Chapter 60

Batool Imran

@nav_bat

"I ran from the campsite you know, because I had a dream. People have it when they sleep I was having it when I was wide awake, isn't that surprising? (She looks at Vivek who just nods) I thought so too, and that's why I ran away from the place everyone was having a bonfire, because I realized right then that I had fallen in love with him, and I coudnt seem to control it, which for an instance worried me, but I let it go, because I trusted him..but.." Her voice trails off, and she becomes quiet, her features sober, losing that urge to speak any more, while he sat silent beside her carefully noticing her strained features. Rambling helped her get over trouble. It had always been like that, or at least as far as he knew. He knew she was going to talk some more, because the pain hadn't left her still, it never would that much was clear, but it could lessen down, and well for what it was worth he could atleast do this much for her.

"The dream. Well, it was a dream one of a kind, and it is always going to be a dream only. A fragment of my imagination. A dream. (her voice seemed to break). I was in a blue gown. It was a royal blue, his favorite kind of blue, but I prefer sky blue more than it, but that's fine it was atleast blue, and I love blue. We were in the campsite, nobody else was there, in fact I was alone, and then suddenly I felt him creeping up from behind, holding me from the waist. That was the closest proximity we have ever been, or I consciously remember. I touched his cheek, my hands were cold, he seemed to know that, but he didn't say anything, he was just staring at me, smiling that lop sided smile of his that I love. I didn't know when he had hoisted me off the ground, and I looked down at him still smiling, my nose touching his, it was like a fairytale I think, the kind of fairytales that you can only hear about but never see. I could cry with the love I saw emitting from his eyes, and I did actually cry you know, atleast there was a single tear that fell from my eyes, which landed on his palm. He extended his hand towards the stars that were shining upwards, and blew the tear in that direction making it a star as well. Wonderful isn't it?" Khushi quieted down again,and for a single moment Vivek felt that he didn't want to listen anymore because it was too much of a torture on her, he had undoubtedly seen a flicker of happiness on her face when she was realting the dream sequence, and he yearned for her that someday it would be true, he believed with all his heart that it would be. He wasn't fond of Arnav was a fact, but the guy was worth his Chun's trust and love was another fact that he was not going to deny.

"But it was just a dream." Khushi said after some while, her tone hollow and expressionless, making Vivek literally lose his grip on the steering wheel, and it was only at the moment consciousness that he gained, that he had avoided losing control of the car completely. She sat like a mannequin on the seat beside him, almost lifeless, and maybe the helplessness he felt well, it was the worst anybody could have ever felt. She was in pain and he could nothing about it, because for what it was worth, he had no idea how to take her pain away.

Benaam rishta woh
Benaam rishta woh, bechain karta jo
Ho na sake jo beyaan, darmiyaan Darmiyaan...

(Nameless relationship that it was

Nameless relationship that it was, restless is what it made

What cannot be expressed, in between, in between)

"Do you think I am selfish?" Khushi asked suddenly, taking Vivek completely off guard, and for a moment he felt like stopping the car on a halt, and shake her badly enough so she would be back to being herself, but he did nothing of that sort just raised a questioning eye brow at her.

"Do you think I am selfish? Because I think I am. (her face looking down, a sign of embarrassment and regret) I don't deserve a best friend like you." She said solemnly, her eyes wandering aimlessly on the streaked denim jeans that her thighs were covered in, no will in her to look up to meet his eyes, which were a mixed emotion of fury, and disappointment.

"Yes you don't. (Khushi lifts her head up) When you say that you don't deserve me." Vivek said in vexation, his eyes reflecting the deep displeasure he felt at the kind of thoughts that were roaming about in her head. Khushi stayed quiet her head downcast, and the rest of the ride no one said anything until they were getting out of the car right in front of Gupta house. Vivek rang the bell still holding Khushi's hand firmly in case she was unable to support her weight or something like that, and since she wasn't resisting to it, it only seemed the right thing to do.

Moments later the door opened, and Aparna stood on the door, throwing her arms around Khushi, hugging her tightly, with complaining about why she lied an stuff, all the while Khushi maintain her silent composure. Vivek led the pair of them inside, more and more troubled by Khushi's assumption of a statue figure, and it was clear that Aparna had sensed it too, since she had stopped crying and had now sobered down examining Khushi's dull features with worry.

"Khushi? Whats going on?" Aparna asked her voice heavy with all the crying she had done and the increased sense of worry that she felt for her daughter now. Khushi looked up at her mother, meeting her eyes for a brief second, shattering emotions within her taking place.

"Can we talk about this later?" Khushi said he voice almost unaudible, and even though Aparna wanted to know on immediate basis what had happened, she nodded and Khushi got up from her seat walking away quietly to her room.

"Vivek will you please talk to her about it? She needs someone to share it with, whatever is troubling her, if not me, will you?" Aparna asked, reaching out for Viveks hand who squeezed her hands assuringly and nodded, getting up from his seat to go inside Khushi's room, when for a brief moment considering the recent situation he stopped, facing a dismayed Aparna.

"Food." He uttered the single word, it taking her hardly a few 2 minutes to get dinner ready for her, handing over the tray to Vivek, who gave her a small thankful smile and proceeded towards home, stopping once again before he entered.

"You should let the Raizada's know she's now at home and fine." Vivek reminded her, and Aparna returned him a small smile, patting his back moving in the other end towards the cod lace and Vivek moving inside Khushi's room, leaving the door ajarly open behind him.

Inside the room Khushi was sitting crossed leg on the floor, her back leaning against the plank of her bed, eyes staring out into the emptiness of the wall in front of her. It was blue, and there was nothing worth noticing in it, but she was staring at it as if their were hidden communications going in between them and her.

"You ever noticed that his and my room are painted with the same color contrast?" she asked him in a robotic tone, her eyes lifting off the wall in front of her, and looking at Vivek who was standing motionless with the tray of food in his hand, eyeing her inquisitively.

"I did. That's the first thing I saw when I entered your room for the first time." He said truthfully, still searching her eyes for any another emotion other than hurt, any positive emotion but it seemed sorrow had blanketed on her eyes pretty deeply, there was nothing but it reflecting in the hollow hazy brown pupil of hers.

"Do you know right now I wish I never knew him? Never fell in love with him?" Khushi said her voice below human hearing range, and still faintly audible to Vivek who had begun to walk towards her, and keeping the tray on the floor, sat beside her crossed legged.

"It is one of the things you cant choose. You cant really choose who to love and who to not. You can choose to be or not to be with them, but not really choose if you want to know them or not." Vivek told her, his eyes briefly meeting with hers for a second, but then lingered away to pull the tray of food in front of the two of them, picking up the knife and cutting out a think slice of pie for her. He picked it up and extending towards her mouth, she staring at blankly not even near to eating it at all.

"Eat Chun. Staying hungry, wont make anyone think you are strong." He said, picking on her softest spot so she would budge and eat, even if it mean being rude to her a little. Her eyes narrowed for a second, and he knew next her mouth would open and so it did, him taking the chance and stuff a considerable piece of the slice he had cut into her mouth, withdrawing when he thought stuffing more was going to choke her. The crunch of the ingredients of the pie, was the only sound around them for a few seconds until she swallowed the thing, her mouth now free to speak.

"You haven't eaten yourself have you? (She cuts out a slice of pie and extends it towards his mouth) Staying hungry, wont make anyone think you care." She said, that hint of sarcasm not leaving her worried tone, and a small smile automatically lit up his face, him opening his mouth as she stuffed the piece of pie into his mouth. Both of them ate in silence for quite some while, the occasional sounds of munching found, and sipping juice around them, but no concrete human talk taking place between them.

"How did you find me?" She asked him chomping on the last piece of pie left, her eyes darting to and fro all over his face, as he sipped juice forcing the food down, and looked up to answer her question then.

"I played Sherlock Holmes you see. There was a supposed pattern in all the thing you were doing, things you hate, and I just had to figure out a place you hate so your mom told me you hate park, and were penniless too, so, that's how I found you." He said, trying to hide the fury and edge in his voice that he felt when she had disappeared like nobody would know that she didn't exist.

"I am glad you found me. I was waiting to be found, and somewhere I knew you would be the one finding me." She told him, that touch of gratefulness not being missed by him, but he didn't show any reaction that he noticed it, and just looked at her icily for a moment, breaking eye contact with her almost immediately.

"You didn't have to do that you know. Disappear. You scared the shit out of me Chun. If this is some way of saying sorry, then I refuse to accept it. You could have literally freezed yourself to death in that park." Vivek rumbled, scorning all over his face, and a hand on his shoulder of hers, lifted him off his bad mood.

"I know. This wasn't a way of saying sorry, I'd have to do something meaningful to show you how sorry I am. I just..I just wanted to be away for a second. It hurts when you put out all your time and energy into someone and it falls apart like it was never there. I wanted to get as far..as I could...where no one could even as much prick me..but sitting there alone I realized that there was no point in running. I was thinking about so many people, Maa, the Raizada's , all my friends, Arnav, and then I thought..about you..and I knew that running away would be an even bigger mistake than what I did today. I just coudnt leave you behind." She said, her voice out of breathe, because of the croaky flow she was speaking in, her eyes stinging with un shed tears, face flushed with red colour, a sign of her blood vessels dilating underneath her skin.

"Yeah exactly. I don't know what I would have done if you had vanished like that. Maybe nothing. Maybe I would have lived, because nobody stops living when someone goes, only that living this time would be different. By definition I'd be living, and inside I would be dead." He said, his own tone a bit distorted now, muffled by the emotions that he trying to coax down his throat, so that they wouldn't come up and cause distress to him.

Khushi quieted down her head hanging low, even Vivek training his eyes to look around her dimly lit room, instead of her, who he knew was taking he time gathering herself back in one piece.

"I am sorry Vivek. For every single thing. I am just sorry. I'll be honest, I don't know what to do to make things better, they always seem to end up getting worse when I step in, and I don't want to spoil anything with anyone anymore, specially you. I have been independent, and have learned that that's the right thing to do, but today, right now, I really want to depend on you. I really need you in my life. I know this is me being very selfish, thinking about myself, but I cant help it. I am..I am just like this." Khushi said her eyes watery, tears finally cascading down her cheeks making her cheeks glow, her forehead wrinkled, and face flushed with blood, eyes apologetically piercing into Vivek's soul. Vive inched in closer to her, and cupped her face in his hands, his eyes meeting with hers, delivering the strength that she so craved for right now.

"Its alright Chun. I'll try being there for you, where its possible, I am sorry I cant promise forever to you, I don't know if I will be living a forever or not, so there's no point in making you belive in one. But you should know, that when I am physically absent, mentally I shall always connect with you no matter what. You get me Chun? There's nothing wrong in being selfish, and thinking about yourself, that is something that should be your priority all the time, but don't let yourself be too conscious of it, that you end up harming yourself." He explained, and her eyes began to water some more, the tears making her cheeks damp, trickling down Vivek's fingers that her placed on her two cheeks. Vivek crept in closer to her, and hugged her tight, longing to do that for quite some while, the combined emotions of happiness, fear, joy, repentance, relief all flowing through the two of them. Khushi kept her head on his shoulder, her tears falling aimlessly down her cheeks, now more rapidly but it was not like she cared, she has gotten the person she feared most of losing back, right now and that's the only thing that ever mattered to her. It was true that more than anyone else, she needed him to get out of the storm that she had herself helped in creating.

They pulled away together, none of them wanting to be the first one to go and she smiled broadly at him, even if it was watery, but what was more important was that she was glad to do it again, extremely glad to be able to smile again, when she had almost completely lost hope that she would ever be able to do that again. She straightened up leaning her back against the wooden plank of the bed, and kept her head on his shoulder, to which he gave no response she smiled softly to himself.

"Did Vishaka say something to you?" she asked, purely for conversation purposes, even though she had a good idea of what Vishaka might have said to Vivek.

"No." he lied effortlessly, not finding it any good to tell about the raspy discussion that had taken place between him and Vishaka. There was no point in telling her, it would only make her already complex life much more complex.

"She must have told you that I said I coudnt talk to you. And that I was selfish, and that all my threats to her were just words. I had little in me to stand up with you when I should have. Isnt it?" Khushi asked him again, her tone still sot, not giving away any emotion, and she had convincingly ignored Vivek's answer too, knowing very well that he'd try to hide stuff from her right now.

Vivek looked down at her curiously, but when she didn't meet his eye or look at him, he took that as a gesture that he could stop playing foul, since she just knew him better than he knew himself.

"She did say all of that. But I told her that it was our problem, and we could solve it." He replied shortly, and she just nodded in the position she was saying no more, a gazillion more questions running inside her mind but she wasn't sure if she had courage to ask any of those, more appropriately listen to the answer of any of those. She wanted to know if Arnav had talked to anyone about what had happened, she wanted to know why he did all of this, but somewhere she coudnt get herself to hear any of it. It was like Vivek had already read her mind that he answered her question immediately.

"Arnav did come and talk to me. (Khushi nods to acknowledge that she's listening) He said he needed time to figure out himself. I told him you wouldn't wait forever. " He told her in an aggravated, maniac like tone, and she gave her only response as nodding not offering to say anything but when her mind was clear, she felt chills of anger run through her, and a heavy sense of regret and disappointment I her heart something that she knew would never vanish from her heart for Arnav.

"Sometimes you have to let things go, so there's room for better things to come in your life." She said icily, her voice throaty and cold, the distant hatred that she felt for Arnav clearly visible in her words and tone. Vivek jerked her head a bit causing her to lift it off, and held her steady by her shoulders, his eyes rapidly communicating with hers.

"If you really love him learn to wait. Maybe you are not meant to be together today, but meant to be in the future. Even if it's a flicker of hopelessness, you have to keep a flicker of hope up that you still have a shot at being his Katniss" Vivek told her his voice serious, and not delusional, he wasn't trying to play foul her, he just wanted her ideas to be crystal clear about Arnav, even if he didn't know the boy well, he knew he had good intentions, and that some day he would realize and come back, he just hoped he wouldn't be too late.

"How can you of all people say that? Be optimistic about him? I thought you hated him for me." Khushi said surprised raising her eyes, at him, trying to study the comprehensive look on his face but he remained silent for a few seconds then spoke to himself.

"No. I don't hate him. I have no idea where you got that idea from, I don't hate him, I am just too possessive of you. I don't trust him to not hurt you, I know he eventually will somehow, just like today and that's why I warned. Its not only him, had it been any other boy it would have been the same thing, I don't trust anybody enough to not hurt you, even myself, but then I have little more trust on myself then on others. That's it. It's the same thing that you have for Vishaka don't you? (Khushi looks at him quizzically) There is no point in hiding from me Chun, I know you don't really like Vishaka for me. And you think I deserve better. You are bound to think so, because you are my best friend, and it's the same case with me, I am bound to think you deserve better even if you get the best. Its natural and we cant do anything about it, but that really doesn't mean that I'll try coming in between the two of you or draw you apart on purpose. Nor I know will you do anything of that sort to drive me away from Vishaka. We aren't bitches. We know who matters to each of us, and we aim to keep those people close, right?" Vivek said grimly, his entire form reflecting all the different emotions that were running through him, and somehow he felt relaxed to clear this single point between him and his Chun because well it was quite probable that this would cause problems later if it wasn't sorted out right now.

"Right. *pause* (Her forehead wrinkled into thinking) Wait a minute how do you know about the Katniss thing? I thought you didn't even know what I was talking about." Khushi said startled, her mind reverting back to the memories of her mentioning it to Vivek and him instead had told her to go to sleep since her mind had become over active and she was talking creepy stuff.

"All of your mood changes these days are related to him only, so I thought this might be as well" he answered back normally, surprised that she did not realize such a normal thing on her own accord.

"Seriously?" she asked back startled, apparently not aware that Arnav's presence had so much effect on her mood, this made her mind churn with countless thoughts of the relationship she had with him.

"In that case maybe he can be my Peeta, but erm..erm..what chance are there that I can be his Katniss too?" she mumbled away to herself, but audible enough for Vivek to listen,w ho had this crazy kind of expression on his face, hearing her talking crazily to herself, that too all nonsense.

"Chun Bye. Go to sleep for some while your minds working over time, I don't want to find you in the mental asylum tomorrow" he told her cheekily, and waited for her to say something but realizing that she might be too consumed up in thought to reply disconnected the line on his own shaking his head on the craziness of his best friend.

"I had this vague impression that you had lost it so I didn't mention. But I know what you meant, and I seriously believe you have a shot at being Katniss for him. Yeah it sounds ridiculous after what has happened, but we can always wait for some time. No harm. And for the record, I have read the Hunger Games 8 friggin times so I am a whiz at it." Vivek informed her, and her mouth dropped open, typical Khushi style, eyeing him like a crazed fool.

Benaam rishta woh
Benaam rishta woh, bechain karta jo
Ho na sake jo beyaan, darmiyaan Darmiyaan...

(Nameless relationship that it was

Nameless relationship that it was, restless is what it made

What cannot be expressed, in between, in between)

"8 times? The hell dude?" She exploded, and he grinned at her, as she broke into a cute smile, shaking her head to and fro registering his own craziness in her head.

"Obsessed much?"

"You can say that. I fell in love with Katniss" he said winking at her, and she punched him hard, both of the laughing out loud when she suddenly sobered up her eyes a bit hollow, tears springing up in them, hurt, and disappointment showing in them.

"I wish Arnav would say that." She said in a self talking tone, Vive losing his smile and looking at her seriously, both of them inside unaware of the quiet intruder that had been standing outside the door from a long time now, looking through the ajarly opened door inside. He and Arjun Raizada had arrived quite a while before, when Aparna had informed them of Khushi returning back home, and while Arjun had proceeded towards steading Aparna, Arnav was about to go inside, in a good mind to give Khushi a good telling off for vanishing like that, but then he had noticed Vivek inside and decided to just listen to their conversation from the door.

Right now, he felt glad that he hadn't gone inside, because everything that he had heard, had made it quiet clear, that she despised him now, she didn't want to see any of him, and yet she still somewhere craved for him, and of what it was, all of it broke him into hundred pieces, a feeling that he was foreign too until today. Small tear drops fell from his eyes, and for the first time in years, maybe the only time since he had matured, Arnav Singh Raizada wanted a shoulder to cry on. Her shoulder.

"I wish I could say that too." He mumbled to himself, full of regret and helplessness, his head down, and wiping the tears off his face, he looked in the direction of his father, who was now staring at his stationary, fragile form curiously.

"Paa I want to go home. Let's go." Arnav told him in a croaky low voice, and Arjun nodded, looking at Aparna worriedly who gave him a assuring smile, and he got up from the sofa walking towards a disorientated Arnav who more than anybody else wanted to run away from all of it. The suffering that was unbearable.