Chapter 5

BitterBerry

@BitterBerry

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Made this two weeks back

CHAPTER FIVE
(Flashback in blue)


Life is all about cosmos, chemistry and coordination...

HER


We left the office towards Chotu's house. I half expected Shree to come forward and talk to me but I forgot he is the angry one here. I tried to pull up a conversation with the both intentionally involving shree but he chose to ignore. There were some people in my life I only blinked before letting them go. And there are still some people I couldn't give up. Never. Giving up on them would cease my whole existence. I cannot afford that.

'and remember we used to tease him calling specky, because she was the one girl ever called him that! But I know you liked her, didn't you Shree'? I smiled again and I saw him flinch a little while driving. I was sitting in the passenger seat. I know Liza even before we met in a case during NIA and may be the only girl who ever got into Shree's nerves. She was always intimidating. There was that time when shree would tell us about his college life stories and in most of the stories there would be this girl irritating him, teasing him , annoying him. But he still liked to talk about her even if it's with bitterness he talked about her. I don't know how they are acting here but sure as hell he wont tell me. So in a little free time I'll ask Chotu. And I still didn't ask why he broke up with Ruby and when he started falling for this girl whose usual time of coming to the store was 11,30 . I want to know if there is any progress in his story or he is still wasting his money on that stupid grocery shop buying unnecessary stuff.

'I think he still do'!! Chotu said popping his head out leaning between the two seats and Shree just pressed the break too hard that i almost felt like Chotu will crash straight with the dashboard.

'What the hell Shree '? Chotu shouted and Shree only stared at both of us. 'i thought someone outta here wanted something from this cake shop'? He said in a hilariously composed voice. I felt like banging his head on the steering wheel.

'oh yes I have to grab something. Come with me Chotu let the dead head count stars here'!

'but Riii its gonna rain' said Chotu climbing down.

'even better ', I said making a face at Shree but he was still like that tough nut to crack. If he'd be like this I am gonna try with a hammer. Chotu was like always excited to get inside any food corner, his heaven. But all I need is chocolate chips for the much demanding chocolate milkshake. We went inside. Chotu was only staring at those perfectly iced pastries while I asked for a packet of chocolate Chip. Chotu got a full fruit cake even though his mommy is gonna be mad at him , he only cared for his tummy. As we walked towards the shop, the sky roared but with a rhythm half wetting my hair. We instantly jumped under the roof of the shop as some other people climbed with us too.


I stared into the sky as the rain poured wetting the earth. Sometimes I feel like life is all about cosmos, chemistry and coordination. And how ironically these things control the ingredients of the universe. There is no proven philosophy or psychology to describe it but I just feel when I look into the dust dancing between the vacuum or in between the aerial elements, where a soul is created. That is it all about. May be that is it all about. We are nothing but a cluster of moving electrons bonded together with those universal forces. Sometimes negative, sometimes positive, sometimes unstable sometimes excited.


Chotu screamed at Shree for help and he was in no mood to look at us. May be he is mad at chotu too. He ignored us as if we weren't there. His face was like you could throw a stone at and it would bounce back to you with equal force.

I stopped staring at dark faded reflection of the dust, the sky and shree too. 'wait, I am getting it'! I said.

'but Rii'!

'its Mumbai monsoon Chotu , let me just feel it a little...long time you know'! I exclaimed being nostalgic.

I climbed down the two step stair again, letting the rain drape me again with the wetness as I walked towards the SUV. The rain evoked every emotions that once I felt in this city. People call it as a city of dreams , never heard them calling it where dreams shatters too or may be there isn't anything related with dreams and Mumbai. They are poles apart. It never opens the door or push anyone to their destination. It is still. Just a place. Where people survive or try to. Those who made it they live. Those who didn't , nobody even count them . Like in every other city. But the pace is much much higher than anything. People don't rest here. Everything is keep going...keep going and going. I didn't get the Mumbai vibe when I was here. Where I first joined the information and statistics department. After that I joined ETF. Made friends. Enjoyed little moments of life. Fell in love. And fell out too. And the whole journey of this place looked a distant fading memory. But it never faded I think.. It is still there. In each molecule of my neurons.

Just when I was about to open the door I hear another sound and shree was out may be with umbrella. But I wasn't looking at him. My eyes were fixated on something else. The ETF SUV parked at the other side of the road. And then I noticed. Standing there was ACP Arjun Rawte holding that umbrella in front of the restaurant may be waiting for someone. I darted my eyes towards the entrance. Reporter Sakshi Anand walked out holding a parcel of food enough to feed a whole neighbourhood. She straight away walked towards Arjun Sir, tugging her hand on his elbow they both walked towards the SUV. He opened the door and waited for sometime until she gets inside. But he still didn't close the door. I don't know if time froze or he was still standing there more than longer time , but after like forever I heard a voice behind my ear. No rain pouring upon my head as if something is shielding me and in a slow voice he asked, ' and you still love him! Don't you'??? He was watching them too. Because for a moment I felt like I am hallucinating. But I was not.

The voice broke something inside me and I regretted for staring at them for so long. Then I realized I was staring into nothingness and saw only the replayed version of the scenario , over and over again. Shree was standing just too close to me shielding me from the rain. But I was already wet.

'get Chotu...' , is all I managed to say. And I know, I saw something that froze my throat. I opened the front seat and silently climbing inside. I wasn't looking anywhere but into the mist covered windshield.

Love sure is a bipolar symptom...it makes you when you have nothing to live for and breaks you when you have everything to die for...

The journey was silent. Part of Shree and Chotu's voice could reach my ear. I wasn't completely deaf. Chotu was worried and may be telling me about rain. Cold. Flu. Fever. Me. Shree was driving fast this time , I got the vibes of worry from him. And he was really worried. He cares. He still do care. I need to stop myself losing into this labyrinth of emotions. This isn't the time... I need to look at my friend's.. My friends who are worried for me. Even if one of them is angry they are still worried. I should be happy. Then again there is this hollow feeling of regret.

They were never at fault. And I punished them. At least I should have informed them before leaving. I was a coward not to do it. They expected me the next morning. They had no idea that my resignation letter was on the desk of ACP Sameer Rathod. And I vanished. At that time I was thinking about myself. I was selfish. I thought I was hurt. But I have hurt them too.

I thought the ones who breaks your heart is the one you loved the most. Because it kills you inside. You feel like your whole existence is ceased. But now I realise how wrong I was. There will be still people who could never hurt you. The people are above of everything. People you call your friends. They don't love anyone differently. They don't break heart. Because unknowingly they become a part of your existence too. And after all these years I didn't stop them. I let them worry for me. Because it felt so lively and so refreshing. I let myself to live the moment for them. And it would be worth living a whole life for them too. Because they would do the same for you too.


After some twenty minutes we stopped and its home. Well Chotu's home. I heard the back seat door open. Chotu was out. But Shree stayed. Chotu yelled something to Shree but I didn't hear. I was still staring into nothingness. Then,after like some five minutes I heard him say my name full of worry and a little bit trying to hide the it.

'i am fine', I said and opened the my side of the door.

'yeah, tell that to yourself '! He said and came out too. Now that its time he is ready for a conversation I am not. So we both started walking towards the house. Aunty greeted us and it felt like the old times again. Most of our night we'd rob aunt's fridge and she'd let us do. She used to say, she finds pleasure seeing us. She'd already prepared dinner and all I'd have to do is make this milkshake, but I was in no mood. That scene was playing again and again in my mind. Honestly saying, I felt like puking.

'I need to go to washroom..', and I didn't even wait for anyones response. I remember the way and I know each corner of the house. They didn't stop me either. Chotu and Shree glanced at each other but I ignored them.

After some half an hour I joined them at the dinner table. Shree was talking with aunty and Chotu was just sitting. I need to tell them something. I cant stay here for tonight. I can't stay here pretending to be happy and relaxed. Because I am not. There are a lot many things I have to plan. Otherwise I wouldn't be able to manage here.

'Shree will you just drop me at the hotel '? I said without looking at him. He needs to understand.

'what ? You said you will stay here Rii'?

' I am wet you see and my stuffs are in the room so I need to go and change and well.. I promise I'd come and stay here another time'! I said to aunty and her face fell but she didn't say anything. I wasn't in a mood to convince anyone too.

'understand Chotu , she is changed..'! Said shree as if taunting me but I know he was saying this to save me from chotu and aunties emotional blackmail. Chotu stayed silent afterwards. I ignored him and looking at the dinner table. Its filled with all our favourites. There was still something that is pleasing me. Like always I served everyone. The only thing missing was our chatter and laughter. We ate silently. The food was awesome like always. I felt like I had been here all the time. The taste was same like always how delicious it felt in my mouth.

When we stood outside aunty came near me embracing me and I thought I just needed that. So I hugged her too. Later when I broke apart she only said those few overwhelming words, ' you are like my daughter Riya'! I nodded.

'and you will always remain that ', she said kissing my temple. I smiled, the first real smile and hugged her once more before leaving. The whole way to my hotel was silent. Shree didn't speak a word with me. So I just picked up those files and wished a good night whether he heard it or not I went directly to the room.

Inside the room I regretted spoiling their plan. But why god? Why I had to see them? Now I am sure they are something. They are... But why I am hurt? He is free to do anything. Who am I to feel bad? But there was another thing that never faded away from my mind...

It was really late at night, when we solved this case. And the whole time I haven't had anything. My stomach was churning with hunger. The thought of going home 12 o' clock at night and cook dinner was even more tiring. I glanced at him as he was driving. He is just dropping me home. That's all. I was silent the whole time out of hunger and was just too sleepy when he stopped the SUV. But we are not in front of my society gate. I peeped outside, and we were in front of that restaurant "24x7", which by name sounds more like a media house but they serve all the time. But why we'd stop there? He never stopped on the way home and was always irritated. But today, may be he was hungry too.

'Shree said you haven't had anything since morning... ' that's all he said and stepped outside. I went outside too following him. We went inside. It wasn't as classy as other star restaurants but it was hygienic and clean. The only smell anyone could inhale is the delicious food. Too bad for my saliva, it made me hungrier.

The waiters were familiar with him may be. They were smiling warmly when we walked in. And it wasn't too crowded but just normal. People talking, chatting, smiling and eating. I don't know what dragged him here. Probably is not a place where he would be comfortable I guess. Either he is too hungry and this is the only restaurant open. Or he is regular but I have never seen him stopping by.

The waiter didn't even ask or offered us the menu, he just placed two glass of water and vanished inside. I was too tired and may be scared to ask any question which would directly relate to his personal life. Silence was my only choice left. He was staring at those paintings on the wall. Never thought he'd come out as an art lover or say admirer. His eyes were fixed upon the only painting of wallflower. He was staring at it as if he isn't here and floating somewhere else. The crackle of the dish plates broke his stance. All the waiter had brought was Roti and a bowl full of a delicious looking masala mix curry. I was in no mood for ingredient testing. But the curry was horribly oily. I just stared at the plate and at him. He presented a confused look.

'umm.. Can I just order a cucumber salad'? I said and he frowned.

'you won't get fat just by eating this in a single day Riya, you have a good figure'! He said and didn't wait for me to start. I just waited for my salad.

'have it or you will regret as to what you'd missed..'! He said again. And I was too shocked to react. First he'd notice that I was hungry all day. Second he stopped here in this restaurant so that we could have dinner. Third, apart from noticing I am hygienic freak he noticed that my figure is good too. And I was in the seventh sky. That single day I realized my presence is tolerable to him. I felt even more close to him. I was happy.

'she used to drag me here anytime of the day...she had severe mood swings and I had to come '

'its her favourite dish! And no matter how much she was conscious about her figure she won't think twice before polishing off the plate...'

'she always loved wallflowers'

And he went on telling me about about HER. As if he was in a irrevocable trance and I was may be too frightened to break it. When exactly I thought he could ever be comfortable around me, all he was doing is ignoring my existence. I felt choking my food. My stomach made no sound even though I was hell hungry. And that single day I realised, he couldn't move on. Never ever. And I was guilty to even try to.. He loved the woman with all his life and he still do.. He is living in the only hope to make justice to her and my own feelings for him felt like a sin. May be there are people who could not move on ever. May be their suffering is perpetual. May be they should be left alone. But leaving him alone too felt like committing a crime.

I looked at him again, who was offering me the glass of water and I didn't even care to hold the glass. I was just looking at him and the missing sparkles his eyes held was gone. All I saw was gloom.

Moments after he was holding that glass to my lips and was forcing me to drink. I did, because he was forcing me... Not because he was worried or I guess I didn't notice he was worried. I couldn't pull myself to think that we would be anything ever. Or together! My presence used to sting him..my voice was his irritation and my whole being was an obstacle... I need to free him.

'you're fine'?? He asked half worried and half angry .

'i am '! I said still feeling that chocking sensation.

'you can't even eat without being irresponsible '?? There he went again taunting me.

'no I can't.. You heard it , I can't ', I said aloud that may be for the first time silenced him. He was staring at me agape. I wiped my hand with the tissue.

'I am done..', is all I said and he opened his mouth to say something. May be he was waiting for some second opinion answer but I made myself clear. I didn't wait for him to follow me, I just made my way out towards the SUV parked outside. When he came inside I only heard a bang only. And he didn't say anything. He was angry. And he had every reason to.


After five minutes of silence I again realised i was wrong may be. May be he was opening up to me. He wanted share his thoughts with me and may be for a fraction of second l was jealous because he still belonged to her and he still thinks he belonged to her. And the fact that i held no place in his world. After so many days I was confused about my own feelings. He stopped the SUV , this time in front of my society. I climbed down, without wishing him good night because like every other night, i was sure he wont reply me back.

Its just when I climbed down i felt sprinkle of water. And it was raining. I didn't care. He was enough angry to even notice i was wet. And i was not dreaming for him even to stand there shielding me. I marched towards the other side of the road not looking back. The only thing running my mind was when exactly he was opening up to me, I acted like a jealous bitch.

But the fact remains same. He couldn't move on. He straight away expressed it. His happiness lies in those memories of her even though she was gone. And it was too painful to even thinking about give up on him, because deep down i knew I couldn't.


But may be I was wrong. He could move on. Just not with me...this time i was not a bit of jealous. Because I was far beyond any feelings. I will think about it and think about it and think about it. Until numbness crawl in my each nerve..until everything just vanish under the darkness of my pupils.

Heya people

This is chapter five. And you can quiet see the change in Riya and from where it started.

Hope you enjoy this part.

And, if you think these are short updates I cant give long ones regularly

Either its long update after long time or short update after short time

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