Wicked things

1 months ago

HattTeriMaKi

@Phir_Mohabbat

If you get a chance to go back in time, will you take it?

Rain is Mumbai is beautiful, cozy, with full of memories and peace. But to Arjun, it has always been a dull affair- wet, dark, uncertain. He used to get drenched in rain sometimes, but not because he liked it. Rain was the one thing which made him remember Roshni, as he held onto their pendant hung around his neck. Rain was like acid on his skin, made his heart and soul burn with pain of thousand needles.

But Roshni is here now. It was impossible- he still wakes up thinking it was all a dream, only for her to stand in kitchen to make chai for him. Shes there when he comes back. Shes in every corner in home- folded clothes, clean house, a warm presence which only a woman can brings.

So, why? Why hes not happy? Why- there is this gaping, bleeding hole in his heart?

Its not like Roshni was faring better too. Arjun finds her staring off many times, lost in thought. She looks at the city, at the people, at the house in a strange way. Sometimes her hands don’t know what to do. She says things and then realizes it’s the wrong thing to say. So much time had passed. Arjun guessed they both don’t know who they are anymore.

TV is something which Roshni used to watch. She loved her shows, movies, books. Any new movie with interesting trailer, and she will drag him to watch it-mostly the night shows as he was always so busy. But Roshni don’t even switch on TV these days. When, one night, he did the same and put on a music channel, she looked at it as if she don’t know what it is. She has spent so much time in solitary, in loneliness without anything, that this new situation is strangely suffocating to her. The change, it seems, didn’t make either of them feel relieved or happy.

Roshni don’t sleep- they had decided in silent , shared agreement that they wont share bed and Arjun is fine taking the couch anyway. Sleep alludes him too, and he sees Roshni often waking around house, looking at the moon. It don’t have the glow like it does in valley- the moon always feels dark, sad, incomplete in some way.

Some rainy days, when hes home and she don’t know how to escape herself and him, he puts on tv. They both watch it absent mindedly, and Arjun found it’s the sound of TV that lulls Roshni to a peaceful sleep.

If you get a chance to go back in time, will you take it? A strange man dressed in a long, black coat, a hat on his head asked to the hero of the serial.

Then the man turned to Arjun, asking through TV. Will you?

Arjun didn’t know what to think.

There was a feast in the house- Roshni’s parents, her friends, his ETF collegus, some old common friend with whom Arjun had lost touch long back, Raghu sir, they all arrived to celebrate this new beginning. Arjun watched closely at Roshni, but she looked happy at the people and conversation, even though slightly uncomfortable at the questions about her abduction. But Sameer intervened, smartly diverting attention to himself and his expecting wife Aisha, letting the two sigh in relief.

When Arjun found Roshni’s hand and squeezed, she squeezed back.

ETF shifted their office to a glamourous, big office space and team took in upon itself to do the shifting. Arjun found himself dead in night sitting in his tiny cabin, meticulously going through papers and files. There were two boxes- waste and carry.

He was avoiding this particular drawer, but it was time. Slowly, he pulled it out. Then carried each things between his fingers, cradled them close to his chest and looked out.

A red clip. A red pen. A bullet scar shaped ganapati coin.

The rainy cloud was gone, full moon peeking through the now white clouds.

Tears streamed down his face, and he made no effort to stop them or wipe them away. He sighed, bit his lips, but tears wont stop. Why now? Why after all these time? Whats the point? Wasn’t he supposed to be happy now? He has everything he wanted, yet hes the most unlucky man in the world whose hands are empty, heart is gone. Its split right in the middle, scattered across valley and land. He will never find the other half, wont be never able to put it back in whole.

The day Arjun was supposed to go to new ETF building, Roshni hesitantly called him out and they both sat around the small dining table.

She twisted her fingers for a long time before speaking, tears in eyes yet relieved.

“I don’t think this is working anymore.”

She explained softly, with breaking voice- they aren’t happy. It don’t feel right, it don’t feel the same anymore. They are both stuck in a loop and there is no end in sight. There is no point dragging their painful past and present all the way to future. She has already spoken to her parents. Its not her fault, or his. The timing isn’t right.

Roshni, bless her soul, has always fixed his life even without asking.

She hadn’t occupied his house, yet it felt lonely without her. Arjun waited for the relief to hit him, or even sorrow at the lost opportunity that his fate has stuck, once again. But he wont pretend that he didn’t see it coming. He wont be angry this time.

The issue is- hes been living like a zombie for a while. Some days, he couldn’t put his finger on what was wrong. Some days, he feels so nostalgic, the entire universe conspires so hard that he wants to bury his face and scream. He cries some days, but he cant say why. He stops eating- there is no one here. No one cooks or wait for him.

He watches TV at night, just to kill time and keep company. It’s a new revelation which hit him like a brick- he always thought he was a man who didn’t need anyone, who was single and living just fine. Yet, the loneliness creeps upto him. Drains him, suck everything like a bloodthirsty leech. Fogs his mind, takes away remaining bits of his soul

If you get a chance to go back in time, will you take it? The same show was on again, and the same man dressed in long coat and hat asks. This time, the man turns directly at TV, at Arjun, his eyes black, teeth bared. He looks almost angry.

WILL YOU? He shouts, and Arjun jumps slightly, heart hammering. He didn’t know if it was real- he couldn’t tell what is real anymore.

One morning, he wakes up with purpose. Takes the day off, cleans his house, makes food for himself, exercises until hes ready to drop. Mustering up courage, he picks up his phone, fingers hover over a particular number.

But he knew it was needed- for him. For someone else. He has wasted a lot of time anyway.

“Dad?”

He puts request for a long vacation, packs up his bag with minimal things, and walks out of his home, spine straight with a purpose. He crosses roads, rivers, and its only when he reaches the barely familiar valley that hes able to breath. 12000ft above seal, where lots of people aren’t able to breathe, and he finds it like home without knowing anything about it.

There is violence in air, and Arjun stands in the crowd, shielding himself with a chaddar in the chilly air. When he breathes out, white clouds comes from his nose and mouth. He watches, alert, with pain and anger, helplessness and tredipation, when the crowd drags her. Tortures her until shes wheezing in pain and coughing up blood. When it rains, some people leaves- but not him.

When one of the man takes out a knife, Arjun removed his cloak and points two guns at the crowd, at the men. The crowd stumbles, horrified. There are shouting to catch him, people closing onto him. But it didn’t matter- nothing else mattered. He has to escape alive, with her.

There is no choice to make.

If he thinks about these moment hours, months, years, and lifetime later, he wont be able to tell how pulled a gun on an angry mob, dragged a severely wounded girl and hid her in his chest, and ran with her, their hands clasped tight. How they ran, hid in a house, as she coughed up more blood and he peered out, sharp eyes locked at the mob and their movement, eyes ringing with shouting and threat. How, after hours later when its dawn and the mob is nowhere in sight, when he heard heavy footsteps of boot and army marching through the valley, sirens and cars shattering the careful silence of early morning, Arjun had looked at the girl next to him, their heads touching. She had blood all over her, clothes almost torn. When she took a breath, the air was wheezing.

Their eyes remained locked.

Army helped them to flee, then it was Arjun’s father who arranged everything. The first stop was obviously hospital, and he spent several days uncomfortably sitting on cheap plastic chair next to her bed, waiting for her health to be fixed as he held onto her fingers. Blood stained, wounded fingers with thousand cuts, flesh coming out in several places, broken and cracked bones. He touched her carefully like shes made of glass, kept looking at her as if hes a thirsty person walking for miles, and shes the oasis. There is no way they will be separated now, he decided.

It was time for discharge. Both sat on hospital bed as Arjun waited for a nurse to bring her documents.

”Why?” he heard a croaked whisper. He had to think hard to answer such a simple question. How to put everything he wants to say, in simple words. Things he didn’t even process prior to this. Questions and answers he didn’t give to himself, when somedays he don’t even know his mind and can’t recognise his own face in mirror. How to answer her simple question with a simple answer of his own when, nothing has been simple since the day they met.

So he settled with a “You know why.”

But she wasn’t satisfied, eyes boring holes into him.

“Why, are you here?”

“Couldn’t leave without you. I guess.” He replied lightly, looking away from her eyes. She took it in, slightly surprised then thoughtful. Arjun mused, neither of them could have thought he is capable of saying this. After all this time. At this time.

“Roshni?”

He sighed, “Later.”

They stayed quiet for a while, until her “You don’t even know my name.” which made him smile, as he looked at her. Black eyes, marks of oxygen tube around nose, cuts and bruises all over face, yet that’s the most beautiful sight he has ever behold.

“Whats your name then?”

“I don’t know.” She whispered, looking away from his face. “I was Lavanya once. I was Riya once. I don’t remember my name.”

“Riya, it is.”

They moved into a massive house situated next to sea. It had so many bedrooms and washrooms, yet in unspoken agreement, they moved into a same bed. More like Arjun decided, as he ordered around at the house staffs for furniture and food and other items. He took it upon himself to be a bedside nurse, vowing he will fix her. He saw the questions in her eyes- the house, his care, the situation at hand, their shared past. But she didn’t ask, and he waited. Cause after that, there is no coming back. It will be sealed, then.

He puts his waking time on her and his exercise- so hes slightly surprised one early morning that hes not alone now. He had just finished pushups, all sweaty and gross, when he felt the bed shift. She looked at him blankly, and he looked back.

He took off his vest, wiping himself with it, and sat next to her.

“Whose house is this?”

“My father’s. He is a businessman, has some properties around. i wanted it for a while.” Arjun saw her deep in thought, her breakfast cereal getting cold. There are so many things she don’t know. So many things he wanted to know. The whys and hows. But he is patient this time. The moment will come.

He took a spoon of her cereal and kept in front of her mouth.

Riya was comfortable to walk around now, even though he made her lean onto him, held on her waist and lower back as she limped around, slightly in pain. It was house first, then backyard, until they were comfortable enough to visit the private beach. He helped her to sit on sand, then sat next to her with a thud.

Back in Mumbai, he drives next to beach everyday. But he never had the luxury to seat there with a clean, calm mind. Didn’t have the time where he didn’t have to do something- case, work, rushing to crime scene. There was so much to do, but not now. And he was fine with that.

“Why?” he heard her asking again.

“Roshni left.” He saw her turning towards him with surprise. “It wasn’t working out- for her. For me.” But the question remained, which answer he didn’t know himself. Why, and how he went from mourning the loss of life which he thought he wanted, to heading steadfast to rescue a woman who has been nothing but a liar, uncaring if he will survive. He didn’t know the answer, the points from A to point B, but he will try to answer.

“For years, when I thought shes dead, I spent my all conscious and unconscious time on her. I used to think- if Roshni was alive, she would say this. She would do that. She would have loved this, she would have gone there. She used to come in my dreams, and it was beautiful. And then, one day, the dream become a reality. It was impossible, and maybe that’s why, it didn’t work out. We both had illusions in our head for each other. It was never supposed to match upto reality.”

“When,” Riya spoke softly, careful not to disturb the comfort between them, “you came to valley. You saw her and ran towards her. I said to myself- this is the right thing to do. That you two will stay happy, together and forever. And me? Me . . . I don’t know what. But it didn’t happen. You came here, I almost died. Why it all happened then? What was the point? What was the purpose?”

All the pain and heartbreak, death and reunion led them here, Arjun wanted to say. But he stayed quiet, putting an arm around her and pulled her to his chest, his head on her head.

Riya let out a small laughter, pain and disbelief coating every words. “I don’t know even who I am. I was such a naïve fool, wasn’t i? Doing everything what my father said. And he kept using me for all these years, because he wanted to achieve something. I lied and stole and begged. All for him. I was a puppet dancing to his tunes. It’s done now. So what remains?” she wiped away her nose quickly. “I don’t even know what I like. What’s my favourite colol? What I like to eat. What’s my hobby? What’s my name?” her voice broke at the end.

Arjun held her face gently, making her look at him. “There are hundreds of countries in the world. Thousands of types of cuisine. We will eat one every day, and then decide which is the best. That will be your favourite food. We will do the same with colors, hobbies, books, movies. We will keep trying until there is this one thing which transcends every other choice. And along the way, you will discover who you are. And it will be real. It will stick. And I will be here, I will help. You don’t have to worry. You will never have to worry about anything else. Trust me. I am here.”

He moved until their foreheads were touching.

There are so many unspoken things between them, yet Arjun is determined to speak it out this time. Even though they understand each other silence just fine- making him think that, maybe, there was something real under the secrecy and lies. Or maybe, the whole thing was real, their hearts and her intention when it came to him, was real. He has started to separate their past now and don’t find it too bitter, but he wants to know everything anyway.

She tells her entire life saga slowly, transparent and truthful for the first time in her life. There are times it’s so difficult to hear that Arjun has to breathe in, breathe out, take a walk and try not to punch a wall in anger. He never know loneliness can be like this. Never knew children can be used by their parent like a pawn- his own father might be bitter and harsh, but he knows in his bones that Suryakant Rawte was thousands time man that Riyas father never was and can never be. Knowing about Lavanya, who was almost married into a family who hated every part of her, was blood boiling.

Then came Riya. Or the chapter named Riya who entered to ETF. He knows the story, but it’s fascinating to hear from her. When he came to know how her father was the one who trapped her for the data leaking case (which she did), how she realised his two decades of plan, and how she gave up herself for Roshni and married that terrorist, as her father stayed silent, said nothing.

He got out from the house.

He was having trouble to picture – a seemingly innocent Riya training to behave like two different woman. Trained and perfected to the last bits of things that her own identity was erased along the way. So, he thought to himself, when Riya gave him the coin, it was the training. When Riya almost confessed her feelings as she was writhing in pain during xora, that was training too. Everything was a lie. Or maybe not. But how he knows it’s not? How he knows she’s not trained now to behave like this, even without the presence of her father?

And then, there was this other side. She identified Roshni, sent her away, and was ready to face death. All of which was her decisions, as per her words. So maybe, she broke free of her training anyway. And this is the Riya he should know, he should remember going forward. Who was selfless. Who was brave. Who was hurt and in guilt enough to face death. Who was in his house ages ago, looked at him with soft eyes, so open and vulnerable with her display of feelings.

He went home, climbed into bed and held onto her as they both drifted into sleep.

He planned the future- the future where they both will stay together, forever. The future where she won’t be a pawn to anyones games, where they both will be in a place where there is no place of lies and betrayals. He took a few steps, filled her in, and waited if she had any restrictions. Maybe it was too much for her. Arjun sometimes thinks, if, like Roshni, Riya says she needs to find herself and goes away. What he will do then? Can he survive? Will he follow her again, and the question is if she will let him. Cause these thoughts aren’t unfounded. She has never known herself. It’s only fair she tries to find out, all her own, and refuse any help beyond physical limitations.

But time passed, and she didn’t leave. And Arjun realised, both of them have been lonely for too long. They can find each other together. There was no need to break away and invite pain in their small little world.

So he cooked and ordered various dishes everyday, feeding and pampering Riya who sat next to him on the kitchen isle everytime he stepped into kitchen. They dissovered this particular show she liked, when day she let out a full belly laughter looking at screen. They browsed locations to settle and talked casually about various places, a possibility in future. They went out – on walks, on a bike, on a car. Looked at various colors and decided on one.

He handed over his resignation months later, and Sameer Rathore realised something has changed for his friend. His friend who existed to serve, who was obsessed with all the wrongs in world, was finally at peace. Arjun Rawte filled his void something far better, something permanent this time. He didn’t need distractions anymore.

With the help of his father, Arjun created passports. When the agent on other side asked what names to put, he turned to Riya who was going though a novel.

“Arjun S Rawte, and Riya Arjun Rawte.”

She didn’t look up, but he was sure there was a hint of smile on her lips.

The passport came, and along with it came a velvety blue colored box. Arjun handed over the papers to Riya, who turned and started to read almost immediately.

He caught her wrist.

“I have something for you.” He handed over the box, watching with hammering heart as she paused, took the box and in agonizing slow pace, opened it.

He could see it was unexpected for her.

“You sure?’ she asked, eyes fixed on the ring inside. It glowed at the evening sun, casting reflections all around the room.

“Cant live without you.” He spoke softly, trying to hide the tremor in his voice. “this is, a promise from me. I am not pressurising you. Take your time, let me know. But know this, I am here. This is the proof.”

“You have already done so much.” Tears spilled on her cheek and Arjun took a step closer, wiping those away softly.

“For both of us. But this is . . . Entirely for me. For you. I want you to have it.” Gathering courage, he asked, “May i?’

She nodded , and with trembling fingers he slipped the ring over hers. Too overwhelmed to speak anything, Riya jumped in his arms, burying her face in his chest.

Arjun felt his own tears falling, as he hid his face in the crook of her neck and breathe in her scent.

He realised, one day when he's on bed and his arm is around Riyas sleeping form, that it was him on TV. It was him in a long coat and hat, with resentment and pain in his eyes.

He didn't know how it was possible. He didn't care.

The ring on her finger caught the morning sun, reflecting the sun in the nooks and corners of room.

Months later, they were sitting in a café in a quiet city thousands of kilometres away from home. Red leaves were falling from trees outside, coating evrything red on the way. The sky was clear blue, with cotton like clouds here and there.

Riya teared her gaze from outside and set on him.

“I like fall.”

He grinned, picking up his hot mug of chocolate milk.

“Fall, it is.”