Dear Mumma, it must feel strange receiving a letter from your thirty two year old son. My first ever letter to you. As a child, I was trying so hard to fit into Papa’s family that I didn’t have the time to think or do much else. Not that I did not think of you Ma. I thought of you whenever I saw Vidya Ma embrace Rohit lovingly, her love for him shining through her eyes. She has always been nice to me Ma, I swear she has, but her eyes never shone on seeing me, not the way they did when she set eyes on Rohit. I love Rohit, believe me Ma I do, but I can’t but envy him the unconditional love that he has enjoyed all his life. A love that he accepted as his right, a love that he did not have to feel grateful for or make himself worthy of. No one told me I had to make myself worthy Ma, but I could see it in Dadi Sa’s eyes. The reluctance, the grudging acceptance and, whenever I made a mistake despite my best efforts, the censure and somewhere the hatred that she so undeservedly felt for you. I never got to know you Ma, but the fact that Papa has not been able to forget you in all these years, that he has not been able to embrace his new life with Vidya Ma wholeheartedly, tells me that you must have been an amazing woman. I know it is not fair to Vidya Ma, but I can’t help marvelling over this abiding love that you must have shared. A love that fate and Papa’s family conspired to cut short so cruelly. They’re not bad people Ma, but I know they were not fair to you. Maybe Dadi sa felt guilty in some corner of her heart and that is why she accepted me into the family. She is proud of me Ma and I work constantly to be worthy of her pride. Of late though, I have been slipping up. That brings me to the reason why I am writing this letter to you. Ma, you know what, I got married a few months ago. It happened under tragic circumstances, when Akshara Ma’am, my mentor, pleaded with me to marry her daughter and protect her from an evil stalker. Akshara Ma’am died while saving me from the bullet that he fired, and before she drew her last breath, she made sure Abhira and I took our vows. I was so deeply indebted to her that I could not say no, although my heart was not in it. Partly because I had just asked the woman I loved to marry my brother. You must be wondering how that came to be but I won’t bore you with the details. Suffice to say that it was a sorry mess, something that remains my cross to bear now, since Rohit left home soon after his wedding with Ruhi, my ex-love. Yes yes, I know, it is all too complicated and messy but such is life. Anyway, I digress. The reason I write to you is Abhira, my wife that is. She confounds me, confuses me, drives me crazy and yet she makes me feel as light as the puffy white cloud that sails across the blue skies. After she has come into my life, this invisible burden that I have been carrying around since forever, suddenly feels lighter. My heart even breaks into song at times, can you believe that ? For the first time in my life, I feel like I belong Ma. I don’t feel judged, I feel like I can just be myself with her, I feel like she sees past my scarred facade, she sees me for who I am and she doesn’t judge me. But the truth is, I have not been completely honest with her, she knows I have a past but she doesn’t know the past is also a part of my present and lives under the same roof. I wish I could confess to her, I want to in fact but a strange fear stops me Ma. I am so used to falling short of people’s expectations, of being judged and found wanting, but I am scared that I can’t handle it if I were to lose the respect and regard I see in Abhira’s eyes Ma. Of late, I see something else too, something that finds an echo in my heart too, something I am scared to give a name to. How can I when I swore to Ruhi that I would spend my life loving her. I really meant it when I said it Ma, I did not want her to think that I was dumping her, rather I was begging her to give marriage with my brother a chance and assuring her that I would always be a silent support by her side, someone she could rely on to place her interests above all at all times. I said all this, not knowing a ray of sunshine would soon enter my life and light up the darkest corners of my heart, drive away the coldness that had gripped my heart and fill it with a golden warmth. I know what I feel for Abhira but I can’t give it a name because I am not free to Ma. I am bound by my promise to Ruhi and I need to find a way to bring love back into her life. Until I do that, I can’t embrace the good fortune that I never imagined life would send my way. She is in front of me, I can reach out and touch her but I need to find ways to free myself from the complicated situation that I have put myself in. I can’t share all of this with anyone else Ma. I have no one to call my own but Abhira but how do I confess all of this to her? I had to pour my heart out to someone and so I thought to write to you Ma. I know you are somewhere close to God and so please argue my case in His court. Please ask Him to show me a way out of this mess of my own making, ask him to grant me a miracle that will enable me to fulfil my obligation to Ruhi and leave me free to embrace the love I sense waiting for me. Bless me Ma, make me worthy of this pure soul that I am sure you played a part in conspiring to send my way. And if you meet Abhira’s parents Akshara and Abhinav, do tell them that their princess is already my Queen and I will strive all my life to cherish the treasure that they have bequeathed to me. Bless me Ma, give me the strength to win this battle that Papa lost so many years ago, or maybe we would be a family now and Abhira would be your cherished daughter-in-law. Vidya Ma seems to have taken to her though and finally, thanks to Abhira, I am seeing the love that I once saw in her eyes for Rohit alone. I wish I had known you Ma, I really wish I had. Love Armaan.
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