Veesum soorai kaatre, en kavidhaiyai kadathi sel....
Note: Veesum soorai kaatre, en kavidhayai kadathi sel... - Oh winds of the stealing storm, carry my poems amongst you....
If this chapter feels confused? Know that it was. I had glimpses of a story based on the song lines I've used, but it was never the intention to actually use them. That just, happened, on its own.
Dialogue heavy chapter, sorry!
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Naan muzhu madhiyaai maarinen..
//I have become a full moon, swollen full of light...//
Mrs Bhargav, Sumitra Aunty, is a close friend of her mother's. Close enough, that Reena has known Kamal her whole life.
She never behaves like it though.
Especially not at age nine, when she had just come back to school after mourning her Amma. Her Amma, who had been shot in the chest because she had tried to save her Appa. Her Amma, who had struggled in the hospital for days before letting herself go. Her Amma, who had wanted her own face to be the last thing she saw in this world, who had left her last words for her.
Her Amma, who had asked Sumithra Aunty to take care of her. Forever.
Reena doesn't know how Aunty could always look after her. But she knows that she and Kamal have never gotten along well, that Kamal is extremely possessive of his Amma (with good reason, the woman pampers him too much), and that Kamal studies in the same school as her.
Thank goodness he is four years her senior. It would be a nightmare if they were in the same school year.
Reena spends so much time simply avoiding Kamal and her usual gaggle of girls, that when she bumps into a taller girl in the corridor during lunch break, she thinks it is her own fault. She looks up to the girl's face with the intention of apologising and moving ahead, only to see a sharp grin on her face.
The bump is not an accident. Clearly.
Her thoughts are reiterated when the girl starts spouting nonsense about her. "Paaru da! Amma setthu patthu naal kooda aagala, adhukulla pudhu uniform pa Miss Desai ku!" Nonsense that hurts. //Goodness! Look at her, would you? It's barely been ten days since her mother dearest passed, and already little Miss Desai's been buying new clothes.//
Reena fists her hands, too tired to throw a punch at this girl the way she would have on a different day, but also too stubborn to leave this unaddressed and move away. She was not a coward. She would not walk away. The girl continues, and Reena loses focus.
And then there is the smell of too strong cologne in her face, and a taller, broader figure in front of her, and Kamal's voice finally breaks through her haze.
"Ava enga ponnu. Kai vecha enna aagum-nu theriyum-la?!" //Hey! She's one of our own. Don't you know the consequences of daring to touch her?//
He turns then, and walks with her to class. And though it should feel like an escort, and she should feel insulted that he'd stepped in like that, she is not that much of a graceless snob.
That evening, Sumithra Aunty picks them up from school, and Kamal lets her sit besides his Amma in their car. She wonders then, if they do not get along because they simply do not, or because they have never tried.
Nine years later, when their roles are reversed and Kamal is the one mourning the loss of not one, but both parents, Reena tries. Sumithra Aunty had left her a letter, asking her to take care of her only son, after all.
She tries to simply be there for him the way he had all those years ago, and it results in a hug that may not make her feel electric, but makes her feel warm and a little fuzzy and strong and like a partner.
So later that day when her Appa approaches the topic of their marriage as a means to strengthen Kamal's strenuous foothold over the business, they both take one look at each other, and nod.
Trying was better than nothing, after all.
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Pirai ninaivaal theigiren....
//And yet I dream of a hanging crescent, and I wane in its remembrance... //
She stands in her nightgown and robe from last night, having not bothered to do anything except gather her hair together in a low pony before she had gone looking for her Appa in his study.
He had not been there.
After a good search around the house, and asking quite a few maids and goons, she finds him in the sitting room right off their porch, a glass of whisky in Kamal's hands and one untouched on the table before her Appa.
"Appa?", she calls out, and he turns to look at her, his eyes knowing. As if he knows what she is there for. "Rocky, enga poirukaru nu...?" //Appa? Do you know where Rocky....?//
Kamal laughs, and it is a cruel sound. She knows he feels like a man scorned. Had felt so ever since she had questioned his ability to care for her the other day, the one thing that had been a constant since either of them had realised what a harsh world it was that they lived in.
"Uncle, neenga solringala, illa naan sollava?", he looks to her Appa before looking back at her. "Adhaan avan...? Haa! Ivaloda azhagan?", he questions, and her blood freezes into ice and red and a pumping need to stab. "Poi irukura edatha vittu thirumbi vara maatan nu, neenga solringala, illai naan sollava?" //Uncle, will you tell her, or should I? That man? That one! Her lover?! Will you tell her, or should I, that he won't be coming back from where he's gone?//
She stands in shock for a moment, wondering what that means. Did he abandon her? No! He wouldn't have left his amulet with her if he had.
Had something-? She stops the thought in its tracks, attempting to think rationally for a moment. He had been brought here, to assassinate Garuda. And he hadn't been able to at the DYSS Party Gathering. He wasn't the type to leave a job incomplete.
Her breath hitches in her chest, the absolute worst occurring to her, and she asks the only man she knows will give her the confirmation she needs. "Appa?", she whispers, and he simply nods before walking off.
He was in Narachi. In that place where people were torn apart, and weighed, and found wanting.
Kamal walks upto her, whispering. "Edatha patthi sonnadhu mattum dhan nanga. Poren-nu avane dhan sonna... Oru dhadava kooda yosikala, anga oru vella maaligaila, oru ilavarasiye irukka namakkaga kaathukittunu". Something within her cracks. //We only told him of the place, of it's reputation. The decision to go was his... How cruel of him to not once consider that there's a princess waiting for him, in a palace of her own.//
He laughs again before walking off as well, and Reena decides. If a man scorned could be so cruel, then a woman scorned could certainly do some damage.
All bets were off. All promises forgotten. When death came for Kamal Bhargav, Reena Desai would not stand in the way.
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Thalaiva, enai nee aazha vaa...
//To the captain of my ship I say, come rule upon me... //
The wind blows the dust around them all up, and the smell of the gold in it hits him strong all over again.
When would he get over this?
He has been smelling it in the air since the moment he had gotten off that crowded truck, and he still hasn't gotten used to it.
Perhaps because you don't want to, a voice from inside sounded.
"Enna Rocky?! Kadha solluviya maataiya innaiku!", a shrill voice calls out as a hand tugs at the dirty tunic he wears. He should be annoyed, really, but he isn't. Would never be able to, if he knows himself.... After all, mothers and children are his two weaknesses. And her, the voice reminds him. //Rocky?! Will you tell us a story today or not?!//
He shakes his head, coming back to his current predicament. To be honest, he has gotten whatever information he needed out of the children, and now he need not bother with them. But his stupid (not really!), feeling heart, won't let him do it. Keeping distance from the adults was one thing. Keeping his heart and words from these children who look at him with naive hope and love without conditions, is another.
"Rocky! Rocky! Rocky!" Ugh!
He picks the one closest to him up in his arms, ruffling his hair before sitting down and setting him in his lap, the other kids quickly forming a half circle in front of him, only to huddle closer and mess their pretty circle up. "Hmmm.... Enna kadhai venum?", he asks, acting thoughtful. //Hmmm...What story do you want?//
The only ones he had were stories his Amma had told him. Stories of pirates and kings and a vast open sea. Of gold and riches and glimmering sun. Of pain and strength and the freedom of breathing. Stories that would not help these children, probably. Would make their cage a true thing in their life, and not the abstract concept they have constructed a freedom around and within. Nee varutha padadha! Namakku neraiya protection!, he remembers their innocent words, and it sends a pang through him. //You don't worry! We have a lot of protection here!//
"Edhachu kadhai sollu! Aana andha paithiyakara thatha solra kadhai mattum vendam!", the one in his lap whines, and he can't help but throw his head back and laugh. "Yen? Nalladhana kadhai solraru?", he questions, leaning forward conspiratorially. "Nalla dhan solvaru, aana adhe kadhaiya kettu kettu aluthu pochu.... ", another, slightly older one whispers back. //Anything! Just not one of the crazy man's stories!//Why? Aren't his stories any good?//They are good, but they've just gotten so boring.... //
These children are brave. Braver than him. At that age, the old man would have frightened him for sure.
He decides quickly, to weave a new story for these kids. Perhaps one that shows them how important it is to feel. To use their hearts just as much as they will their brains. After all, it is what has given him the most strength.
"Oru oorula... ", he starts, and a chorus interrupts him. "Oru raja irundharam!" He chuckles, tickling as many sides as his free hand reaches out to before correcting them. "Thappu!" //Once upon a time... //There lived a king!//Wrong!//
Un viral varudal kaanave...
//I wait and I wait and I wait, for one touch from the fingers on your hand... //
"Oru oorula, oru vella maaligaiyila, oru chinna ilavarasi irundhalam". //Once upon a time, in a palace of white stone, there lived a little process.//
"Ayya! Ponnu patthi ellam kadha vendam!", the oldest of them shouts, clearly at the age where girls have cooties, despite the absolute lack of girls in these harsh fields, and Rocky doesn't hesitate to lightly whack the kid one up the head. "Ponnunga ellarum amma sthanam. Apdi pesa koodadhu, aprom girls, what impression have?!" The kid looks at him without understanding, and he sighs before explaining quickly and asking them if they want his story or not. //Eww! We don't want stories about girls!//Girls are mothers and sisters and more. Don't talk like that, or what impression will the girls have of you?!//
To no one's surprise, they still want it. Vittal, the man in charge of new workers, cleans his broken specs on a rag of cloth as he settles within hearing distance.
"Hmmm.... ", he hums, trying to find his place again. "Vella maaligaila chinna ilavarasi", the one in his lap whispers into his ear, and he thanks him with a peck on the cheek before going on. "Vella maaligaila ilavarasi!", he repeats loudly. //A little princess in a palace//
"Andha ilavarasi avanga Appa oda ore ponnu. Adhunala avalai avaru romba batharama paathukitaru. Thaan kozhandhai mela iruttoda viral kooda padadha alavuku batharama." //The princess was the only daughter of her father's. And so he took great care of her, so much so that he wouldn't tolerate so much as a finger of darkness near her.//
"Appo raathiri nerathila irutta irukurapo?", his favorite questions quietly, the curious child, and he imagines her in the darkness of night as he answers. The large windows in her room, the French doors to the balcony with its large panes of glass. //What about in the dark nights?//
"Ava oru neruppu bandhu madhiri. Avala nerunga iruttuku dhairyame kidaiyadhu... Aana ava sorndhu poi thoongalanu nenaikum bodhu kooda, avanga Appa avala nilaa velichathula dhan thoonga vepparu". He looks around at the children, and they are all nodding at him. //She was like a little ball of fire, and so the darkness didn't dare near her. Even still, her father made sure that even in her most tired hours, she was laid to sleep only where the light could reach.//
"Innoru pakkathula, oru chinna oorula, Rajanu peru oda oru paiyan irundhan. Aana avanoda peru mattum dhan Raja.", he says, giving a put upon sigh as he makes up his story. //On the other hand, in a little village, was a boy named Raja. But only his name was kingly.//
"Yen?! Yen?! Yen?!", they question him. He sighs again, wondering if spinning his own tale wasn't a little, wrong. "Andha Raja paiyan kitta irundha ore sotthu avan Ammavoda paasam. Aana adhuvum avana vittutu poiduchu." He wonders how to explain death to these children for a second, before he realises that they are familiar already. It sends another pang through his heart, and he pulls the closest boy onto his free thigh. //Why?! Why?! Why?!//The only wealth Raja owned was the love of his mother, but he had lost even that.//
"Avanga Amma thoonga poitanga. Full time thookam", he sighs, and they nod somberly as if they understand. He hopes they don't. "Aanaaa," he sings and they perk right up again as if they are sunflowers at dawn. "Aana, andha paiyan avanoda Amma thoonga poradhuku munnadi, avangaluku oru satthiyam panni koduthan. Thangathai thedi poven-nu." //His mother had gone to sleep. Of the forever kind. But.... But, his mother had made him promise something. To go in search of gold.//
He chuckles then, as he decides what twist he wants to give his story...
"Thangathai thedi ponana?!", one asks, and he chuckles a little more. "Hmm! Ponane! Thangatha thedi oor oora ponan, aana kedaikave illai." //Did he go?//Of course he did. He wandered from place to place in search of it, but he never quite found it.//
"Ada! Inga vandhirukanum avan! Namakku dhan mannula kooda thangam irukke!", the oldest says, grabbing a fist of sand and letting it fall back through his fist, a sudden breeze sending a few grains and the scent of it towards him... Thangam, he thinks, the sight of her innocent face as he had caged her against a door coming to mind. //Oh! He should have come here! Because even the dirt here has gold in it, doesn't it?//
His favourite-est (yes, this one is extra sweet, and hence extra favorite), gives him a light pat on the cheek, reminding him that he has to complete his story yet. "Hmm! Varuvaan! Oru naal varuvaan! Aana adhuku munnadi, oor oora ponan. Avan vaazhndha chinna, iruttu graamathula thangathai thedunan modhala. Kedaikala. //Well. He will come, one day. But before that, he wandered. First in the little, dark village he'd been born in.//
Adhuku aprom, kadal orathula, ezhu theevu serndha iruttu ooru onnu. Andha oorula thedunan. Aana kedaikala. //And then in a land of seven islands by the great sea. He couldn't find it.//
Sari, andha theevugalukku naduvula irukura karuppu kadalla erangi thedi paathuralamnu nenaichan. Aana appo, avan pirandha ooruku pakkathulaiye oru velai vandhuduchu avanukku." He pauses for a breath, and the children stay surprisingly silent. //Just when he decided to look through the great sea itself, he was called to his village for a job.//
"Sondha ooruku pona edathula, thangathai avan thedala. Yerkanave theduna edam dhanangura dhairiyam. Ana avan thangathai mannula thedunadhu dhan thappunu avanukku appo dhan purinjudhu. //There, he didn't look for gold, because he was sure he had already looked there thoroughly. But he didn't realise that looking for it in the soil was his mistake.//
Avanga amma kitta avan chinna vayasula, oru iruttu kudisaiyila ukandhu ketta, thangam paaka eppdi irukum nu. Appo avanga amma sonnanga, thangam paaka manjal nirathula, ulla irundhu minu minukumnu. Adhu nerupala aana oru poo madhiri irukumnu. Kannula thanga kattiya paathirundhalum, avanga Amma sonna thangam avanuku kedaikala athana varushathula.... //He had once asked his mother what gold looked like, and she had told him it would glow from within, like a flower made of fire. And though he had seen one kind of gold, he had never found what his mother had asked him to.//
Appo, oru ammavasai rathiri vidiyura nerathula, iruttukulaye valandha Raja thimira suthi kittu irundhapo, avan kannula thangam pattuchu. Avanga Amma sonna thangam! Meni manjal nirathula, ullirundhu minu minukka, kannula neruppum, udal poo madhiriyum. Andha vellai maaligaiku sondhamana ilavarasiya paathan. //Then, on a new moon night, when Raja was roaming the streets of his old home, he found the gold he'd looked for all those years. Golden skin, glowing from within, fire in her eyes, and a body as soft as a blossoming flower.//
Avalukku irutta kanda bayam kidaiyadhu, aana avanga appa ammavasaiku bayandhu, avala avaloda araikulla pooti vecchutaru. //She had no fear of the dark, but her father had locked her in for fear of it.//
Ilavarasi araikulla irukka pudikama kova patta. Avaloda araiya kaaval kaathukittu irundhavanga kitta kadhavai thorakka sonnapo, avanga ava Appa-ku bayandhu anga irundhu poitaanga... //Angered by her gilded cage, she had asked the workers to release her. They had run away instead.//
Appo iruttula ava oru uruvatha paathu amaidhiyayita. Raja oda uruvatha paathu. Iruttuku bayandhu bayandhu vaazhura avaloda andha velichamana ulagathila, ammavasai annaiku ava alavuku dhairiyama ninnukutu irundhaan oruthen.... " He pauses, stuck with his story. It hurts to long so much for her, and he thinks maybe he should have stuck to stories of pirates and kings and seas filled to the brim with glimmering gold. //But then she spied another person in the dark, and she quieted down. Someone as unafraid of the dark as she was.//
Enadhilamai engudhe...
//And in that wait, the fountain of my youth burns with longing desire... //
He is still yearning when a child nudges him, "Ilavarasi paaka eppudi iruppa nu innum konjam sollu. Raja kannuku epdi irundha paaka?". It is the one who takes the leads with the group's little drawings, coming up with the ideas for them all the time. The child has visual memory, and Rocky feels the urge to indulge him, wanting to distract himself... //How did the little princess look?//
He sets the children on his lap down, standing up quickly before raising a hand to his shoulder, letting himself think freely of the details of the only queen he will ever have. "Ivlo oyaram iruppa, adhuvum heels podamale". One nudges another quietly, and he hears a loud whisper of "Ada seruppu! Periya seruppu!". His hands shrink together, and he thinks maybe the next time he meets her, he will pull her into his arms, cage her within them and to himself if only she will willingly lay her head upon his shoulder or against his forehead. "Odambu sutthu ivlodhan irukkum, kaathu aduccha parandhuduvangura madhiri". He shows them the skin at his wrist, the fairest on his person, "Indha nerathula, thangathai poosuna epdi irukum? Adhudhan aval niram", he says circling to look at the gold in the brown black earth all around them. "Karu karunu mudi, pattu madhiri thongum ava iduppu varaikum. Odhadu paaka paneer roja oda idhazh rendu otti vecha madhiri. Kannam rendum vennai madhiri, kaila alli muzhungidalamnu irukkum". He pauses as it strikes him he has never done this, gush about someone, not even his darling mother, for all that she means to him. "Kannu?", the child prompts him, and he kneels down to gather him close by the shoulders, ruffling his hair as he answers, "Kannu rendum en kannu colour la dhan irukkum, aana adhukulla irukuradhu neruppa poova nu enakku innum theriyila." //This tall, and that too without heels.//Slippers. Tall slippers.//Her waist is so thin that sometimes you wonder how the wind hasn't blown her away yet.//Her skin? The colour of gold dusted over this skin.//Hair like black silk hangs down to her waist. Lips like the petals of a rose. And cheeks so buttery you'd want to gobble them up.//Eyes?//Her eyes are the same color as mine, but I don't know if they dream of flowers or flames yet.//
"Nee paathirukiya andha ilavarasiya?!", one asks wonderingly, and his thoughts pause for a moment. He has seen her, yes, but has he seen enough of her? He has not seen her smile, or cry, or eating her favorite food, or fresh from a shower. He doesn't know if she likes children as much as he assumes she does. If she would mind the dust and the huts if she were to walk into K.G.F right now. He doesn't know what would happen if she loved him and the little hut with its mud floor and rice gruel were all he could give her ever. There's too much he wants to know. Needs to know. //Have you seen the little princess?//
Failure, he realises, is not an option at all. Because he would not die peacefully if he died without her, and isn't that his only goal in life? His promise to his mother was the fast track way to achieve that, but Reena was getting there fast and hard. Screw it.
For now though, he turns to walk away, disregarding the disappointed look he catches Vittal throwing his way as the children shout after him and he doesn't bother to stop.
Azhaga aarudhal solla vaa....
//Dearest man of beauty, come and show me your consolations... //
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