Strange Feelings

3 years ago

alina.b

@alina.b

After seeing Shravan’s genuine efforts to seek my forgiveness, my heart melted and I decided that he deserved another chance. He looked at me with big eyes and asked, “Wait, for real? You forgive me? Does this mean we’re friends again?” 

I couldn’t help but smile at his excitement. He really was a little kid at heart. I laughed, “Yes, we are friends. But, promise me that you’ll never lie again”.

He frowned, “I learnt my lesson well. No more lying!”. 

There had been one thing on my mind that kept bothering me since the party and only Shravan could answer that question. I took a deep breath, “At the party, Anish said that the girl you liked was me. Is that true?”

He looked down nervously and stuttered, “I...the thing is...ever since…”

I cut him off. Suddenly, I was afraid to know his answer. I looked away and said, “Look Shravan, you are a good friend and I really hope you weren’t anticipating anything more than friendship to happen between us because I’m not ready for anything like that in my life. We can never be anything more than friends”. I wanted to make my intentions clear with him. I am focused on my goal to join the army and don’t have the time to be emotionally invested in a romantic relationship. I touched his elbow gently and said, “I really hope nothing changes between us”. 

He smiled, “Of course, I’m just glad that you’ve forgiven me”. He averted his gaze and said, “By the way, that girl I was talking about wasn’t you. It was someone else. So you don’t need to worry about me developing any feelings for you. We will always be good friends”. 

For some reason, I felt slightly disappointed at his answer. “Oh...so, who was it?”

He gave a smirk and winked, “Let’s save that for another day”. 

Months went by and with every passing day, Shravan and my friendship grew deeper. I loved spending time with him. He was easy to talk to and always made me laugh. I’ve had a lot of friends before but Shravan was different. I don’t know what drew me to him. He is everything that I disapprove of: He’s reckless, doesn’t follow rules, and lives life on his own terms. Yet, despite being so different, I feel like no one understands me better than him. I find myself trusting him so much that I tell him things I’ve never told anyone before. He listens so intently as if my words are the most important thing on earth. I’ve never met anyone like him before.

I broke out of my thoughts as the class bell rang and I looked around. He wasn’t in class yet. Did he even come to school today? Then, I remembered that he went to a party last night. I bet he’s probably skipping school because he has a hangover. Typical Shravan. 

During break, I messaged him: Hope you had a fun night. Don’t expect me to help you with the lesson you missed in class today. 

School had ended but Shravan still hadn’t replied to my message. He probably wants me to come meet him so he could beg me to do his homework. Although I was aware of his plan, I still wanted to see him because I missed him. I feel restless if I don’t talk to him for too long. 

I knocked at his house and Uncle opened the door. I smiled, “Hello Uncle. Is Shravan home? He didn’t come to school today so I brought his homework”.

“Thanks for coming by, Suman Puttar! Actually, Shravan won’t be coming to school for a while. He got into a minor accident last night”. 

My heart dropped and I frantically asked, “Accident? Is he okay? Is he hurt?” 

Uncle chuckled, “He’s fine. It was a bike accident and he has a couple of fractures. Don’t worry too much about this spoiled boy”. 

“Can I go see him?” I became really worried for Shravan. 

“Yes, of course! He’s been sleeping all day because of his medicines. He needs to wake up or he’ll become even more lazy”. 

I quickly walked up to Shravan’s room. I spent so much time in his house that I could walk to his room with my eyes closed. I slowly opened his door and saw him sleeping peacefully as he gently smiled in his sleep. I wonder what he was dreaming about? I ran my fingers through his soft hair as he would never let me touch it if he was awake. This might sound odd but lately I’ve been noticing that Shravan has a really warm smile and expressive eyes that make me feel a certain way. Did he always look like this? I snapped out of my thoughts as Shravan stirred in his sleep. 

It was time to wake this boy up but I wanted to annoy him. I missed him so much and he had me so worried. It was time for payback. Usually, I never did pranks on anyone but Shravan was an exception. I felt very comfortable with him. I poured water on his face and yelled his name. He woke up startled, “AHH!! Crazy girl! What is wrong with you?” He threw his pillow at me. I laughed uncontrollably seeing his reaction. 

Suddenly, I noticed that he wasn’t wearing a shirt and turned around. I felt a tickle arise in my stomach and my heart fluttered. I often got this feeling when I saw Shravan. I shut my eyes tightly and angrily said, “Ugh Shravan! Who sleeps without a shirt?”

Shravan scoffed, “Who walks into someone’s room without their permission? Can you please pass me the shirt that’s in front of you?” I threw the shirt over my shoulder to him. He chuckled, “Oof! Wow Brigadier Sumo, you managed to throw the shirt in my face even without looking. I’m quite impressed”.

He was starting to annoy me again with his smooth talk. I wasn’t like the other girls who would fall for his charming ways. Wait...did I just call him charming? No, I meant annoying. I put my hands on my hip and said, “Shravan, shut up and wear your shirt quickly. I have to talk to you”.

He started wearing his shirt and suddenly I heard him say ouch. I turned around and saw him struggling to put on his shirt as his arm was fractured. 

His eyes widened and he yelled, “What are you doing? Turn around!” He covered himself with one arm and I smiled at his reaction. He acts all confident and cool but he has his moments when he becomes shy and self-conscious. It’s when I get to see the vulnerable side of him. 

I stepped forward to help him wear his shirt. He froze when my fingertips touched his warm skin and I felt a tingle go through my body. What was happening to me? His eyes met mine and he looked away. Did he feel that tingle too? He looked down and blushed. I sat next to him and put my arm around his neck, “It’s okay, Buddy. No need to feel embarrassed”. 

He rolled his eyes and said, “You saying that makes me feel even more embarrassed. Why are you here?” I punched his non-fractured arm and he looked at me with shock. “Ow! Seriously, what is wrong with you? Are you trying to break my other arm?” 

“Well, that’s what you deserve! Do you know how worried I was about you? How did the accident happen? Were you driving rashly again? Please don’t tell me you were drunk!” I was always afraid that Shravan’s reckless ways would get him hurt one day.

Shravan covered my mouth, “I will be able to answer your questions if you give me a chance to speak. No, I wasn’t driving rashly nor was I drunk. Another bike ran into me and I fell. You know, I would never purposely hurt my bike...she’s my jaan”. 

Even in a moment like this, Shravan somehow finds a way to joke around. “How many fractures do you have? Are you hurt anywhere else? How long will it take to heal?”

He pouted, “You know, Papa said that my jaan will be in the repair shop for a month because there was significant damage. What will I do without her?” 

I whacked his arm again, “I’m asking about you! Not your bike!”

He smiled and said, “I’m fine, don’t worry. I fractured my right arm and leg. Doctors said bed rest for a couple of days and then I can start physical therapy. Also, it’s not just a bike...it’s my one and only true love”. 

I shook my head and said, “Bunty is right. You’re such a drama queen”. He laughed and I found myself admiring his smile again. I slowly said, “You know, school was pretty boring without you today”. 

He raised his eyebrows, “Really? I was pretty bored too. I missed Anish a lot”. I wrinkled my nose. He missed Anish? His so-called nemesis? He continued talking, “My day doesn’t feel complete unless I make that Dhumketu angry”. What about me? Did he even miss me? I spent the whole day thinking about him. 

He sighed, “I’m tired of being stuck inside the house all day. Let’s sit out on the terrace. Can you help me walk?”. He rested his arm on my shoulder and I wrapped my arm firmly around his waist. He stopped in front of the mirror and looked at himself. He sighed, “I look horrible. Look at my hair!”. I looked confusedly at him. I thought he looked fine. Actually, I think he looks adorable with his messy hair. Then, my attention went to the mirror. I smiled as I thought to myself how good Shravan and I looked together. We look so perfect together as if we’re...no Suman! Don’t let these types of thoughts come into your head! 

Shravan sat down on the bench and threw his head back. I smiled as he closed his eyes and sighed as the warm rays of the sun kissed his skin. He opened one eye and asked, “Why are you staring at me? Is there something on my face?”

I averted my gaze and stuttered, “Uh..no...Oh! I forgot to tell you! I brought your homework with me”. 

He frowned, “Why are army school teachers so heartless? I can’t come to school because of my fractures and they are still making me do work? How am I even supposed to write with a broken right arm?”

I smiled, “Don’t worry, I’ll write for you! You just need to tell me what you want me to write”.

He smirked, “Hmm...how about we make the process easier and you do my homework for me?"

I whacked his arm and angrily said, “That’s cheating! Take the offer or leave it”. 

Later in the evening, Shravan and I were working on our homework. My hand was starting to hurt as I was writing both of our homework. Shravan noticed that I was in pain and took the pencil out of my hand and set it aside. I looked up at him angrily, “What are you doing? I’m fine” and reached for the pencil again.

He grabbed my hand and worriedly said, “No you’re not! Look at how red your hand is! Why are you so stubborn?” He gently rubbed my hand and asked, “Does it feel a little better?” I nodded and smiled at the creases that appeared on his forehead. We fight and tease each other, but I like it when he gets concerned about me. He smirked, “I don’t want you to sprain your hand otherwise you won’t be able to do my homework anymore”. I pouted and he started laughing. 

Aunty walked in and handed Shravan a glass of Haldi Doodh and started fixing his room. He looked at the milk with disgust and pushed it towards me. He whispered, “Can you please drink this for me? I hate milk and mom thinks haldi doodh is like amrit or something so she keeps giving it to me”.  

I whispered back, “Why? I don’t like milk either! Besides, you’re the one with broken bones not me so you need it”.

He narrowed his eyes at me and said to Aunty, “Maa, can you please make some Haldi Doodh for Suman also? Her hand hurts a lot from writing”.

Aunty came over running to look at my hand. “Oh no, Puttar! I will bring you some milk right away”. 

I looked frantically at Aunty and said, “No Aunty, I’m fine…” but she had already left the room. 

I glared at Shravan and he burst out laughing and said, “If I have to suffer then I’m making my best friend suffer with me”. I couldn’t help but smile at his innocent laughter. Even the silliest moments with him seem so special. 

The next day, I went to Shravan’s house again. Aunty opened the door and said, “Oh, hello Suman! Shravan is in his room. Riya is here too. Have you met her before?” I shook my head. I walked up to Shravan’s room and heard his laughter with a girl’s laughter. I walked into his room and saw him sitting across from a girl with torn jeans and a leather jacket. I could tell she was also a civilian by looking at her clothes. 

The girl turned around to look at me and smirked, “Who is this? Girlfriend?” I looked annoyedly at her.

Shravan laughed, “No...she’s just a friend. She’s the one I was telling you about”. Just a friend? What does that mean? Well, I mean that is what we are, right? Then, what was I expecting him to say? Shravan smiled at me, “Are you just going to stand there or come in?” He introduced us and said, “Riya, this is Suman, my friend and neighbor. Sumo, this is Riya, my childhood best friend. Bunty, Riya, and I grew up together. Riya is basically the girl version of me and the funniest person ever”. Suddenly I felt really irritated as Shravan continued talking about this girl. Riya this...Riya that..I don’t care! Why is he telling me about her?

Riya winked, “Hmm just childhood best friends? We have more history than that. But, I guess you don’t want to reveal everything to your friend at once”. Shravan laughed and shook his head. What did she mean by that? I sat there quietly as Shravan and Riya excitedly talked to each other. Shravan was laughing hard at her jokes which weren’t even that funny. Why does he never laugh at my jokes like that?

Riya reached into her bag and pulled out beer cans. “Oh, I forgot to give your get-well-soon present”. Shravan laughed and thanked her.

My eyes widened in shock. I snatched the cans out of her hands and yelled, “Are you serious? He can’t have alcohol while on medication. What if he gets sick?” 

Shravan grabbed my arm and gently said, “Sumo...calm down”. 

Riya snidely replied, “Sweetie, if you really were Shravan’s friend you would know that he has a habit of doing things he’s not supposed to do”. She winked at Shravan, “Isn’t that right?” 

I was fuming in anger and said, “That’s why he’s in this state! Your choice of friends defines your character. When he has irresponsible and reckless friends like you, he’s bound to get hurt and be in trouble. Useless civilians”. Shravan looked up at me with a hurt expression. 

Before I could say anything, Aunty walked into the room. “Do you want me to bring you kids some warm samosas?”

“Actually Aunty, I was just leaving. It was nice to see you again”, Riya said while glancing at me.

Aunty hugged her and said, “You need to visit us more often! We miss having you around”. I didn’t realize that Riya was so close to Shravan’s family. Aunty turned to me and said, “I will bring some fresh samosas for you and Shravan”. 

When Aunty left, Riya hugged Shravan. I felt uncomfortable seeing her close to him like that. She said, “Get well soon and get friends that truly respect you”. He gave a sad smile. Riya glared at me as she walked out. 

Shravan sat in silence for a while. He looked up angrily at me and said, “What was that?” 

I stuttered, “Shravan...I...she was giving you alcohol...what if something happens to you?”

He stood up and yelled, “So? I know that I can’t have alcohol while on medication. I’m not a child! Oh wait...I forgot...I’m irresponsible and reckless. Even when I had my accident, you assumed that I was driving rashly or was drunk. Only you know everything in this world because you’re Ms. Perfect, right?” 

I was taken back by his tone. He’s never yelled at me before. “I didn’t mean that…”

He scoffed, “Then, what did you mean? Also, is that how you talk to someone when you meet them for the first time? Riya is very special to me”.

I should have apologized to him but instead my anger took over and I replied, “Fine! Then from tomorrow, spend time with that Riya instead of me”. 

He yelled, “Maybe, I will! At least she’s not judgmental like you!” His words cut me like glass and my eyes welled up with tears. He sighed, “I’m tired of trying to change myself for you so I can be worthy of your friendship. Since the day you met me, all you’ve done is judge me. I will never be good enough for you. You think army kids are better? Have you ever wondered how I know Anish prior to army school? He’s just like me but I don’t put up an act pretending to be a perfect kid. I accept who I am and don’t have double standards like you people”. 

I raised my eyebrows, “You people? What does that mean? You admitted that you’ve had positive changes in yourself since we became friends. Was it all a lie?”

Shravan got irritated, “If you think it was a lie then that’s your problem. Yes, you’ve changed me for the better but you can’t expect me to completely change my lifestyle or leave my friends. All I’m asking is for a little respect but your ego will never let you do that”. 

I felt a lump forming in my throat and my voice broke, “You think I’m egoistic? Now I know how you truly feel about me”. 

Shravan looked away and coldly replied, “Good. You know, now? Then, leave”. I clenched my jaw preventing the tears in my eyes from falling. I grabbed my stuff and ran out of his room. 

As I went downstairs I overheard Aunty and Uncle fighting. A couple weeks ago, Shravan’s Uncle had left their house after he had a fight with Uncle. I don’t know what happened but it was a tough time for Shravan and I couldn’t do much for him besides being there for him. Aunty cried, “So, right now going to your brother’s party is more important than Shravan? Your brother betrayed you in business yet you are willing to leave Shravan home alone in this state?”

Uncle angrily replied, “Yes, what my brother did was wrong but he’s still my blood. You are worrying too much about Shravan. He’s seventeen not seven. You are the reason why he is so spoiled”.

I walked in and said, “I’m sorry, I accidentally overheard your conversation. What if I stayed with Shravan while both of you go to the party tomorrow?” I know that Shravan was mad at me but I don’t know why I offered to take care of him. Maybe because he matters more to me than my anger.

When I got home, I got a call from Shravan. “Did you tell Mom that you would stay with me while they go to a party? I’m not a child and I don’t need you to be my babysitter. Don’t even think about coming tomorrow or else!”

I rolled my eyes, “Or else what? You’re going to run away? In this state? I’ll see you tomorrow. Good night.” I hung up the phone on him and saw Kancha staring at me with big eyes. 

“Did you two fight again?”, Kancha sighed and I told Kancha the whole story. She gave me an odd smile, “Are you jealous of Riya? You didn’t like that Shravan was giving her more attention than you. You’ve been acting a little different lately. Are you starting to like Shravan?”

“What? No! He called me judgmental and egoistic”. Was there any truth to what Kancha was saying? Was I really falling for him? 

“Well...I mean...you are a little tough on him. I know you care about him but doesn’t mean that he has to live according to what you believe is correct. He’s lived a different life from you and has a different perspective of the world. Celebrate your differences and learn from each other”. Kancha was right. She really surprises me with her maturity sometimes. I felt bad for hurting Shravan. Tomorrow, I’ll surprise him with his favorite dessert and apologize. 

The next day, I went to the market to buy ingredients to make Seviyan, Shravan’s favorite dessert. Food is the best way to win him over. As I was shopping, I saw Riya but she looked away when she saw me. I chased her down and said, “Hey Riya! I’m really sorry about the other day. I shouldn’t have talked to you like that”. 

Riya grumbled, “It’s fine. No worries”. 

“I’m genuinely sorry. Can we start over? Can I buy you coffee?” She looked carefully at me and nodded. 

We sat silently sipping on our drinks. She looked up and said, “You should just tell him. He can’t read your mind”. 

I looked confusedly at her, “Tell what? What do you mean?”

She smiled, “It’s obvious you really like Shravan. So, just tell him that”.

I felt my cheeks get hot and replied, “No, it’s nothing like that. You probably got confused”.  

She laughed, “Look, I’m also a girl and I can tell you like him. I think you are still in denial mode. So, the first step would be to accept your feelings for him and then tell him. I think he likes you too. Before you came, all he talked about was you! I’m surprised he hasn’t confessed to you yet. He’s usually very straightforward”. 

Was I really suppressing my feelings for him? Does Shravan really like me? I spoke carefully, “Well...I told him that we couldn’t be anything more than friends which is true because I want to focus on my career right now”.

Riya nodded her head, “Well, that makes sense! Shravan isn’t the type of guy to run after a girl when she tells him she’s not interested. He respects your decision. In fact, if you flirt with him now, he will think you are just being friendly. So, until you directly tell him that you like him, he won’t make a move”. 

I have imagined Shravan and myself as a couple. The thought is thrilling yet terrifying. I hesitantly asked, “What if our friendship is affected? It would be so awkward to be around him”.

Riya sipped her coffee and said, “Ten years from now, will you look back and think what if you had told him? I think you should go for it...he’s worth the risk”. 

I chewed on my lip and nervously asked, “Have you dated Shravan in the past?” I remembered how she said they had history. 

Riya choked on her drink and started laughing uncontrollably, “Oh honey, no! I was just messing with both of you. Shravan and I have the same exact personality. It’d be too weird. I would feel like I’m dating myself”. 

“I’ve never told anyone that I liked them before. What if he doesn’t feel the same way?” I felt really nervous. What if he rejects my feelings and then things become really awkward between us. I don’t want to lose my best friend. 

Riya smiled, “I understand, it’s nerve-wracking. But, he’s not a ticking time bomb...he’s just a boy. Besides, I know Shravan pretty well. He looks differently at you and is very cautious about you. I’m pretty sure he likes you. If you want, I can ask him for you”. 

My eyes widened in panic, “No! Don’t do that! He’ll find out that I…”

She giggled, “But isn’t that the point? For him to know? Just muster up the courage and blurt it out. What’s the worst that can happen? He’s not going to make fun of you. In fact, imagine the possibilities if he does like you back. Just don’t forget to invite me to the wedding”. I smiled at Riya. She was actually really easy to talk to and funny. I felt bad for initially judging her.

In the evening, I took a deep breath as I walked into Shravan’s room. He was on his phone and didn’t look up. “Hey, are you feeling any better today?” He didn’t reply and ignored me. “Are you still mad at me?” His silence was killing me. I sat across from him and pushed the casserole of seviyan towards him. 

He opened the casserole and gave a soft smile. Finally he broke his silence, “Did you bring spoons or are we eating with our hands?” I smirked as I knew that food was his weakness. I passed a spoon to him and he tried eating with his left hand but got his shirt dirty. I moved closer and cleaned his shirt off. He watched me carefully and my heart started thumping loudly. Should I tell him how I feel?

I brought the spoon up to his mouth and helped him eat. He kept staring at me and I felt really nervous. I looked down shly and asked, “Do you like it?” He gently smiled and nodded. I slowly said, “I’m really sorry about my behavior the other day. You’re right, I am judgmental and egoistic at times. I won’t do that again. Are you still mad at me?” 

He shook his head. “No, I’m not mad at you. I also said too much in anger. You were just trying to look out for me. Let’s not fight ever again”. I sighed in relief knowing that everything was normal between us now. He smiled and said, “This seviyan is really delicious. Will you make it again for me?” A blush crept up my cheeks as I nodded. 

There was a little smudge on his lips so I brought up the napkin to clean his face. He slightly parted his lips and looked away. It almost seemed as if he was nervous. He bit his lower lip and said, “Riya called me”.

I gasped and my eyes got wide. Did she tell Shravan about our conversation? I stuttered, “Oh? Yeah, umm...we had talked and had coffee together. I wanted to apologize to her”. 

He smiled, “I really appreciate you doing that. It means a lot to me...also Riya said you wanted to tell me something”. I froze and looked up. He looked deeply into my eyes and had a soft smile on his lips. He knew. I gulped as he moved closer and spoke gently, “What did you want to tell me?” My heart was racing with excitement. I opened my mouth to talk but nothing came out. He chuckled at my reaction, “Remember that girl I mentioned about at the party that I liked? It was you...it’s still you”. I clutched his bed sheet out of nervousness. He looked at me and chuckled softly, “I said it first so what do you have to be nervous about? Just say it...please?”

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, “I like...spending time with you. I don’t know how it happened but...I think I really like you too, Shravan”. I slowly opened my eyes afraid to look at him. I was surprised to see him blushing really hard. He put his trembling arms around my shoulders and hesitantly pulled me in for a hug. He rested his chin on my head and my ear was against his heart. I was surprised to hear it thumping as loud as my own heart. It made me feel slightly better that he was just as nervous as me. These feelings were so strange yet so exciting. As we got more comfortable with each other, we deepened the hug. I don’t know what direction our relationship will take from here but for now I wanted to savor this moment and remember it forever.