I know it's been ages since the last update, was pressed for time. Will try to update weekly here after. For the record, I'm very lazy and Ascent ff readers are more than welcome to kick that lazy ass of mine. I'd like to dedicate this chapter to three musketeers I've had the privilege of getting to know in this forum Eccentrica ( her pm'S finds my inbox alternate days, with her polite requests to update and for recommending this torture to her readers ) Naaza_deen (my soul sister, my honey bunny thank you for the pillar of strength you have been to me, I simply adore her and Blueballon (My very dear friend, witty jachu this one is for u)
Chapter 2
All a man can betray is his conscience.
-Joseph Conrad
Arnav slid the French door of his bedroom as he sauntered in the direction of the only blissful place of his abode he was aware of.His poolside and enchanting garden space have been a testimonial of emotions he have lived through just like any other regular guy, which the outside world presumed he wasn't capable of.
Flecks of his brown eyes lit up as he took in the breathtaking sight of his vibrant and blossom filled garden. His hand grazed the soft leaves of velvet as he inhaled the rich aroma of lavender.He stood in front of array of dark red roses, his eyes becoming moist and looked them at despair, it was her favorite and gushes of her silly antics over love flower came flooding his mind "Yeh, pyaar ki phool hai, Arnavji!" suddenly he turned on his heels and walked away.
This phase of the dusk is what he have hankered for ever since he had woken up for the day alone without his Khushi beside him, all those dreadful five years.
He sat down and nestled on the recliner to take a load off his feet as he welcomed the calmness around him and sighed in relief as cool waves of breeze hit his form in the heat of the night. He was fond of this time and the routine, it was just him and his abundance thoughts, no one to disturb where he cherished the most beautiful memories of his life and cried in anguish for the same and how short lived it was.
The gust of wind blowing ruffled the various exotic leaves of his peach scented garden as he closed his eyes in delight. He embraced his thoughts and was taken back in time; it was that time of the day where he relived with her through her memories, their memories under her watchful gaze where she shone the brightest in the dark blanket of sky on this summer night.
Khushi kumarai Gupta had breezed into his life like a roaring storm and had held him captive where he stumbled and struggled to retrieve himself out of her hold, only to find himself drowning into her whirlpool.
It's not that she taught him to love or was the first one to shower him with it, for he had been on the receiving end of abundant and unconditional love of his mother and family when he was the old Arnav. The Arnav which he had killed to fight his way out to make a better life for his family. The Arnav who had a carefree attitude; the one who looked forward to social gatherings and family get together to bond over with his cousins; the one who couldn't wait to rush back home from school to enjoy the sunset with his family over an cup of coffee and hot pakoras in their garden; the one who enjoyed annoying his di with his never ending pranks and ridiculous jokes about her plaits; the one whose face was always etched with a smile which he beamed at everyone without a second thought; the one who eagerly awaited for the next second of his life.
He saw himself in Khushi, the old him which resurfaced every now and then to probe the way he led his life. The old him which always encouraged him to listen to his small voice within and urged him to come out of his shell. It sacred his wits off, he was afraid if Khushi's presences in his life would make him yearn for the long forgotten him by his family. He had fallen for Khushi and he knew it, yet he continued his fight against his heart and mind to convince himself that it wasn't love; the more he tried to convince himself, the more he fell for the girl, who bewitched him with her beauty, left him speechless with her feisty attitude, humbled him with her simplicity and more importantly understood him and loved him for the person he was. She had managed to break the barriers he built around himself all these years to not let anyone rule over his emotions for he feared it might result in his heart break again, with love comes the expectation ,which no one seem to give him enough after the death of his parents until she came into his life.
It's not the destination that matters but the journey you have embarked on and he wanted to walk that extra mile of his life with her. It didn't matter to him what lied ahead of them in their journey but what made his heart swell with pride was his Khushi is going to be beside him holding his hand in an vice like grip to embark on their journey of life together.
A castle isn't what he had wished for with her, he dreamt of a home with her, their home which would be filled with echoes of her tinkling laughter's, their meaningless stupid fights, her silly antics, her melodramatic way of expressing things to him. A place where she would await his arrival at doorsteps and welcome him with her smile and bone crushing hug, which would throw him off guard after a hard day at work. A place where they would grieve in silence in each other arms for their mutual loss of their parents at a young age. A place where he can look forward to a better endeavor with her and their children. He stifled a sob; his wishes with her will always remain only wishes for eternity, which always tore him apart.
He pondered over the cast of events that took place in a two storied building, a few hours ago, that have still left him in a state of disbelief. He mentally noticed how his thoughts kept oscillating back to her since he had last seen her, a small smile adjourning her lips, waving at them, bidding them adieu, after he had agreed to the impossible.
How his eyes took in the sight, when she had flashed him a genuine smile and acknowledged him with her lively eyes, which had held him imprisoned from the moment his eyes found hers. This is what he wanted, this is what all he ever wanted from his family and people around him .He was tired of those sympathetic smiles which everyone flashed at him, forever to show their condolence on his loss; which reminded him of where he stood in his life, alone; which bruised his never meant to heal wounds and he simply loathed it.
The mourners he called them, they not only mourned for the departed soul of his wife but also for the very existence of him with their apologetic and sympathetic smiles which was always etched on their faces in his presences till the present day, which battered his soul . It didn't matter to him what people thought but the shrewd him made him think if his life or survival ever mattered to anybody?
Ananya wasn't the most beautiful girl he had come across but the man in him couldn't deny the fact that her angelic face and charming smile is enough to make men turn back and steal a glance at her. Dressed in a simple sky blue salwar and churidhar, she had managed to make the simple attire look good enough to be worn on a day when a family have come asking for her hand. Simplicity at its best.
How baffled was he when she raised her eyebrow at him to indicate him as to what when he happened to open his mouth but thought the better of it and kept quiet
"It's Ananya, Ananya Srivastav !" She spoke looking at him straight in his eyes.
He looked at her in astonishment, with his mouth slightly open, he argued with his inner voice as to how did she figure at what he wanted to know, his unspoken question was answered yet again when she stated "Before we proceed, figured out we are not on the first name basis yet," he mentally whacked his head, as to what happened to the Raizada's common sens.His di chipped in her sweetest voice to compliment her name and got on with it.
He watched her closely, her eyes twinkled and a smile adjourned her lips as she nodded in acknowledgment to his di's animated introduction to everyone in their family and the way she had looked at him when his di presented him, undid him, he couldn't point out what exactly it was, he felt his entire soul burn under her intense gaze which evoked something in him. She was a riddle wrapped in an enigma he concluded.
He hasn't puzzled through the concept of family yet, he no longer felt like he had one or he was part of one.
Family?? Aren't they supposed to stick to you through your thick and thin? Aren't they supposed to lend you a hand when you are down and out? Aren't they supposed to lie to you and assure you "Everything is going to be alright!"
But there were no one from his family assuring or comforting him, it was just him and that hurt him more to the point where he fell suffocated to stand amidst them.
Why is that his family members found way to his room when trouble came knocking their way. Why is it his words were given of significance importance regarding social gatherings and functions his family organized?? Was he all that to his family? The bread winner? Did his family just see him as the ASR which the world saw and judged him as a person.
He had given up his everything. His dream, his first ever childhood dream about his future; how he visualized his life to be .A dream which he built from the scratch with a hope it will bloom one day and complete his life.
He still remembers his first ever confession about his dream; it was etched in his heart and mind for eternity. He ran a marathon from school skipping his school bus, fearing he would forget if he waited for his school bus to leave for the day. He stormed into his house and headed towards the kitchen, he felt his mother's hand around him, as he hugged her sideways and shouted "Ma!"
"Ma, I want to be a pilot. Uh i will operate lot of helicopters, aeroplanes like the one you and pa got me when i was a little boy, but a bigger one which can travel in the sky"
"Chotey, you are still a little boy" his mum smiled at him and extended a glass of water to him.
"I'm not a little boy ma, see I've grown a couple of inches compared to the previous sixth standard . Ah.. ah.. see here...see here.., last summer I couldn't reach your stomach while I hugged you, can't you see the difference now, ma? Wait! Let pa come he shall tell you how tall I've grown ..and when I fly high in the sky, the world will look at me!" he hugged her once again to justify his height.
"Yes, chotey ! When you reach sky heights, the world will turn back and take a look at you and ma, pa, Anjali di and our family would be beside you smiling proudly at your achievements!"
He emptied the glass of water as fast as he can and spoke "but Ma why would you and our family be next to me when I am up in the sky"
She ruffled his hairs, "you will understand it one day !"
He lifted his head as though he could still feel his ma's hands in his hairs "Why aren't you beside me, Ma? Why isn't anyone beside me?? Are you happy for what have i become ma? He whispered as his words disappeared in the air just like his dreams.
He recalled how his family member's actions froze or how their conversation came to a standstill when he passed by them or stood among them to have conversations. How their roars of laughter died on their lips as soon as he made his way to the dining table. How things looked mechanical while he was present. He felt abandoned in a room full of his own people; it made his heart wretch in pain. How a secret part of him still wished someone would await his arrival every night so he didn't have to dine alone.
A pat on his shoulder is what he expected from them; a bone crushing hug from his di is what he craved for, a simple acknowledgement for the person he has become and a small smile for his attendance among them is what he wished for.
His family behavior was a brain teaser to him; he buried his face in the sand and tried not to talk about it.
Isn't life all about raising every time we fall? But for whom shall he rise from the clutches of solitude he pushed himself into or for what shall he rise he wasn't given a reason to do so.
Every time he saw a thin ray of hope to gather the shattered bits of him to move forward only to find he was ten steps back than what he was a minute ago. The numerous times he fought his inner daemons and stepped out of his room every morning assuring himself everything is going to be okay and hoping things would change for better one look at his family members made his shoulder slump in defeat.
He had fought his way through everything only to find the other side of the tunnel got nothing but only solitude to offer him. Was he chosen to lead a lonely life with only pain, guilt, expectations, shattered dreams, fading memories that's going to embrace him throughout his journey till his world's end.
He gave a wicked laugh before stream of tears caressed his cheeks, even his most valued and beloved memories gave him nothing but pain in the end. A part of him was terrified to let those memories fade away, that was the only thing which kept him going.
He cried in agony as to why wasn't he given a fair chance at life? Why was he deprived of that love and inner peace he craved for? Was it too much to ask for being loved and cared by your own family? Everything related to ASR's life gave a larger than life appeal except for his life itself, which was meaningless. The one thing the man craved was not in his arms reach his wife, his family's love and attention. He wept for the life he could've had.
As sleep took over, he had nothing to look forward to but the next day was another important day in his life, a day where he has to fight against himself and survive another day, because somewhere in him, he still believed, April showers bring May flowers.
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Note :
A dear friend of mine requested me to move this ff to a private blog, am thinking about it though.
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Edited by Music_Junkie - 12 years ago
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