Chapter 6

~ CHAPTER 6 ~

Fourteen Years Ago, St. Mary's Church, Delhi :

"Thou shall not kill...Thou shall not steal" Father Sebastian's firm voice reverberated through the church interiors.

Ten year old Khushi wiggled in the church pew trying to get into a comfortable position. Today they had a special Sunday school for the kids of the orphanage. They had to be very quiet when Father Sebastian was giving sermon and Khushi being Khushi, found long minutes of inactivity quite impossible.

"Thou shall not commit adultery..." Father Sebastian carried on with his sermon unaware of the restlessness of one of the children.

"Khushi, be quiet" Annette hissed in her ears as Khushi fidgeted some more. Annette was an older girl at the orphanage. Today she had the responsibility of looking after the younger kids. Another couple of minutes later Khushi tugged on Annette's dress sleeves.

"What is it Khushi?" Annette whispered back.

"Didi...What is an adult tree? Is that a big tree?" Khushi asked troubled. She loved climbing trees and was worried if there was some tree they must not climb.

Annette held back the smile threatening her lips "It's not a tree Khushi, it's a sin"

"A sin? What's a sin?"

"A sin is a bad bad thing Khushi. We must never do these bad things" Annette tried to explain in simple terms "Adultery is when you betray your loved one's, when you cheat them. And you know people will feel hurt when betrayed right?"

Khushi nodded her head vigorously, her eyes wide.

"So, The good book says it is a bad thing to do things which will hurt others. We must not do such bad things and always follow the right path. Okay?" Annette whispered stroking Khushi's hair.

Khushi nodded solemnly and listened to the sermon more carefully after that.

Present Day, Gonsalves Resorts, Goa :

"Khushi please open the door...I'm sorry"

Khushi choked back the sob and hid her tear streaked face in the pillow as she heard Arnavji's pleading voice through the closed door. She had run all the way back to her room from the beach and crumpled down as soon as the door was locked. How could he do such a thing? How could she let him do such a thing? She wept bitterly as more tears of self-revulsion streamed from her eyes. She had betrayed all her beliefs and morals she had been so careful to follow since her childhood.

"Thou shall not commit adultery...Thou shall not commit adultery" Khushi tried to block the voice ringing in her ears with her hands. Did passive participation also come under adultery? Khushi couldn't seem to control her tears.

"Khushi...Please tell me you are all right..."

"GO AWAY..." Khushi didn't get up from the bed. Was it only this afternoon that she had enjoyed a dreamless nap on this very bed? It felt so far ago.

"Khushi please..I just need to make sure you are okay. I won't..." he swallowed "I won't touch you. I'm so sorry Khushi...Please"

"I don't want to see you...Please leave me ALONE!"

Arnav's shoulders slumped as he turned away defeated from the door. Thankfully there weren't anybody out and about on their floor to see his fall from grace. He unlocked the door and went inside his room. How could he have lost control over himself like that? He didn't know what had come over him. He could only think that all the disappointments in life had just crowded him and he had just shattered. The dam he had built over the years in his mind had fragmented spectacularly and the consequence had been catastrophic. He had not only destroyed the trust Khushi had in him, he has almost certainly lost the only ray of sunshine to come into his life.

Was love' not written in his life at all? Was he doomed to spend his life without even a crumb of tenderness?

More importantly, how would he ever look Khushi in the eyes after what he had done? He reflected tiredly and closed his eyes.

{BG}

Mujhe yoon hi kar ke khwaabon se juda
Jaane kahan chhup ke baitha hai khuda
Jaanu na main kab hua khud se gumshuda
Kaise jiyun rooh bhi mujhse hai juda

I don't know where God has hidden himself,
After separating me from my dreams
I don't know when I lost myself
How do I live, even my soul is away from me

Kyun main jaagoon
Aur woh sapne bo raha hai
Kyun mera rab yun
Aankhien khole so raha hai
Kyun main jaagoon

Why do I wake up?
And He is sowing more dreams
Why is my God sleeping with open eyes...?

Why do I wake up?

-----xxx-----

The flight back was spent in agonizing silence. Khushi's normally expressive face had been devoid of all emotions but Arnav could see from the red rimmed eyes that she had spent an equally disturbed night as him. She blocked all of Arnav's attempts to talk to her. He tried to apologize a couple of times but looking at Khushi's stoic demeanor, he refrained from further attempts and decided to speak to her once they reach Delhi. But once back in Delhi, Khushi declined the transport he offered to take her home and persisted on hailing a taxi. Though Arnav wanted to object, he had to relent because of the very public location of the airport. He looked on as Khushi climbed into the taxi and go away from him with a peculiar ache in his chest.

{BG}

Raet bani haathon se yoon beh gayi
Takdeer meri bikhri har jagah
Kaise likhun phir se nayi daastan
Gham ki siyahi dikhti hai kahan

My fate spilled everywhere from my hands,
Like sand...
How do I write a new tale,
I can't find the ink of grief to write with...

Raahein jo chuni hain meri thi raza
Rehta hoon kyun phir khud se hi khafa
Aisi bhi huyi thi mujhse kya khata
Tune jo mujhe di jeene ki saza

The paths I chose was my will
Then why do I remain angry with myself..?
What was the mistake that I had made that
you punished me to live..?

-----xxx-----

Khushi was glad it was Friday. It was her last day of working for ASR. On Monday Mrs. D'Mello would be back and she would be assigned to a different dept. Khushi knew that after having worked for ASR personally she wouldn't be going back to the pool now. She would need to meet with the HR Head to see to whom she was assigned next. But before that she had the weekend to get back some semblance of normalcy. She needed to clear her tangled thoughts before she came face to face with Arnavji again.

Khushi cleaned the whole house from top to bottom on Friday. They had reached back fairly early from Goa. So she got more than half day to finish the task. But even tired to the bone at the end of the day, when she fell asleep, the last thing on her mind was Arnavji's confession and the kiss. And her reaction to it. Her initial reaction.

On Saturday, she did the laundry, arranged all her cupboards, went grocery shopping and cooked a heap of Jalebi's. Jalebi was her favorite comfort food but even that failed to give her the comfort she sought. Once her head hit the pillow she still dreamed about Arnavji. And the confession.

On Sunday, Khushi realized the futility of her chores after trying her hand in several household duties non-stop. Nothing was working.

It wasn't just Arnavji's actions and words she wanted forget. She also wanted to forget how she had felt in those moments in his arms. During the dance, during the kiss. How much ever she wanted to place the whole blame on Arnavji, she couldn't. Yes. He was wrong in approaching her when he was committed. Yes. He was wrong to feel those kind of emotions for her and burden her with them when he wasn't free to act on them. But, hadn't she fantasized about him prior to it? And all the while being aware of his marital status? What about her response before the reality had intruded during the kiss?

Most significantly, What about that spark of elation she had felt when he had confessed he loved her?

And there lay the root of all her resentment and frustration. She was disgusted with Arnavji, yes, but she was also disgusted with herself. She had not been able to forget that single momentary exhilaration she had felt in that moment before the kiss. She had been happy in that unguarded moment that Arnavji loved her. Did that mean?

NO! No..No..NO. It wasn't true. She wouldn't be so foolish as to------- Khushi didn't let herself complete the forbidden thought and immersed herself in another bout of domestic task.

In the midst of all, she ignored all the 38 missed calls from Arnav Singh Raizada.

-----xxx-----

Arnav strode into his office on Monday morning extremely exhausted. He hadn't been able to rest for a single minute in the 3 days knowing Khushi probably, and rightfully, hated him now. He had to talk to her today. He couldn't go on like this. He would do anything, anything, for her to forgive him. As he entered his cabin, he noticed the cup of coffee on the table and Arnav felt buoyed. But as he lifted the mug, he knew it wasn't made by Khushi. There was no peculiar spicy aroma emerging from it. It smelt just like his usual coffee did, before Khushi.

"Good morning Sir"

Arnav lifted his eyes and found a healthy Irene D'Mello, albeit a visibly thinner one, standing on the doorway. He brushed off his own disappointment and gloomy mood in not finding Khushi and wished her warmly and queried her about her health. After the small talk his secretary, his permanent secretary, reminded him about the board meeting in 15 minutes. Arnav was besieged with work appointments one after the other and he didn't get a chance to meet Khushi the whole day.

Khushi let a sigh of relief as the day closed without her meeting Arnavji. She had come in early and was consigned to the executive wing as the assistant of Aman Mathur, an R & D executive. His secretary had just left on an extended maternity leave. He was an affable fellow in mid-thirties and Khushi's first day went by in a breeze.

Khushi reached back home by 6, a novelty for her since beginning work at the management level, finished making dinner and went to take a shower. Afterwards she had her dinner, a light affair with just dal and chawal, and took her coffee to the balcony to gaze at the stars. When she had been inconsolable after her parents death, Sister Josephine had convinced her that her parents looked after her from above in the form of stars. She still found solace in that belief. Whenever she felt alone, she looked at the stars and began to talk to them.

"Amma, Bauji...What should I do? What I feel for him. I know it's wrong. But why can't I stop it?" she pressed a hand on her chest over where her heart lay "It hurts here Amma when I think about him...What should I do?"

The stars blinked and shone but there was no reply. No one could help her, Khushi blinked her tears and shut her eyes. Nothing gave her peace anymore. Not even the stars. She hated him for taking that away from her!

Suddenly the doorbell chimed indicating that someone was at the door. Khushi looked at the time. 8'o clock. Who could it be at this hour?

"Who is it?" Khushi enquired cautiously as she walked to the door.

There was a momentary silence on the other end then she heard it "It's me Khushi"

Khushi froze where she was hearing Arnavji's voice. She wasn't ready. She just wasn't ready to face him. She looked around frantically for a way of escape.

"Khushi..Please open the door. I won't stay for long, I promise" Arnavji's soft imploring voice sounded again.

Khushi still couldn't move from where she stood.

"Please Khushi..I..I Just need to talk to you" as he continued to plead, at last Khushi made herself move to the door and opened it reluctantly. She needed to get this over once and for all.

"Thank you Khushi" Arnav tentatively walked in relieved. Khushi didn't ask him to be seated neither did he expect her to. He began hesitantly.

"I'm really sorry Khushi for what happened in Goa. I wasn't..wasn't in my senses that night. Please forgive me"

"Oh..It's so easy for you to say isn't it?" Khushi's bitterness came to the fore even as she tried to squash it "You ask my forgiveness and I forgive you. Then all your mistakes are washed out"

"No Khushi..I..." Khushi went on not allowing him to speak.

"What about me Arnavji? What should I do? Did I ask for this guilt? You unburdened yourself of your feelings with me, but have you ever thought if I was ready for that burden? What should I do now Arnavji? How do I get rid of this sickening feeling that I have sinned?"

"Khushi..I'm..."

"Oh..I know you're all apologetic now, aren't you? Did you even think about the fact that you're married before making such a cheap, disgusting claim?" she bit out bitterly.

"KHUSHI...!" Khushi was startled to hear him raise his voice. He had never raised his voice to her till now. Arnav crossed the distance and held her by her shoulders "DON'T EVER CALL MY LOVE DISGUSTING! You may call me a jerk, scold me, hit me. You have the right. But don't ever call my love cheap. I know I was wrong to burden you with it, Not when I wasn't free. I was being selfish, I KNOW. But my love is not sordid. "

Khushi shrugged his arms off her and screamed "BUT I DON'T LOVE YOU Arnavji. I DON'T CARE FOR YOU. Whether you live or die, doesn't matter to me. Mujhe koi farak nahin padta!"

Arnav staggered back as if struck. Khushi too was horrified by the venom spewing from her mouth.

"Arnavji..I..I didn't..I didn't mean...Arnavji...ARNAVJI..."

Arnav had already turned around and walked out of her apartment. She came out of her trance some minutes later and ran down to the parking lot only to see Raghu standing there near the car looking unsettled.

"Where is Arnavji..?" Khushi asked alarmed. Raghu spun around at the voice and saluted to her.

"Oh Memsaab. I'm not sure. He came out looking disturbed and just waked out that way. When I called him he just waved me to go home. What happened Memsaab...MEMSAAB?"

Khushi didn't wait for him to finish and hurried to the direction Raghu had indicated. After searching for around 10 mins on the streets of Delhi, she found Arnav walking, looking lost, along the main road not even noticing that he was almost on the road. He seemed to be still in shock. Khushi began walking faster to reach him.

{BG}

Kyun meri raahein mujhse poochhein
Ghar kahan hai
Kyun mujhse aa ke
Dastak poochhe dar kahan hai

Why do my paths ask me where my home is...
Why does knock ask me where the door is...

Raahein aisi jinki manzil hi nahin
Dhoondho mujhe ab main rehta hoon wahin
Dil hai kahin aur dhadkan hai kahin
Saansein hain magar kyun zinda main nahin

Search me on the paths which have no destination,
I stay there...
Heart and heartbeats are at different places,
Though I'm breathing, why I'm not alive...?

Arnav wished he could block the jumbled voices in his head as his feet moved on aimlessly not caring where they led. But the voices in his head were gaining strength slowly. He couldn't distinguish between them anymore. They all had tangled into a single confused muddle.

"I don't care if you live die Arnavji..Mujhe koi fark nahin padta!"

"One day you will lose your love and then you will realize what I'm going through"

"You are a monster, a murderer! You don't deserve to be happy"

"I don't care about you Arnavji"

Arnav clapped his hands on his ears to obstruct the noises and stop the games his mind was playing on him. He couldn't take it anymore. He turned around trying to get away from the disturbing clamor not noticing the oncoming car.

*THUD*

Khushi looked on horrified as the car hit Arnav Singh Raizada head on. Her world went quiet all of a sudden. She couldn't hear anything, couldn't feel anything. A strange ominous silence permeated the surroundings. Her mind felt separate from her body. She could see herself running but couldn't feel it.

"Arnavji..." she whispered brokenly.

Suddenly the world came back into focus and she pushed the people. who had encircled him, like a woman possessed to reach his side.

"ARNAVJI..."

Arnav's last thought before the world blacked out was that may be she did care after all.

{BG}

Kyun main jaagoon
Aur woh sapne bo raha hai
Kyun mera rab yun
Aankhien khole so raha hai
Kyun main jaagoon

Why do I wake up?
And He is sowing more dreams
Why is my God sleeping with open eyes...?

Why do I wake up?

{Kyun Main Jagoon - Patiala House}

~END OF CHAPTER # 6 ~

[NOCOPY]