loved her job. Unlike many, Monday was not manic for her. After every weekend or holiday, she loved going back to work refreshed from the break. She was in the same spirit today as she finally returned to her little cubicle. But something still was a little different. She felt the same zeal, the same passion; yet there was a feeling of emptiness.

Khushi eyed her surroundings and frowned. Was there something wrong with the lights today? Or had the floor always been this dull? Perhaps it was just the lack of sleep, Khushi thought, as she closed her eyes and massaged over the eyelids. She took a deep breath and jerked her head to shake off the dullness. It was time to dive into work.

The rest of the day Khushi picked up on the unread mails and the minutes of unattended meetings. By lunch time, she had already been done with the backlogs and then she focused on the project with AR. She did not allow herself any rest since she knew it would distract her. It was no longer food, movies and gossips anymore. Any minute her mind was free, it would take her back to the moments where her heart was lost and the reminiscence would be followed by nothing but pain. She could not afford it right now. Not at work.

Around 6 in the evening, Khushi decided she was almost done with today's work. She had reviewed the papers that they needed to submit to AR for formality and also the draft of the legal agreement. S&S was an accessories company and they had bagged a major deal with AR for their next launch. It was the biggest deal of the year for the company and there was no way Khushi was going to leave any scope for mistake anywhere. The team had worked hard for the deal and she wanted to make sure that the hard work was repaid in multiples.

Khushi finally relaxed in her swiveling chair and stretched her body, satisfied with the quality & perfection of the paperwork. She just had shut down her desktop when her intercom rang.

"Hello."

"Khushi?" Mr. Sharma enquired. "Good you are still here."

Khushi hesitated about telling him she was leaving.

"Yes, Sharma ji."

"Can you come to my cabin? We have some important discussion on the AR project. You should be here."

"Ah. Ok, Sharma ji. I will be there in five minutes."

Khushi shook her head and smiled indulgently. So the day was yet not over. She put down her bag and started for Mr. Sharma's cabin.

Ashutosh Sharma, one of the co-owners of S&S, was not alone in his cabin; his Head of Operations and Head of Supply Chain were also in the room. The only person missing was Khushi's boss, the Head of Marketing. He was away representing the firm in a fair in China. So Khushi, on her own, was representing Marketing team for the project for the time being. Khushi still had a lot to learn, Mr. Sharma knew but he was confident on her aptitude and capacity. She was a fast learner and more than anything her integrity and passion for work were immense. So he was quite comfortable following her up himself for some time now, till his Head of Marketing was back.

"Good." Mr. Sharma walked up to the glass board. "Let's see where we stand right now and where we need to go."

Everyone got drowned in the discussion and Khushi too forgot about going home. She had texted Payal already letting her know she would be late. After an hour, Mr. Sharma's phone rang allowing the other three in the room to take a little break. Khushi excused herself and walked out of the cabin to get herself a cup of tea from the kitchenette.

When she was back in the room with her overly sweet milk tea, there was another person in the room sitting with his back to the door. Khushi could only see the back of his head and the upright shoulders. That was all she needed to freeze in her spot, with her heart racing, stomach vacuuming.

He turned his face to see who had walked in and his eyes shone instantly – in surprise, in happiness. His lips curved asymmetrically into an almost invisible smile.

"Ms. Gupta." he acknowledged her presence.

Khushi swallowed, trying hard not to spill the tea as her body trembled.

"Mr. Raizada." Her voice came out hoarse. She did not realize.