Nana Patekar: I learnt acting from hunger & humiliation I faced

Nana Patekar, 64, may look stubborn to a few, but in reality he's just a bright man with a point of view. He may look kadak from the outside, but is a softie inside. He works on his own terms and hates wasting time, but is extremely affectionate, very caring and brutally honest. He may have refused the offer to join politics, but nothing can stop him from spending his own money for suffering farmers. He is a great cook, is a stickler for cleanliness and a doting son. Over an hour-long conversation, ahead of his upcoming entertainer Welcome Back, he talks to Bombay Times about his anger being a cover-up for his inferiority, his biggest regret in his life and why he can never be a politician. Excerpts:

How did you come into films?

I come from a small village called Murud Janjira near Alibaug. I started doing theatre right from school days and later joined the Sir JJ Institute of Applied Art after which I joined an advertising agency. I came into films because of Smita Patil, who was already doing films and knew me from Pune. I had been reluctant but she insisted. She took me to Ravi Chopra for a role in Aaj Ki Awazand initially, I was offered a lousy role of one of the rapists. I said no and told them what kind of actor I was. I was annoyed and was leaving just when Smita came. She asked me, 'Why are you going?' I abused the person who had offered me that role. And then I got a better role which also was not great but I got recognised for that film.

Tell us about your father?

My father was into textile painting and ran a small business. He encouraged me a lot and loved seeing my plays. He always liked tamasha, be it through films or plays. He would take me everywhere to see plays. Initially, when I did theatre in my village, I used to think that my father loved my older brother more than me. But then once I did a play called Valmiki and my father came all the way from Mumbai to see my play. I realised that was a good way to attract his attention and I continued doing that. I loved my father like anything but was also afraid of him.When I was just 13, we went from being middle class to lower middle class and finally lower class, as someone close to my father took away everything he had including his property. All of a sudden, I started working at the age of 13. After school, I would go walk up and down eight kilometres to Chunabhatti to paint film posters to make '35 per month and get a meal a day. I was in Class IX but that humiliation and hunger taught me so much that I didn't need to go to any acting school. I had to support my family as my father had lost everything. He would always say that 'Bachchon ke din aaye khane ke, aur mere paas kuch nahi hai.' He was always worried and felt emotionally so sad that eventually he had a heart attack and died when I was 28.

Did you feel angry that you were deprived of things as a teenager?

No, I was rather more happy as I wanted to see my parents happy. I never felt that I was working or anything, but would enjoy it. Fortunately or unfortunately, I don't eat sweets today. I used to like them so much at that time, but since I could not get them then, till today I don't eat sweets. Today, sweets are like gold for me that I will not eat.

You are perceived as someone who has a lot of anger.

I think it's because of the humiliation I faced then. The way people treated me, the moment I remember that I get tears in my eyes. From 13 till today, I am working past 51 years. Fortunately, today my hobby and profession is the same, that time it was compulsion. Till the problem happened, we had been comfortable, but after that, I used to go land up at some friend's place at lunch time or dinner time and say, 'Hi. Hello. How are you?' hoping that he may ask me and insist that I have a roti. So for me there can be no fragrance better than that of a chapati. But I also think that those days were great as it was great education. Actually I was helpless and inferior and that eventually came out as anger. I don't like to raise my hand and have hit my 30-year-old son Malhar only once. I feel like hitting people but don't. Actually, I get tears in my eyes if I meet people who make me angry.

Do you miss your father?

I remember him every day. I don't believe in God as I came across him. Also, I have my mother and my Baba Amte, so I will meet God once only when I go up. Had my father been alive, he would have been so happy. I am what I am because of Vijaya Mehta, who directed my first play. Everybody liked my role very much. My father too had come to see my show at Shivaji Mandir. So he praised me to Vijayabai who did not know that he was my father. She said to him, 'He is my son.' My father told her, 'Fortunately he is my son also.'

If you don't believe in God, what makes you celebrate Ganapati?

Because my father used to do that and after he is dead, I just continued as my mom insisted. It's a time when during those 10 days, everyone comes and meets you.

Who are you most attached to today?

My mom and my second son Malhar. I become handicapped thinking about her. I understand that she is 94 and can go anytime, so every time I get a call from home, I am scared. She can't see and she is breathing because of me. If she knows I am going out, she will hold my hand and start crying. She is like my child now.

Talk about your wife Neelkanti?

She is a brahmin and brahmins are brainy people. Unlike her, I am a maratha, a warrior. She is a very nice human being, really honest and content with whatever she has. She was working as an officer in a bank. And while I would make '750 per month (as I got '50 per show), she earned '2,500 monthly salary. Whatever I am today, I am because of her as she had said, 'Do whatever work you want to do. I know that if not today, you will make the money tomorrow.' I got married at 27 and had my first son. My father died when I was 28 and within two-and-a-half years of that, I lost my first son. From his birth, he had a cut lip and had a lot of problems. He taught me so much in that short period. I realised what a cunning person I am. My wife accepted him immediately but I used to feel how can my son be like this. But slowly, when I started loving him, it was time for him to go. I am a mediocre human being. I was more concerned about what people would say instead of getting attached to that child. Slowly, he grabbed me and when he died I realised. I knew that he would die and yet I was more worried about what people would say. Today, I am not worried. Now I don't feel anything. Whether my film runs or does not, whether I am honoured or not, it doesn't make any difference. Somewhere I am little obsessed with death now.

When I see people celebrating, I feel what kind of celebration is this? Is this going to last forever?

What made you quit smoking?

I used to smoke 60 cigarettes per day till I was 56. But then I just threw it and left it. My friend's wife who is more than a sister to me lost her only son and I was coughing and she said, 'Abhi kya kya dekhna hai mujhe?'

What will your wife want to correct about you?

I think she would like to take mitti and make a totally another me. It's not possible for you to bring those days back, you repent for it, but it happens.

Have you secured yourself financially?

I have not increased my needs at all. My needs are the same. If you come to my house, you will be shocked. My house is 750 sq ft., we had bought it for '1.1 lakhs, but even today I stay there only.

Why didn't you join politics?

Recently, BJP wanted me to join them, but I feel that social reformers and actors are like national property, they should not get divided. The moment you get stamped by a party and if someone does something wrong, I will be expected to defend them and that I cannot do and then I will be removed from the party the next day. So why should I join? As artistes, we are emotional people and in politics there is no place for emotions.

What makes you fearless?

From the beginning I don't have that fear of death. I am not afraid of getting into anything in front of me and I will go and catch the person who is wrong, whether he is holding a gun or whatever else. I don't worry about the consequences.