Chapter Twenty One

K-Shandra

@K-Shandra

Anurag returned to the apartment with an irritable Sneha and exhausted Prerna. Had he not stepped in he was certain that everyone would have continued indefinitely to demand attention from both mother and daughter. And with Prerna’s sometimes too acquiescent nature with both their families, he knew she would suffer in silence rather than object. While she had not objected his insistence that they take rest and therefore call it a day,she had been far too quiet on the drive home. He knew her well enough to know that it did not bode well, especially since they still had a lot to discuss and resolve. One thing he was however grateful for was the fact that the ceremony was over, and he could at least see them again. That knowledge rendered tolerable everything he’d had to endure in the meantime.

Preeto opened the door and took she carrier with Sneha from Prerna. She startled on seeing Anurag with them and appeared hesitant for a moment.

“Give her to me,” Anurag said gesturing to the carrier, ‘…and get Prerna some tea.” 

Preeto complacently handed him the carrier and said,“Yes, Sir,”

Prerna turned to look at him and stated outright,“You didn’t need to come up, We’ll manage.”

“I’m certain you will,” Anurag replied as he stepped past her with Sneha. He placed the carrier on the table and looked at his daughter for a moment before turning his attention back to Prerna, “We have a lot to discuss and since you refused to speak even a word on the trip home, I figured we will talk here.”

“Prerna came towards him, however calmly replied, “We have nothing to discuss.” She took Sneha from him and was about to leave for her room when he stopped her.

“Prerna, you can’t avoid this forever.”

“I’m not avoiding anything, I need to see to my daughter. She is hungry and her body is sore from all the handling today. We can talk once her needs have been seen to.”

It was no less than what he expected from Prerna,but he also knew that she was a master at stalling. It was a habit they had developed whenever things seemed too difficult or painful to discuss. It was also the very reason why they found themselves at that same point time and time again.

He watched as Preeto took tea for Prerna and then waited for some time. When it seemed like she was unlikely to come out, he went in search of her. She was laying down Sneha as he entered the room. She gestured for him to be quiet and said, “She’s tender after the day’s handling and wouldn’t settle.”

He watched their interaction, pride warming him.They were his and he would do anything to keep them safe and happy.

Prerna turned on the baby monitor and placed it in the cot before turning to him and flatly stating, “Not here.”

Understanding and respecting her stance, Anurag stepped back and returned to the lounge. She appeared not long thereafter,visibly tired. In a way he felt bad for insisting, but he knew the discussion was needed.

“Preeto!” Prerna called, and then turned to the servant as she entered the room, “You can go now, I’ll see you in the morning.”

Anurag knew Prerna was unlikely to argue in the presence of servants, it was something the servants had Basu Bari had most often commented on, and it gave him some indication of her mood. She then turned towards him and asked, “Would you like something.”

“You mean other than some of your time?” he quickly fired back and instantly regretted it, for he’d seen her flinch and knew her guard would be up once again. It was a reaction he was familiar with, but at the same time could not place exactly when it started. Just as he could not exactly point when specifically they had started withholding things from each other.

In her usual distant manner, Prerna asked, “What is there to say that is so important?”

Instantly frustrated at her attitude, Anurag pinched his lips and clenched his hands. He knew that losing his temper at that moment would only farther distance her from him. Something he intended to avoid at all costs. But even knowing this he could not decide on any specific manner or sentence to start the conversation. It was something he often experienced when in her presence. He so often wanted to say so much to her, but never knew howto start or express what he felt. He finally settled on the obvious and said,“You know, I just don’t get you. I’ve done everything I needed to do, followed every ritual to the letter, kept away from you and Sneha and still you wonder why I’m here tonight.”

“How am I supposed to know what you want to say tome?” Prerna demanded.

“You always used to understand me, we could communicate without even talking--” But was cut short by Prerna.

“That was before things became as complicated.”

“That is exactly what I mean. Things have become so complicated that we cannot even talk anymore, and we need to.”

“Okay, so I will talk.” Prerna firmly said, “As soon as I’m allowed to I will find myself a job and I will pay for this place and Preeto.”

Confused and shaken Anurag demanded,  “What? Who said anything about that?”

“I did, just now.” Prerna reaffirmed.

Confused he shook his head in confusion and said,  “That is not what I wanted to talk about.” 

“Then what did you want to talk about?”

“Oh god you’re being stubborn again.” Anurag mumbled more to himself, adding, “I don’t want you to do any such thing. It’s my duty to provide for your needs.”

“I will not be a kept woman!” Prerna firmly decreed.

“What do you mean by that?” Anurag angrily countered, “You are my wife, it is my duty to provide for you.”

“No, no, no, Anurag, don’t even start that. I’m not falling for your sweet talks and promises again. They have brought me and my family nothing but pain. So please spare us that.”

“What do you mean?” Anurag quickly demanded, “I have done everything a husband should, but still you don’t appreciate it.”

“What have you done? What? Tell me!” Prerna angrily demanded, but did not give him the opportunity to reply as she continued, “Not once during any of this have you stopped to consider, never mind ask me what I wanted in this.”

“That is because I thought we both wanted the same thing.”

“I didn’t ask for this, I didn’t think you would separate me from my family in this manner, because if I had known I would never have agreed.”

Anurag looked around the apartment, and asked “Is the place not to your liking, I’ll get another place, just tell me.”

Frustrated, Pressed the fingers of her one hand to her forehead and took a deep breath then replied, “There’s nothing wrong with the apartment. It’s beautiful, thank you.”

“Then what is it? Tell me!” he demanded, almost panicked at the though that she might want to leave him.

Prerna released a heavy sigh and said, “It’s everything.”

Anurag felt his blood run cold, then it seemed as if it was too thick to move through his veins. His entire body grew heavy as his mind tried to process exactly what everything implied, and how he could even start to fix everything. He settled on the most obvious, “What is everything?” Figuring it would give him some idea as to where he could start.

“This, us, our families, Sneha, just everything.Nothing ever goes the way it should. Sometimes I just wish I could just leave everyone and everything behind me and --”

Instantly he rushed over to her. He grabbed by her shoulders and demanded, “Don’t say that, don’t ever say that! You promised me that you would never leave me, and I’ll hold you to that promise until one of us die.”

“Then perhaps one of us should.”

Instantly he clapped his hand over her mouth and said, “Don’t say that! Don’t even dare. Because I will die if you do.”

Prerna took hold of the wrist attached to the hand he held in front of her mouth and pulled it away, at the same time using her other arm to push his other hand from her shoulder. Seriously she said, “So instead we slowly die everyday?”  

Shocked he replied, “Prerna,” adding “What do you mean by that?”

“Everyday, Anurag, it feels as if my soul is being tortured and I’m slowly dying. I’m trapped here. I have no actual contact with my family, who remain unwavering in their support up. I grew up in a house full of people. I’m used to having my family around me. Here I’m alone. I want to climb the walls because I have no idea for how long it will be and I don’t like that.”

“What are you actually saying?” Anurag demanded.

Dejected she answered, “I’m tired of all this,Anurag. I’ve come to accept that there never could be an us. We have tried, but everything always turns against us.”

“But we’re here now.” Anurag challenged.

“This is me and Sneha, you and Sneha, not me, you and Sneha. This is not what I thought we would be, not the us I had envisioned.”Prerna replied, then stepped away from him to place some distance between them.

Angrily Anurag demanded, “And who gave you the right to make that decision for us?”

“It’s the most sane thing to do, given the circumstances.”

Confused, he demanded, “Circumstances?” his frustration adding, “Could you speak sense? How did we even get here? I’m still working on arranging things for us and you’ve given up.”

Dispassionately she replied, “What else will you have me do? I can’t simply subject Sneha to the drama we had today whenever there’s a family gathering or ceremony.” Prerna’s tone took on a pleading quality as she continued, “Anurag, we both know your mother won’t change, she has done everything she could to separate us. Perhaps it is best if we simply accept that.”

Anurag firmly declared in reply, “But I’m not willing to. I won’t accept this.”

His words caused the colour to drain form Prerna’s face.

Anurag’s entire stance softened, a pleading tone tainted his words as he said,  “Don’t do this. Please don’t put distance between us again.”

He saw her stiffen, watched as her entire body flinched as if she’d been struck and she looked at him in disbelief.

Her obvious discomfort had him demand, ““What happened?”

Uncertainly she asked, “What did you mean by that?Don’t put distance between us again.”

“Bajaj.”

Visibly shocked by his reply,  Prerna looked at him as she asked, “You remember?”

“Not everything.” He stated outright, adding “There are some gaps, and I don’t know how it is that we ended up married after that.But I’m certain my memories will return given time.”

Prerna flatly stated in reply, “And once you do, you will also understand why your mother hates me.”

“Don’t say that!” Anurag said, stepping closer again.

“It’s the truth,” Prerna countered.

“If that were so, then sister Nivedita would not have done everything today with so much love, she would hate you as much.”

Prerna flatly stated in reply, “She has Anupam.”

“What does that mean?”

“Anupam soothes over your sister’s mood. He is the only one who can make her see sense when she gets angry, even when it is at him. Has supported you as best he could during difficult times.”

Anurag was confused for a moment, before realizing that she had shifted off the initial topic entirely and in reply demanded, “And what about our family? You and Sneha mean the world to me. How could you ask me to give that up?”

“I’m not asking you, I’m telling you that it is the best interests of everyone if we just accept that this won’t work. I will never keep you from Sneha but I cannot do this again. I simply can’t. Your mother made it obvious, not just today but in the past as well, that she simply will not accept Sneha. I want Sneha to know that she is loved and accepted by all those around her. How can I simply overlook what happened again today? There will be many more ceremonies in Sneha’s life. And I can’t… No. I won’t ask you or your family to support me at the cost of shattering it. My daughter means the world to me, which is why I have made the decision that was needed.”

Anurag looked at her in disbelief, even after everything that was said, her stubborn stance on the matter had not shifted. He remained silent for several long moments in an attempt to master both his anger and frustration. Finally he appealed, “Prerna, please.” He took hold of her hand and pulled her to look at him, imploring, “Look at me.”

Prerna shifted her gaze to his. And in response he lifted her hand to his chest and held it in place.

Anurag remained silent however Prerna could see he was uncomfortable.

“I know there are a lot of things I don’t remember, and I don’t know if I ever will remember them but I understand what I feel. And that this, this feeling, this, this is us. I don’t ever want to loose it.”

He saw her stance once again soften.

Anurag for a moment closed his eyes and begged the goddess for strength, before placing his hands on her upper arms for a moment thankful the she did not resist him. He pulled her closer and automatically wrapped her in an embrace. He was intimately familiar with the frustration she felt at their situation. He took a moment to draw in the familiarity of their proximity. His soul basked in the warmth and sense of purpose it provided him.He felt her soften against him her hands eventually moving to return the embrace. His entire being softened and relaxed into the embrace. Her closeness,like that, was all he craved. It was like a drug he never could get enough of,a craving that never dissipated.

Eventually he pulled back from the embrace and took hold of her hands bringing them to rest against his chest and huskily said,“Promise me you will not give up on us, because I won’t.”

She looked at him and swallowed against the lump in her throat and the tears that threatened, “What else am I to do, nothing ever turns in our favour.”

“Our hearts and souls are connected and will be forever. You’re as much a part of me as I am part of you. When you’re away from me I feel as if a part of me is missing. So I beg of you not put distance between us. I can handle anything but that. Being parted from you is worse than any imaginable torture. And it is not a question of I cannot continue without you, because I know I can. I simply don’t want to. Because without you there’s no real joy in my life. I don’t care how much we argue, when you’re here with me there’s… I don’t even know how to explain it. When we’re close like this I feel calm. I feel as if I have a purpose and I’m not simply floating around aimlessly.”

“I thought you had meant that we would be together this time, but instead I got this.”

“I needed to keep you safe, I still do.” Anurag again pulled her into an embrace.

“You don’t understand. While we may feel so others don’t see it that way. They don’t accept us. And I’m tired of fighting for something I have come to realize there’s no hope for anymore.”

Anurag placed his hand over her mouth as he urgently said, “Don’t say that. Don’t ever say that. In my heart you are my wife, you have always been my wife. You are the mother of my child and the only one to hold all rights over me. No one, not even my mother has all the rights over me.This was not what either of us wanted or imagined. We can only do the best with the situation, and I need you to trust me to make things right, but one thing I can assure you it is that we will be together soon. I just need you to trust me on this and that whatever I’m doing is for your safety. So will you just give me a little more time to arrange everything properly. I did not initially have enough time since your safety was my main priority.”

Prerna remained silent for sometime before nodding.