Not Anymore - A SidHai OS

I was cleaning my drive today and somewhere in a corner found this 🫣

I had promised an OS on the divorce track, was writing this 3 years back, never knew I'd rediscover this today. So let us reminisce our Siddy Boy and Mithai Rani

Warning: there might be some inconsistencies in the writing since this is my first official work on an actual ITV couple!

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A silent, traitorous tear rolled down his cheek. For the first time, he didn’t wipe it off. He knew he couldn’t control them, not anymore. Not when he knew he had scarred her, so badly.

The one she had given her heart to had broken her, beyond repair. She knew that. He knew that too.

He had hurt her so many times, yet she had let it go. She had let it go, ‘but could she let it go now?’ his heart questioned him.

He knew that in a bid to save himself, he had destroyed her.

His heart had ached every time she was hurt or cried, but seeing her cry because of him felt like someone had squeezed his heart out of his chest. He wanted to wipe those tears off of her and tell her that he would never hurt her, not again. ‘But with what right?’ his mind quipped back.

Every time she said that she was no one to him it felt like an arrow pierced his heart. Every time she was confused, she had that cute pout on her face and in the past few weeks, it took every ounce of self-control in him to not kiss the living hell out of her. Every time she argued back to him and pointed out his mistakes, he never felt offended, at least not anymore, rather it made him feel relieved for there was someone who could point out his wrongs without fearing him. Every time she was in danger he felt his heart would spiral out of his ribcage. Every damn time.

‘But why? Why, Ma?’ he looked at the brightest star in the night sky and whispered again, ‘Why me?’

He looked down from the terrace and saw his Didiya leaving with Rajib da. Something between them had always irked him but not anymore. Their bond, the air of comfort they had around each other and the love they shared, he enjoyed it now. He enjoyed being around his family now. He enjoyed involving himself in conversations with them and miraculously, he had learnt to joke now. All thanks to a certain disgusting, stupid, idiot toofan mail- his toofan mail.

His lips instantly stretched into a smile at the absurd endearment he had given her. At that moment, he would have probably looked like a maniac- crying and smiling at the same time. 

This was probably one of her best traits. The mere mention of her would calm him down when he was bubbling with anger and managed to make him crack a smile even in the direst situation.

He remembered how his Pipi had told him on the day of Rabindra Jayanti “Tui biyer bondhon e bishwas korish na, valobashay bishwas korish na. Tui oke ki dibi Siddhartho? Tor to kono khomota e nei!”

But somewhere deep down, he knew they were not true, not anymore.

Today when he saw her, his toofan mail laughing so freely with that sly police friend of his, it took everything in him to not go punch him in that darn face.

‘Damn it! Why am I feeling like this?’ he asked himself as he raked his hand through his already messy hair.

“Amar Mithai er jonno ekta shusto savabhik bor dorkar” his Dadai had stated this on the day of Nipa’s gaye-holud. Those words were not meant to hurt him so bad, but they somehow did. 

‘Just like she was not meant to make her way to your heart, but she did?’ 

And that’s when it clicked.

“Oh-no-no-no… There’s no way. Th-there has to be some kind of confusion. I don’t believe in these stupid sentiments. It has to be something else. No,n-” 

He sat down on the floor.

He was exhausted. Too exhausted in the conflict of his heart and mind.

“Jodi kyeo ei kosho-kosho cha ta khe- Dadababu!” She had come to give him his evening tea, but the scene in front of her made her feel utterly helpless.

He was sitting there. His head in his hands. 

Seeing him in such a vulnerable condition, “Dadababu! Dadababu ki hoyeche?” she said as she gathered herself and sat down in front of him. 

She held his face in between her palms. “Dadababu amar dike dekho. Ki hoeche dadababu? Koshto hocche kothao? Amake bolo ami ekhuni dekh--”

But before she could complete her words, he looked up. “She let it go.” The words involuntarily slipped out from his mouth.

And in that one look she saw what she had never wanted to see on his face. His words never made it to her ears, because she was far too lost finding the reason that could break the person she was madly in love with, to the extent that he could not even process what was going on around him.

She saw in that one look a swirl of pain, hurt, anger, disappointment and self-reproaching all at once, before everything faded away.

The person sitting in front of her wasn’t her Ucchebabu. 

She knew she was the reason. And that scared her.

She was about to open her mouth again to fire him with questions, but this time he did not let her. Before she could get the first word out of her mouth, his lips were already on hers.

‘Not anymore’ his heart declared to his mind, with just as much fervency as his lips on hers were mirroring.

And for the first time in 26 years of his life, he let his heart take over his mind.

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P.S.- Many many congratulations to Adrit and Kaushambi! May your life ahead be filled with love and joy