awww...this is sooo...the way SHE loves HIM unconditionally <3 I know HE'S definitely gonna feel guilty! Hoping for best ahead. Very well written Saffi! *applauds* KUDOS!
It has been four months and even Kaustuki came a month ago after finding a job here.
I don't know what to say... she was surprised to see me. She said I gained weight... but I didn't want to tell her the truth. If I did, she would bring out her human rights side.
I have a friend, Rehaan. He was my friend from school. Before college, he was my best friend. He works at the same place as Randhir. We hadn't spoken for months, but when we did, I found out that Randhir works in the same office as him.
Now, a month later, Kaustuki could see right through my "weight gain".
I am pregnant.
She was shocked.
She asked me who the father of the baby was, and with a heavy heart I told her the truth. I told her everything from the night I spent with Randhir, to what he said to me, to how he's in Delhi with Rehaan now.
Kaustuki was my friend from school too, and she knew Rehaan. She called Rehaan right up because she was very pissed off. She told Rehaan to kick Randhir's ass, and told him everything, making it sound as if I got raped.
I was angry at Kaustuki. How could she just tell Rehaan about my pregnancy? About my past with Randhir? I called up Rehaan and told him the non-exaggerated version. The unbiased truth... of how I loved Randhir. I begged him to not tell Randhir about it, and Rehaan agreed, although he didn't sound too happy by this.
Kaustuki adamantly tells me Randhir is a jerk, he gave me hopes, and tried to promise me things he would never fulfill, but I let Kaustuki's cold words go into one ear, and come out the other.
I knew she would react this way, that's why I never wanted to tell her, but I also know she has the right to feel this way. I am her best friend, she's protective about me... I just wished she kept my pregnancy a secret.
At work, I wear loose clothes. They still don't know I'm pregnant... but I assume they will know soon.
Everytime I touch my belly, I smile, because I know there's a life growing inside of me. I am already in love with my child. As crazy as this sounds, when I found out that I was pregnant, I was happy... I was extremely happy. Because, I felt the compassion of destiny again. It kept proving to me over and over again how much it thinks about me. It won't let me live alone. It gave me company... it gave me Randhir in another form.
Kaustuki told me to abort, she told me this wasn't right... but I asked her, how could I possibly get rid of something that made me so happy?
She shakes her head and tells me I'm absolutely insane. I don't blame her. I can't blame her. We live in a socially constricted world... where this is frowned upon... where abnormal things are considered wrong.
I'm not here to advocate for right and wrong, but I have one question: how can something that doesn't hurt anyone and makes you so happy, possibly be wrong?
Thirty Three
Diary Entry #6:
Randhir's in town.
Rehaan called me to let me know how him and Randhir are starting their own business in Mumbai and Randhir's here to look at land. He's staying at a hotel.
My heart raced when I heard.
It has been two long years. Randhir never came for me... but maybe, at a subconscious level, he suggested to Rehaan that they start their business in Mumbai because I was still in his soul. He subconsciously knew he had to come for me... even if he wasn't consciously aware of it.
I could be wrong. I don't want to get my hopes up.
But he's here.
I didn't know whether to interfere or not. I didn't know what to do... I know Rehaan wanted to send him to me, but I didn't want that. I told Rehaan not to let him meet me.
Then I saw him at the coffee shop and I felt my eyes well up with tears. Once again, our paths had crossed. I didn't know how much more proof I needed that our paths were meant to cross. I ordered a coffee for him and ran out of there, fearing what would happen if he saw me.
Jiggy told me that Randhir would live with me... at first I pretended to be unsure of living with a male, but I said okay. I couldn't say no to Randhir living with me. I didn't know how he would take it... but maybe he was meant to be with me, that's why destiny brought him right to my doorstep, literally.
It felt so good to see him after so many years... although I pretended to be unsure.
When I had given birth to a stillborn, I started to lose faith in destiny. I thought that if God really was really almighty and compassionate, he or she would have never taken my child from me.
I started to curse myself when that happened. I told myself that I was an idiot. I was stupid in college for spreading rumours about myself just over a boy. I told myself I was never in love with him... I was just obsessed. My heart refused to believe it, but eventually I think I started to.
Today when I saw Randhir again, all those old feelings came back, and I realized that my feelings were never fake... if they were fake, how could they come back so easily? How could my knees go weak when he comes close? How could my heart ache to see him smile again?
No, I always loved Randhir, and I still do to this day. I lost focus when my baby was taken from me. My arrow had to be directed on the fish's eye, not anywhere else on the fish. My focus was Randhir. His happiness. Nothing else could touch it... and nothing else will.
I think Randhir may be attracted to me. I don't know what the truth is, and I don't even think he knows. I want him to realize it... but I don't know how.
He barely knows me... and I don't even know if I know him. At least in my case, I have something to hold onto, but he may be confused.
Perhaps, I will suggest dating. If he likes me after going on a couple of dates, then it will be easier for him to find his feelings.
Let's see how it goes.
-- That's it for the diary entries! Next chapter is Randhir's reaction. :)
oh my god...so much has happened in her life...still she loves randhir like crazy...yaar this type of love is not seen nowadays...she loves him still after so much
brilliant chapter...
we all got to know sanyu pov and her secrets which are devastating to say the least
rd will be horrified after learning so much bout her
please please please update the next chpter today...can't wait to see randhir's reaction
Never in his wildest dreams would he have guessed this... never would he have imagined that Sanyukta Agarwal felt this way about him.
He had tears in his eyes and his hands were shaking. He felt like he couldn't breathe.
Sanyukta Agarwal loved him.
She loved him so much that she degraded herself, she gave away her everything... for him? It was hard for him to understand. Perhaps it was because he couldn't relate. He knew he would never do so much for a girl.
Maybe that's what hurt him. Maybe that was why there were tears in his eyes right now.
Sanyukta could do that much for him, but he couldn't do an ounce of what she did.
Despite all of this, she never tried to get him. Not once. She was never clingy. She never hated him for anything. She never felt like he hurt her... even though he knew himself that he hurt her a lot.
His heart ached. It was painful. It was so painful to have read those diary entries. She was right... he shouldn't have read them. Now he didn't know how to deal with it. He never expected something so intense.
And he had a baby... Sanyukta had been pregnant with his child. But the baby died.
Randhir sat down on the ground, against a wall and placed the diary on the floor. Covering his face with his hands, he cried. He couldn't control it. He was so hurt. So guilty. How could she do everything so selflessly for him? She was so sweet.
With each sob, his heart ached more. He felt his whole being shake with something he didn't even know. How would he deal with the burden of knowing this?
Like they said, ignorance was bliss and curiosity killed the cat. Right now Randhir was being killed, slowly. He felt like he needed to go somewhere. He couldn't stay rooted in one spot. He didn't know where to go though.
He felt trapped.
He could run away as far as he wanted, but he knew that the destination would be the same. Something would ultimately bring him back to her. Her love was so strong, it would attract him from however far away he went. He could be on the other side of the universe, but he would still come back to her.
He had no control. He had no choice. No say.
He wiped his tears and picked up the diary before standing up. As he walked into her room, he saw her angelic face with her eyes closed, fast asleep.
She didn't even know that he knew.
Randhir went to her closet and put the diary back inside where he found it from. Then he closed the closet and walked over to her sleeping figure.
He sat next to her on the bed and stroked her hair gently. His eyes welled up with tears again, seeing her innocence. Everything she did, she had done for him. And he... he called her names, he hurt her, he left her, he was never serious about her.
She deserved so much better than him... but she didn't know that. If she did, she would have hardly done all that she did for him.
He leaned forward and placed a kiss at the place where the parting of her hair met her forehead.
"I'm sorry," he murmured. "I'm sorry for hurting you so much... for being the reason of all your pain and agony."
He noticed her lips curve upwards as she leaned into his hand, as if she was in a blissful state. As if she was happy.
How could she be happy? How could anyone be like this? After all the pain and suffering she had gone through over him, how could she even think about happiness?
Randhir looked at the time. It was almost 2 AM.
After placing a final kiss on her forehead, he whispered, "I won't ever be able to match up to you. I won't ever be able to love you the way you loved me. I could try, but it will be fake. I don't want to be fake with you."
He felt tears fill up his eyes once again.
"I wish I could love you," he said to her. "I wish I could do your love justice."
Then he took a few steps back and turned away from her. Looking one last time at her angelic face, he left her room... then walked right out of the house.
He didn't know where he was going.
"I wish I could love her," he said out loud, feeling tears fall from his eyes.
It started to rain and he felt himself get drenched. Maybe the sky was crying, louder than he was. Maybe the sky wished he could love her too.
Why didn't he love her?
Maybe he was incapable of love. He didn't want to be an anchor that was pulling her down. He didn't want her to sink because of his weight. He wanted her to float happily.
As he continued to walk aimlessly, he found himself outside the same night club they had gone to. There was a pretty girl all alone, who reminded him a bit of Sanyukta, looking slightly drunk.
He almost didn't notice, but she fell right onto him.
"Sorry," she said, "I don't know where I am."
Randhir helped her stand up straight.
"Where do you live?" he asked her. "I'll drop you home."
"No... I can manage," she said softly. "My boyfriend dumped me. I'm a wreck right now."
"Tell me about it," he replied. "I feel like a wreck too."
It was almost ironic how he walked right into someone who had been left by her boyfriend, and here he was leaving the one girl he probably ever truly cared even a little bit about.
Udne Ki Aasha
O Humnava Tum Dena Saath Mera
Haven For Her
Anupamaa
